Wednesday, August 31, 2011

The Galvez Weekend



Page 21

My Baby Just Wrote Me a Letter


I had started to read the letter found in Debra's pocket, while in the elevator, then reconsidered.

I have very little in my life today. but these letters that found their way to the suitcase I brought to Houston. Letters from Debra, Risa, Bootsie and Maggie.

People who have loved me and whom I love.

The paper was a powder blue with kittens and a puppy at the top (most likely her sister’s or mother’s) The writing very small, printed, penmanship I would always recognize as hers. In spite of the misspellings, the note still has the same sentiment it did 25 years ago..

Dianne
I am sorry this is so hard for you. I know being in this situation is very difficult for you. I don't know what you are feeling. I am afraid you will get scared and forget me. I know you aren't use to all this.
I am sure you won't believe me. But this is a once in a life time love. I thought it was when I was with Lea. And Cynthia. But this is different. I know you won’t give it up, you can’t, I can’t. I will never have something like this again. Please don’t take it away from me. Don’t take it away from yourself.
Anna will find someone, I am sure and then we can all be together, no one will be hurt and the kids and you will be happy. I know I will be happy. I am happy now. You have made me this 10pt;">
I know this is a kind of life you aren’t use to, but we will have any happy times.
Don’t you enjoy the camping trips and trips to Lake Travis? The rafting down the river?
We will have that. And all the time we need. We will get a house. The kids will go to school, we will work and have dinner at home just like a real family. I know this is hard and I wanted to say all this to you, but we never have time, or we start doing other things. I just need you to know. It will be wonderful. You are wonderful.
Please, please. I could not take it if you went back with B___ [Jackie]. Just please, please I beg you, don’t give it up..



You scare me when you don’t talk to me. I guess having Lee and Jack here is making you nervous. I hope that is what is wrong.
You have been [withdrawen]. Come back to me.

Deb.
To be continued


Music
Peter Gabriel/Don't give up.

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

You fell in love for the weekend...


Page 20

But I fell in Love for the Rest of My life








Just for a moment, I held you too close.



Now we're all out of time and I don't want to let go.


Anna, Debra and I spent most of the day, after my "to be expected" slip on the rocks, in the pool. If there is water, and beverages are served, Debra is there. I can see her walking with her arms up and bent at the elbows, as if commandeering the pool to do her bidding. Always smiling, one eye squinting. She was like a child. She always carried that childish grin. She would talk to Devon and Trey, her nieces, nephews, all children as if they do have a brain and the ability to communicate.

I always felt Debra should have a child. Later, years after this, after the dust settled and I was able to see clearly, I wanted to get in touch with her and offer to have a child for her if she donated the eggs and arranged for the in-vitro. Willie was having none of it. This idea actually launched a campaign for me to have a hysterectomy.


Maybe it was for the best. Debra had boundary issues. I don't feel she could appreciate the importance of continuity in a child's life. All thye time she spent with my children, years in fact, she walked away and never looked back, never cared about the impact she had on their lives, never called them,never sent a card. When Devon graduated at thet top of her class with a prestigious scholarship, one of only 100 given out nternationally, Debra was not there to see it.


A beloved partner who I parted ways, Risa and I broke up 14 years ago after a four year relationship. I felt she was too immature to be a partner, much less a parent. Yet, she is in contact with my children and knows more about their lives than I do. The youngest of all my loves, the most mature . Every moment I have missed in my children's lives has made a profound impact on me. And not one of those moments would I have missed if it were in my power. If I would have given birth to a child for Debra, I still would have been committed to keep a watchful eye. In my heart, I feel every one who us deserving, needs to be a parent.
Debra was egging the kids on as they wiggled and tried to break loose from Lee's firm grip.


It was already climbing to the 100 degree index, this was early June. Weather in Texas becomes intolerable around August, but if this was any sign, we would be looking at hell by August. The sun beat down treacherously,


Lee informed me the Suntan lotion was getting low and she didn't want to run out. she was coating the kids so thickly, there was a viscous layer coagulating thicker than the Exxon Valdez spill, in the hotel pool. The lifeguard peered over his newspaper, grimaced and regained his focus on today's events.


Devon and Trey really didn't require sun protection. They both had a wonderful olive complexion, I don't believe I ever saw either of them burn. Nevertheless, Lee was not to be argued with.


Debra was annoying the hell out of me. She knew she could not do anything untoward. Still, teasingly would pull at the leg of my suit. When someone would turn, she would pick me up and throw me disrupting guests around us. Some of these fellow lodgers were eyeing us suspiciously.


I hoisted myself from the pool, grabbed a towel, dried off and created a sarong cover before making heading to the room to get the sun block.
Anna was catching sleep on a chaise lounge.
Debra followed my movements, turning in the water, her arms raised as if trying to keep them from getting wet, as she moved to the side of the deck.


Anna was OUT cold. Lee was chatting up the kids, rubbing them with the remnants of a 500 SPF lotion. Okay, exaggerating, but if she could get it, she would. She was preoccupied with the nuclear cloud and thought she was doing her part in keeping the children safe by making them so slippery they could fall, crack their heads and no-one could help as they slipped out other safety of a helping hand. Lee was explaining to the kids, why she was doing this, they weren't paying attention. They had their eye focused on the pool, and they both had that twinkle in there eyes that Debra was for an onslaught.  Lee didn't care; she continued her sweet and soothing consternations.


Each word pronounced with a mixture of Italian and Midwestern America dialect. She was both mother and grandmother to them. In the 36 years I have known her, not once have I taken issue to her treatment of my kids. ( I could not say the same for my family). I never interfered with her or Anna. Jack, on the other hand, spoiled them rotten and I had more of a problem with that. As far as I was concerned, Lee's word was law, as was Anna's. My kids still benefited from the nuclear family, something tragically lacking in today’s society.


“Di can you get me my cigarettes?"
"You can't smoke in the pool, get out and get them yourself. "


I could not believe I said that. Lee stopped and held her gaze on me. Anna tilted her head forward covering her eyes in a solute, squinting to keep out the sun. . She too had a sudden glare.

Pretty much everything within my perimeter stopped. You have to be kidding. Really. This woman warrants this much concern.
"Well excuse me," Debra laughed.

Poor Debra, I was so rude to her. She wouldn't hurt a fly. She was a pest strip all by herself. She absorbed this alliance around her. I was very irritated. I hate when people group together in an attitude they have no idea why they had it.

I resigned myself and reached into the pocket of her shorts.
A piece of paper fell to the ground.



To Be Continued...



Music
Steve Wariner/The Weekend




Friday, August 26, 2011

Mea Culpa


Respecting one's Possessions

A life not lived, appropriately.   Page 19


There we were, husband and wife.  Well, not so much; husband and cheating lesbian wife fit the ticket.  But he was unaware.  And if he did know, he would most likely find it a "turn on".  Until, of course, he was given the schematics of the situation.  Then all hell would break loose.  But, for now, he had nothing but concern.  Which only insured my feelings of depravity and guilt.

Jackie came to me and sat on the bed with his arm on my shoulder.
"Did something happen?" he asked, "Did she do something to you?"
"Hell no!"  Well not in the sense he implied.  

I got up and went to the bathroom. I looked in the mirror, combing my hair, pulling out the bed head knots. I stopped, slowly put down the brush when I noticed...
"Why do you have on Debra's shirt" Jackie continued his stare unabated.
"And why did she have on mine?"
"She has a shirt just like it, you and her bought them in Galveston" I purposefully ignored the first question.

Jackie went over to his suitcase. He had packed it himself since I was in the "unawares" about this weekend.

I stripped off my shirt standing in only my new Mother-in-law purchased underwear. Then rushed to him taking his hands from the clothing he had his arms buried.
"Let's open that bottle"

Jackie had other ideas. He reached up to me and wrapped his arms around me. "You don't know how long I have waited for you," He whispered in my ear.

And he was going to wait longer. The phone rang. "Who the hell knows we are here?" Jackie reached for the phone. I took it from him.
"Anna is in the shower." Debra had to be out of control to think I could talk in the confines of this closet sized space. "Have you opened that bottle?"
"No" this was going to be one of those monosyllabic conversations.
"You better not. Put something on and turn on the TV. Anything. But do NOT give in to him."
"Oh, Anna packed some of your T-shirts with my stuff?" I was ignoring what she said, I needed to get the message to her in code. "No problem, I'll bring them over, but I have one on"
"Oh my GOOODDD!" she must have looked in the mirror "I have on Jackie's T-shirt. You must  have  my shirt on." She sound panicked. "I can't believe I didn't notice.  Is that the shirt you have on?  Did HE notice? What did you tell him?"
"That's okay. I am wearing it"  Answering all questions in one fell swoop, hopefully placating Jackie. 'Do you have Jackie's shirt on? Or is it the one you bought."
"Fine. I get it" Debra continued, "You can't talk"

Really. You know, maybe she isn't a professional adultress after all.  "Dianne, I am begging you, this will all be over."

She knew I couldn't say a word in response to her plea. So I said nothing.
"Oh baby please respect what we have. That's all I ask" On that, she hung up.

 

Jackie had retired to the bed, within ashtray on his stomach. He rolled a joint and lit it up.

"Jack, that is going to smell in the hallway"
"I don't give a shit. Anna wouldn't let me light up in the car and then everyone had to rush to dinner" 
'Fine, but if you father comes beating on the door I am letting him in. You can deal." I put the shirt on and went to take a shower. I needed one.

He continued his quest for sublimation.

The TV was on loud and clear. But I could still hear Anna and Debra. They were talking loudly. I tried to decipher what was being said. It didn’t sound like amiable dialogue.

There was a knock on the door.
""Shit" Jackie's ashtray fell to the floor as he jumped up "What NOW?"

I put back on my shirt and intercepted the door as Jackie made his way. Lo and Behold.
"I didn't want to bother you guys, but Debra insisted" Anna and Debra had balloons in their hands filled with water. Apparently, what I took for heated words were in fact the two of them laughing and filling up balloons with water. Now, where they got the balloons I do not know, but the two of them are prepared for everything.

As if reading my mind "The kids got balloons and we let out the air to fill them with water." Anna explained while Debra stood there with cat & canary smile. "C'mon let's go to the balcony and throw these on the prom kids.

"Anna, will you get over not going to prom"
"I even went to prom" Debra bragged and then pushed past Anna into the room. "C'mon Jackie"

He was already dressed. Hijinks were his business. I started to put on the white gauze outfit Lee got me, but changed my mind. This may get messy. So I put on Debra's shirt and shorts. She would make an issue of not including her cloths with a mess. I would be safe.

We all headed down the hall and into the stairwell. We were on the fourth floor. Good velocity. In this old hotel, the stairwell had windows and they opened.

"Checked this out. We can throw them from here" Debra and Jackie were struggling but got the window opened.

I was apprehensive. What if we got caught? Screw it. I was out voted anyhow.

Debra took a beer out of a bag, handed one to Jackie, one to Anna, and handed me a wine cooler. She took a beer for herself. I put the berry red cooler and put it on the sill.

This was the 80's. Prom dress was not the pencil straight fashion they are now. These dresses took yards and yards and yards of material. Poufy folds in the shoulders and skirts. You could hide food in these frocks and never find it. And we were going to throw water balloons. Jackie opened a balloon slowly emptied the water out.
"Uh... Jack, that's now how to do it." I actually said that! To my rocket science husband. He ignored me, resumed, with a cigarette in his mouth, the smoke catching his eyes.

Jackie took my wine cooler and filled up the balloon, spilling on the floor and his hand.

Anna was shocked. Delighted, but shocked. Debra leaned against the wall keeping her eyes on me every chance she could.

With balloons in hand, we stood sentry waiting to have a target. Soon it was midnight and we could see the teenagers milling out to the front of the building. Thank goodness, this was the END of the night for them.

They all looked so sweet and festive. Huge "Princess Diana Bride" dresses. Boys in rented Tuxedos. And us with the accessories to make this night even more memorable than it already was.

Jackie hurled the first balloon. We all followed, we couldn't take time, they would discover us. The first wine filled balloon fell on a light pink dress, sharing the backsplash with her date's white shirt. She squealed, he swore, jumping back, he looked directly up at us. Debra hurled another and got him in the face.

The guy ran into the building. A security guard turned and stepped back inspecting the window.

We ran laughing down the hall to our rooms. HALT. Jack Sr. was standing between Anna's room and Jackie’s.
"I don't know if I want to know what you are all doing. But keep in mind, I am paying for these rooms and you need to behave, it's after midnight and people are sleeping.'

We all retreated to our appointed rooms. Not before Debra could get final, dictate.
"Remember what I told you" she whispered "I am right next door"
"Well, Debra, That goes two ways. I am next door to YOU"
"Goodnite, baby girl" I could feel her breath in my ear.  Baby girl are words I will only associate with her.  I have never allowed anyone to call me that.  Except Debra.

All doors closed. Some louder than others.

Jackie went to take a shower. I undressed and crawled into bed fawning sleep.

Jackie crawled into bed. He reached for me, I was asleep.

I wasn't. I had two people in possession of my future.

 
The night is my companion, solitute my guide
Would I spend forever here, and not be satisfied

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Secrets


Sometimes I wish I never knew

A life not lived, appropriately.   Page 18
Go directly to Page 1



Debra lay hiding, not too inconspicuously, on the side of the bed.    

The door slowly opened. I could see a slip of a grey skirt, then arms holding a tray with roses, a silver covered serving dish, champagne and two champagne glasses.

I held the sheet to my breasts and turned to reach for Debra, but she was already ahead of me, vaulted up with her shirt and shorts already on and grabbed the tourist guide off the adjacent desk.
"Excuse me, don't you knock?" I asked.
"Your husband said you'd be sleeping and to take this in without waking you."

Debra rolled up the brochure,  "I think I got it Di, that thing was BIG!" She was looking at the ceiling, quite convincingly.
  
The maid put down the tray.
"Our wait staff is very busy and your husband was rather determined to get this to you" she did not look convinced that this was an innocent visit. But she noted that Debra was a woman, frowned in a puzzled fashion, left the ticket on the dresser without waiting for a signature or tip and turned to leave. No doubt Jackie already handled that.

The door was open and we could hear the familiar staccato of Lee's voice approaching. Debra scuttled to the bathroom as I pulled a shirt over my head, as they came around the corner, Anna laughing and pulling Trey by his head with her arm wrapped around his neck. Devo was first in the room carrying goodies of all sorts. I retraced, grabbed my panties, quickly put them on. Devo peeked over the top of her package and frowned, but said nothing. What does a 4 year-old say? In my life, I would share everything with Devo, almost too much.

 
Carly Simon with her daughter, Sally on the Queen Mary II

Debra was looking at me with eyes like saucers. She then looked up to the top of the shower, as Jackie followed his sister.

 "Oh, they brought it!" He picked up the bottle of bubbly "Great" He took the Do Not Disturb sign and put it on the door.

Lee backed up. Jack Sr. smirked "We get the message" He grabbed the children and they left.
Anna continued in the room. "We're gonna have fun tonight!" She picked up the bottle.

Debra was rummaging around the bathroom.
Jackie looked in and then responded to Anna's obvious ploy at ruining another night for him. "Yes, Dianne and I are going to have fun."

Debra fell into the tub while reaching up to the top of the shower stall.

I was visibly shivering. No one noticed. They were both standing in the bathroom door.

"Oh, I didn't hear you come in" She looked at me "Di, I can't find it; I swear I killed it, but it is nowhere." She put the magazine down.

Anna picked it up, turned it over scanning for bug guts.

"Dianne was screaming at the top of her lungs" Debra had the all-too familiar look of Stay Calm.

"Well, you sure didn't get it Deb, the book is clean." Anna changed subjects "Maybe we should order some champagne too, Deb."

Debra responded to Anna's suggestion. Looking directly at me, she shook her head no in quick choppy back and forth gesture.

I looked at Deb and for the first time gave back to her the attitude; she had been handing me all this time. I did not know what I expected from Debra. She had to maintain some semblance of a relationship with Anna. We both were cheating scoundrels, did I really think she couldn't cheat on me? Was it really even cheating?

But touching someone else the way she touched me.…
 


Everything she seemed to do
was just another shade of blue
I saw her searching into you
and ached a while

… I could not think about it

Debra shot a look back to me. which I didn't hesitate to return in equal disdain.
Well... gotta go" Debra grabbed Anna, "We can't afford champagne"

Anna turned to me and I immediately struck a look of nonchalant repose. Jackie followed Anna smiling. His look slowly dissolved. 
The door closed, but not before Debra turned the door plaque.

Saturday, August 20, 2011

Changing room

Need You Tonite at the Galvez

A life not lived, appropriately.   Page 17
Go directly to Page 1


We were on the road about 90 minutes. We drove into Galveston past the beautiful memorial mansions, the Bishop’s House, and onto the Stewart beach main drive.

"C’mon, Di, get up. Comb your hair." She put out her last cigarette almost in unison with Jackie and Anna. I watched the two of them as I started to put on makeup. "You do not need that!"

I put the makeup back in my purse turned to the front of the vehicle just as we drove into the Galvez. Jack and Lee were waiting outside. This was in the time of no cellular. But they knew Debra was like a clock, she arrived, always when she said she would. Lee was all smiles, jumping and waving always giddy to see her babies, Anna Jackie, Devo and Trey. I always hoped I was part of that. Now when I looked at them, I felt absolutely awful. I thought about what they would say. There were seven out of the eight of us that were to be betrayed. I grimaced; I had no respect for myself.

I wanted to beg a headache and stay in my room. In fact, that is exactly as I plan.

I gave the per functionary look of surprise and glee, though most of it was not faux. I was surprised. My troubled look would be interpreted as curious.

"Dadita!" Lee called me that. Italian for "chic" "You look wonderful. I am so glad you are not so thin anymore.” I needed that. I feel so much better.

We all hugged. Jack and Lee both treated Debra as one of their own. I need to be poisoned, or thrown from a balcony.

"Gee I hope you fit into the things I brought" Again, thank you. I put on the mask of unexpected glee"

"What?" I smiled "Lee, you are so good to me, you shouldn't do that, I already have so much"

"I know you have nothing with you" she smiled impishly "You needed something to wear for the weekend."

I feigned surprise at the short holiday.

The rooms at the Galvez were small, so we each had our own room. As small as they were, Jack insisted the children stay in their room. I obliged.Like I had a choice. Debra kept one eye on me at all times. Puppeteer pulling the strings and making me perform as she expected.

Debra nudged Anna. "Dadita room with us", Anna used this familiarity with me often. Always when her mother was about.

"Nope ladies" Jackie used that word sarcastically, "You have had her long enough. I am leaving at o'dark thirty for Chicago. She staying here, with me."

Debra was at a boiling point. What the hell should I do? I couldn't very well tell Jackie NO and she knew it. But she still played the harmed paramour.

We went to our assigned rooms, all of us keeping our doors open, a prerequisite in Italian households. Free for all, in hotel rooms, at the dinner table, eating off each other's plates. Anna came running in.

"'Di, c'mon, momma has things for us" Anna was a treasure, but even more when her mom was about. I always worried she would be jealous of the kids. She was the youngest. However, that was never the case. She treated the children like siblings, as she did me.

We ran into the room Jack and Lee were in, to claim our prizes.

Jack was handing a wad of cash to Trey. "Take Devo downstairs to play in the video arcade. However, be in the restaurant by 4:30. Look at your watch, son, what time is it?"

"4:30 Grandpa"

"That's right, so there are no excuses" and away they went. Jack had scoped out the hotel prior to our arrival. Assured me he paid off the security guard to watch them. You'd think he was the Dago instead of Lee. I was concerned, but Jack would not allow me to intervene. Such a fucking ass. Lee looked at him with a mixture of disgust and recognition.

Anna was digging through the wasteland that was once an empty floor. Pulling items and separating them, putting the feminine colors for me and the more subdued for her. She threw white linen gauze tie waste pants to me with a matching tank top. Jockey underwear and Burkenstocks for herself, silk panties and sandals for yours truly. Lee handed Debra some androgynous shorts and a couple of nice tees and thongs (shoes).

Debra and Jackie both reached for the panties. I stopped cold, looked up first at her and then him.

"These won't fit you Debra," Jackie laughed.

"You think?" Debra snarled back and picked up the panties bra and for good show, also gathered up Anna's things.

"That Debra" Lee said, "Everything has to be so so. Nothing lying around"

Except me I thought.

We went to our rooms and I broke it to Jackie I would not be joining them for dinner. "Please give them my apologies. I have a headache" Not hard to believe since I had migraines quite often back then.

"I'll bring something up for you, I'll have my dinner up here" he offered

"You'll do no such thing" I knew this would be added to a checklist Debra was keeping. Better to keep the work orders short. "I am going to sleep"

On that I went to bed after darkening the room.

About 30 minutes later I heard a key in the door. He must have brought something up anyhow.

In seconds, I breathed in a fragrance that has become so much a part of me these last few weeks. I had on my new panties, no top.



I'd do anything to get you into my world, it's a right I defend

She stopped "Who are these for?“ She snapped the leg band, “Jackie?"

"Not you, they won't fit you" I giggled
"What is that? a running joke in this family?"

That must have satisfied her. "I need to tire you out before Jack comes back"

"Where is everyone?" I asked, tentatively. "How did you get my key?"

"I exchanged it with Jackie's when I picked up yours and Anna's things. He deserved it after that crack he made about those panties."

"They haven't finished dinner yet" she continued, "I told them I need to go to my room and call my mom. My dad isn't doing well."

The room closed in, her embrace was distracting. I did not have the guts to tell her that Jackie had both of our keys. But that family could spend an inordinate amount of time at the dinner table.

"Dianne, I don't want to go on like this." she sounded defeated. "I need you now, not later, now"

"Debra, I don't know where to start to give that to you" I begged, "I really don't know if I can".

"You can tonite. Right now"


It felt like blasphemy. It didn't stop me.

Then a card sliding through the lock. Debra toppled to the floor, no doubt to crawl under the bed, I sat up frozen, the sheet tucked beneath my chin

To be continued...

Friday, August 19, 2011

Woman in Chains

A life not lived, appropriately.   Page 16

You better behave

Debra and Anna arrived on the mark at 2:00. We had better be ready. Debra had issues with tardiness. After all, it was her world; we are simply here for amusement.


We were supposed to be heading to Freeport.

"Jack and Lee are meeting us in Galveston" Debra and I were alone in her truck, while Anna, Jackie and the children drove in our family car.

"What?" I was not prepared for this. "I am not dressed to meet them!"

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you" Debra explained, "It is supposed to be a surprise"

"Are we meeting them to eat?" I asked.

"That and we are staying the weekend with them at the Galvez."

"I have nothing packed" This was going to be a disaster. Jackie had to leave in the morning to go back to Chicago. "What about Jack?"

"What about Jack?" She asked, "Which Jack are you speaking of?"

"You know what Jack" my voice rose in anger "My Jack"

"Oh, it's YOUR Jack." Debra reached for her cigarettes as if on cue. She took her time, the accusation hanging in mid air. She lit the cigarette, holding the wheel with her right hand,she drew in the nicotine, slowly releasing it . Her sarcasm was not lost on nne.

"And about your yelling at me"

"Debra, please tell me, how do I play this game?" I continued, "I was not yelling, if you want me to yell..."

"You better not" she threatened, "I will pull this truck over so fast Jack will plow into my ass"

I was loosing already, not even one month out and we were having our first quarrel. As I look back, we had several quarrels, which I was not privy to.

"Okay, I get it, you don't want to know or hear anything about Jack. Am I Correct?"

“What do you think?" she rolled down the window and blew smoke out the window. "I want you to sit next to me…”

"Absolutely not" I looked out the rearview window "Jack..."

"I know, I know" she interrupted "I’m not stupid. But eventually Dianne you are going to have to deal with this" She continued, "The day is going to come where everyone will know. And as far as I’m concerned, the sooner the better."

There it was the ultimatum. Thing was, she never really issued one. This was her game and she was going to play everyone as she wished.

"And about that I'm going to ride with Jackie nonsense, what the hell was that about?"

"I never said I was going to ride with him. I just assumed, we are a family after all." I stared out the side window, watching Jackie and Anna caught up in their own troubled discussion.

"You just assumed. Well guess what, unassume?"

Did she even know what that meant? Is that even a word? I guess I did in my way. She was showing first true signs of jealousy. There had been other times. At the beach with Jackie, Anna and the kids. At Kindred Spirits with Bootsie. I didn’t know her as I do now and I just assumed those were judgment calls, about straight women, and the situation with Bootsie I attributed to keeping me away from infidelity. Now I know, I looked back and contemplated how strong her reactions were. Did I want this? No doubt. All women want it and they are deceiving themselves if they say they don't. Jealousy is a valid feeling; it keeps unions together by protecting the integrity of you spouse/partner.

"Debra, let it go."

"What the ?!?" she started, but I wasn't having it.

"What are me and the children going to do for clothes?" I was not going to spend what few stolen moments we had arguing about something we could do nothing about.

"This was to be a surprise. Jack brought Lee down her for hers, yours and Trey's birthday" Debra calmed down almost immediately and that was a bit unsettling how quickly. "Lee bought the children new clothes and of course she brought stuff for you"

Lee was always generous with me. Jack was generous when he wanted the children. He couldn't give a flying fuck for me. Lee had wonderful taste, always buying things for me, exactly the same items for Anna, dressing us like twins. Anna never cares and I certainly didn't. I was never close to my sister. Anna was like an only sister to me.

"Anna and you wear the same size, so she packed extra for you in case Lee made bad seasonal choices"

It was ungodly hot already. Just 2 weeks prior Chernobyl had blown a gasket and people still felt, after close to 3 weeks, it could still affect us. Weather services stated the disaster affected the weather. We were having extreme highs over 100 degrees already.

Hopefully, she brought nice cool airy things. But, as Debra said, Anna took care of everything.

I had just realized that was what Anna and Jackie were talking about.

"Anna and Jackie must not be talking about this, with the kids in the car…” I trailed off glancing in the rearview mirror. At once, for one moment, they were both staring at me. It startled me. In seconds, they were both in the throw of conversation, both laughing.

"What’s wrong?" she lit another cigarette. I wished, at that moment, I smoked. "Why are you so jumpy?" She held her cigarette out the window, flicking the ashes, blowing the smoke in that all too familiar Marlboro Man gesture, smoke blowing out the side of her mouth. She was such a clean, almost neurotic person. She too, stared at her rearview mirror. I looked back at mine...and then...again.

"See that? Did you see that Debra'

"Stop!" she barked, "You are acting like a crazy woman. Do you ideally think they have any idea?"

"No, it all feels so sordid"

"Is this the way you're going to be through this trip?" I was sitting back against the truck door, my knees to my chin. She grabbed my right leg and pulled it on to her leg.

She took off her rings and put one of my tapes in the tape player. "I love these mix tapes you make Anna."


I pulled my leg back and with one hand she grabbed both of my ankles and pulled my feet.. 'Behave!"

Soon I forgot about everything, what we were speaking of, what Jackie and Anna are talking about, what Lee and Jack are up to. Everything whirled together into a bubble, flying far above our heads. I was numb to everything but Debra's touch.


Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Making Love out of Nothing

A life not lived, appropriately.   Page 15
And the Thunder Rolls



Things were getting intense and there was absolutely no wiggle room. If I had any intention of exploring my heterosexuality, Debra would intervene, no hesitation or reservation.

On one hand, she knew more about this lifestyle than I. Of course there is really nothing to know, but it did seem women were far more demanding then men when it came to these things. I figured it MUST be the lifestyle. Women weren't demanding as a rule. At any moment, I could do an about face and she was going to undermine anything Jack would have in his favor. I reflected back to the last few months, recalling Debra’s obvious distain over the way Jack would talk to me, order me. I thought it was a “lesbian” thing. Not liking men and all that. Now in hindsight I see it was much more.

I arrived at the baggage gate just as Jack came out.

“I thought you weren’t going to make it” he commented “I figured you were still sore about the financial booboo”

“Booboo?” “really “ I was incredulous! “This isn’t a video game where you can shoot someone and get your money back!”

“Dianne, what exactly do you want me to do?” he inquired “I got a job”

”Jack, it is so much more than that” and then I was on a roll.

“It’s the years of you not coming home for days, disappearing on Friday’s with your paycheck and making it home with half” I was incensed! “It’s the cruelty in the way you treat me in front of others, calling me an idiot, ordering me about.”

He stared straight ahead

“And lets review the hospital trips” I continued “too many to count. As an expectant father, throwing his child’s crib clear across the room?”
Another love grows cold on a sleepless night

I was on a role. This was a cleansing for me. I never had the bravado before Debra. There was nothing more he could do to me.

And THAT was Debra’s gift to me. Courage.

When we got home very little was said. As I got into bed, he crawled in next to me, trying to hold me. We had a highly charged sex life. Hell, he probably thought it was his callousness that stirred me. But it was in spite of that. We always slept close, but not as close as Debra and I the one night we spent.

I turned to him and started to speak, “Jack, I have something…”

“Dianne, I was afraid to tell you” he began “I need to tell you something. I have to go back to Chicago another two weeks”

BRAVO, can you hear the audience clapping?

“Jack, I could give a shit”

He jumped up, turned on the lamp on his bedside table. “Dianne, please, you aren’t going to leave?”

After 10 years of the most merciless emotional and physical abuse, all it took was one woman, one redneck dyke, to put me back together .

“Dianne I have never cheated on you”

If he had ONLY done that, we would’ve been better off.

“Please, I love you, I always will. There is nothing I can’t do when I am with you” he continued, “I could never love anyone as much as you, you cannot tell me it’s over, like that!” he snapped his fingers.

Jack, it’s late. Anna and Debra are coming over tomorrow to pick up the kids and me.” I said.

He seemed relieved. “Okay, Anna I need to talk”.

Well good luck with that sport.

Not quite.

We both finally fell off to sleep. It seemed like I was only dreaming for five minutes when I heard a not so light tapping on the front door. I jumped up, I had a t-shirt on and didn’t think twice about heading to the door.

The kids were already up, eating cereal, watching TV. Debra crept in front of Anna, giving me sideway glare, looking at the t-shirt like it was a lace teddy. I don't doubt that she expected me to be completely covered when in bed with Jack. Hell, she probably expected me to sleep with Devo upstairs. The couch would have been too close. She wasn't happy that we weren't ready. All I had to do was put on a swimsuit, same with the kids.

Devo squeeled with delight. She ran into Debra’s arms, this sturdy 3 year-old was like a basket of feathers as Debra grabbed her and tossed her in the air. Trey was nipping on Devo’s heels with Judas barking and jumping like he was one of the kids.

They clamored upstairs, Debra following and acting cagey. S he couldn’t look at me! I was incensed. In all the time I knew her, she never once ignored me. Things were starting to look obvious, at least from my viewpoint. She was not being careful. That sort of obvious display coudl cause suspicion, one would think. I didn’t know what to do. I could hear her wresting with Trey and could see Devo jumping into the fracas.

Now begins the manipulation. At that moment, I knew. This was my now and present. Things were different. She ruled my life in a way never attempted by any man. I was lost and found again, renewed, scared, confused. In love? I would give up my soul at that point, she was in control. In love.

I know just where to touch you, I know just what to prove
I know when to pull you closer,   And I know when to let you loose
I can make tonight forever or I can make it disappear by the dawn
I can make you every promise that has ever been made 
And I can make all your demons be gone


But I’m never gonna make it without you ...Do you really want to see me crawl?


I gingerly sat down in the family sedan, only to be abruptly pulled by an unfamiliar muscled arm.  Debra had never touched me that way.  I had known her for 3 years, she never touched anyone that way.  I looked up to her, my eyes expressing concern...and fear.


"I'm sorry" she explained  "Jack agreed, you will go in my truck.  He said he needs to talk to Anna.  What is that about, do you wonder?"

It was fairly obvious

The kids wanted to be with Debra, but Jack insisted they drive with him.  He had not seen them in several weeks.  Not only had he unwittingly lost his wife to another woman, but he was loosing his children as well.


The trip proved to been emotional rollercoster.  Much can happen in 70 minutes



To Be Continued ...

Music:  Thunder Rolls/Garth Brooks  Paradise by the Dashboard light/ Meatloaf    Making love out of nothing at all/Bonnie Tyler



Monday, August 8, 2011

Barely seventeen and barely dressed


Making Love; Paradise by the Dashboard Lights
A life not lived, appropriately.   Page 14
Go directly to Page 1


«•**•.¸♥¸.«•**•.¸♥



Things were so confusing, I didn’t know which way is up. It was an impetuous, needy move and it was early June. In Houston. I thought I could drive my libido into heterosexuality.

As I drove out of the back drive to my house in Champions, there parked was a blue Sierra truck. It was occupied, there was a small red ember, a cigarette. Oh yeah, and it was Debra.

I have never driven backwards so fast. She tailed me to the door. I opened the garage door as I backed up. I did a good back turn and almost ran through the kitchen wall. I immediately closed the garage door, but alas, Debra’s truck pulled in just enough to halt the door.

I ran in the house and to the bedroom closet, tore off that coat and pulled up a pair of shorts, tossed on a t-shirt.

“What the hell?’ Debra exclaimed “what is going on?!, Who are you going to meet?"

“I’m going to meet Jack at the airport, I forgot my wallet and I needed it to get in the Airport Garage. “ (big lie, I was to pick him up at baggage claim)

“Bullshit! You can pick him up at the baggage claim. You don’t need money” she snapped.

“I needed it just in case. I also needed my driver’s license,” I said somewhat inaudibly, sheepishly.

Just then, Trey woke. He was sleeping in our bed while I was gone.

“Mom, where is your fur coat?” Trey wiped the sleep from his eyes and exited to the bathroom.

“WHAT?” Debra was furious, red-faced “A fur coat? It’s at least 85 degrees out there”.

“It was just a joke,” I explained, “I thought …fuck; I don’t know what I thought.” I muttered. “Debra, I need to go”

“Are you sure you are going to get Jack?” she commanded, “Something is not right.” (You just notice? Things haven't been right for just over a week now.)

I grabbed my wallet and keys and headed out the door. Her truck was in the way. She came to the driver side window and motioned for me to roll it down. I did and her hands reached in, cupped my face and kissed me with all the intensity that I had become accustomed.

“Debra please, I need to go”

She walked slowly, deliberately, to her vehicle. She then pulled it out far enough for me to get in front of her. I repeated the earlier drive only this time chauffeured.

Debra followed me, staying on my tail. She put on her hazards and beckoned me to pull over just as I hit the main drag heading to Bush Airport. I pulled over to the Holiday Inn parking lot. I was exasperated, but honestly, turned on. She was pursuing me, leaving no room for error. Or to change one’s mind.

“Anna and I will be by in the morning to pick you and the kids up. We’re going to Galveston. Obviously, my day was being arranged for me, as was my life..:


“And what, pray tell, do I tell Jack?” I inquired.

“Tell him anything. That’s your problem” Debra said “Hell tell him to come with”

“Then why do you need to pick us up?” I inquired “I could ride with Jack.”

“No” period?

“Well then what Debra?”

“ We will be by to pick you up” Debra informed me “You are not going to be alone in a car with him”

Debra was heralding back to some of our antics when she and I were traveling to different sites.
I could see paradise by the dashboard light

No place was too dangerous, small or off limits in this, our formidable intimacy.


To be continued

Tell me Lies...

Sweet Little Lies
A life not lived, appropriately.   Page 13
Go directly to Page 1


My shrink will never be the same again. I went to see him today…at 3100 Weslayan. Yes, that Weslayan.


I told him it was 25 years to the day when I was with Debra, measuring windows for blinds and enjoying the soft pearl grey carpeting. Needless to say, he was thunderstruck, to put it mildly. (I thought these “lettered” people were primed for such confession. Maybe not.)

He got up to look at the blinds. He turned the bottom slat up to expose the vendor. And there it was, as big as Dallas: Dianne Lindsey’s Curtain Call. He dropped the blind like it was tainted with a flesh eating bacteria. I wouldn’t doubt those blinds will be replaced.

Our story left off with me being home with the children SANS a bed partner.

Jack would be arriving at the airport sometime before dawn, making his entrance to a new and not quite improved wife (though some men may disagree).

The night was long. I did everything I could to detract attention from the shivering realization of what I, we had done.

When you are alone, with only yourself, introspection is the dish served. And once all the players in this selfish game become enlightened, no doubt, some or all were going to want revenge of some sort.

Retaliation was going to be the sport of the day. Don’t get me wrong, this in no means was a game. At least not on my part. I believed Debra truly loved me. Why would she risk so much? She had to know how this was going to affect all involved. So she MUST be resolute about the gravity of what she had initiated. I could not allow myself to accept that this may be a quest that validated her in some way. Did she talk to others about this? Was this a conquest that would sanction her romantic prowess? A commanding lover that her friends would envy?

“Debra must be something special, in bed and otherwise, to tempt a straight, somewhat homophobic woman away from her husband of 12 years.”

Perhaps she enjoyed the risk. I had heard of people living life on the edge, regarding only themselves and let the chips fall where they may.

My head swam with these visions. This was my first complete day away from Debra. The phone rang intermittently throughout the evening. I didn’t want to speak to anyone. Debra, Anna or Jack. Trey was my screener for the night. Debra called a half dozen times. The last call came with a threat that if I did not take her call, she would be coming over. I did not let that change my focus.

Debra and Anna lived 55+ miles away. It was after 10pm and Debra would have no idea of what would be waiting at this end should she make that endeavor.

I wanted to believe this was a one time thing for her. That I was special, unattainable. Someone would have to be mad to have pursued this with the tenacity she did. My ego was belying reality.

Could you take on this responsibility? If it was just a libido thing, wouldn’t she have made that clear? It was as if there were a fog settling all around me . Like walking through the clouds in the mountainous Big Sur area of California, only without the redwood cathedrals.

Ladies and gentleman, those of you who are being pursued or are exploring the pursuit of another, THINK HARD. Are you willing to see this through to the end? If you are not, then stop. The result of such exploits will require your exclusive selflessness. Your life will not be your own if it is someone already attached. You may very well loose your mind, if not you then your job, family and anything that gave you a sense of security. Out the window.

I turned on the television for distraction. A nd as if I didn’t have enough to think about, there’s my brother my brother ROBERT (Butch) SCHUCH

Butch (aka Robert Schuch)

A sample of Butch's acting:


Married with Children: Jimbo (on Al Bundy’s left)

I had spoken to him and promised to send him some money for an emergency he needed to attend to. I forgot. I forgot a lot of things.

My company was in need of attention. I hired a seamstress to address the curtain issue. Anna and the rest of my crew were handling the commercial end. But there were bills to be paid, customers in need of my fastidious attention. They were used to being wined and dined. I spoiled them.

And now I was spoiling myself. Literally. SPOIL in a bad way.

I finally fell asleep somewhere around 3am.

The phone rang just as I dozed off.

F*ck! She is not going to give up.

“please Debra…” I begged as I answered the phone.

What Debra!“ It was Jack. “What would Debra be calling at this time for?“

“Nothing important. She and Anna were having issues” This wasn’t a lie

“Hey Lady, how about coming to get me? Trey and Devon are sleeping. Wake Trey and tell him where you are going” He sounded so calm, something I neither felt or saw as of late.

I went upstairs and explained to Trey that I was going to get Daddy. It was 30 minutes or less away. Trey came downstairs and crawled into my bed. Within seconds he was back asleep.

I made my way to the closet, took off my oversized T-shirt and got the crazy idea to take off everything and out on my Fox coat with nothing underneath. And I added a pair of high heels.

I ran out the garage door got in my New Yorker and headed towards Bush Airport.

As I left the back alley driveway to the street, there parked a blue Sierra truck.

You know how they say there are only two things you can count on in this life ,death and taxes? Well look at what they forgot .



Yes, Debra.

And I was naked, with a fur coat.

Music Little Lies/Fleetwood Mac

TV shows: Married with Children/ Robert Schuch Perfect Strangers/ Robert Schuch