Let us not bankrupt our todays by paying interest on the regrets of yesterday and by borrowing in advance the troubles of tomorrow Ralph W. Sockman
Don’t you just love those “share” paragraphs people splatter all over FaceBook. ( If you cannot share them you retreat to the substandard “MySpace”. They seem to feel they are the elitists. Thus no color, no fun)? You know, the ones about cousins and friends and sisters?
I always want to post those about sisters, but they remind me too much of the pretentious greeting cards my sister would give me. All flowery with some WAYYYYYYYY too long poem. Specific lines of verse, underlined, by her. The ones with the most drivel, underlined twice. Words she would actually never say to me. Better to give me a transcript about 100,001 other sisters got. She actually feels that the use of a ball point pen and parroting what my mother used to do should make the receiver amused she even took the trouble.
I can actually hear the many recipients of this effort sighing "at last, someone said it."
There are days I want to re-establish something with her, but no sense making beds in a burning house.
Today is my birthday. I am one year short of 60!
I am afraid to say I am happy, because when I do, my sister swoons in for the kill. You see, everything that has gone wrong in my life, every relationship - with my parents, my siblings, with my close relationships, with my marriage, every misunderstanding has been because of her. And I do not know why. That's a lie.
My father spent way too much time having hopes for me and ignoring her. Had he divided the means, we both would be healthy individuals. And it is, for once, not of her doing. If he had spent less time worrying about every grade I got, every pound I put on, every job I was having issues with, every man I met and spent more time noticing she was around, perhaps everything would be different. But it's not.
And my sister, she has some personality disorder or something of that nature. I ask people I have known most of my life, most for ten years longer than they have known her (she is 10 years younger than I) have explained it to me. When asking why my mother and she are so against every part of my existence, they have said it is not my mom, but my sister. They dread having to face her head on in any situation. Some have apologized for having to chose, but living in the same town, Kenosha, presents even bigger issues. One of her friends said just going to the grocery store with her is a challenge. She is no.1 in her own constellation and everything and everyone is subordinate to that.
She must be right because she is right. And rather than trying to remain neutral and be friends to both of us, it is just easier to be aligned with her and live a little longer.
But guess what? Everything is far better than I could have ever imagined.
oooops! Is she reading?
Probably not. She only reads recipes.
When she was born I made her my life. I acted as a mother would and ignored her inconsistencies and missteps. I did her a great dis-service.
I have a lovely apartment. I have produced over 400 illustrations, and now a short story going public in a popular rag.
For many months I missed my family, but eventually that resolved itself and as my sister in law Anna tried to pound into me years ago, my family is not a family, they are a walking, talking, eating explosive device and I never hear “incoming” on time.
I have my little slice of heaven, and friends I have had for more than 40 years celebrating with me this weekend. And I embrace Buddhism. Before you state the edicts of this, I want you to realize, that is WHY I write this. She may never read it, but if she does, or others she suppresses, perhaps the result will be self realization and the ability to join the rest of us who love her in an everlasting eternity of peace. Because I want to see my family in the next life and I am promised that all is forgiven and even the worst , the most culpable will find new life and love.
And now I am happy and the closer I am to fine.
I like that part of Happy Birthday.
I heard somewhere “Be happy. It's one way of being wise.”