Friday, December 30, 2011

When I look What I find

I Still Love You
Page 62

So we, Bootsie and I broke up before we could even announce we were together.

My shortest relationship, in some ways my longest.
And Sheryl moved back in...
... give me a break, I needed a room mate and trust me, it was a room mate relationship with one bed. Take it and run with it. I don’t care, it’s done.

But soon the space age would enter my life and the beginnings of Internet. I was computer proficient in many ways, I taught AutoCAD, and I programmed in several desktop publishing programs as well as Lotus. I knew nothing of the net and shuttered when people spoke of the International Super Highway. I convinced myself it wasn’t an issue.

I had a male friend, Mike Flores, who actually I cannot remember when we met, it seemed we were friends forever, until he looped me up in a lie he told his wife, I became the demon seed in their marriage and I have no idea what the lie entailed. Lovely, I cannot even relish the incident I may or may not have been involved. Mike and I were drinking and computer buddies. I was safe when I was with him in my lovers opinion. I really wasn’t, but it was a whole different kind of danger. He would take me to strip clubs where I would engage some professional. Not in the way you think, but mostly advising career choices. But he was also my work associate. We bounced everything off of each other. Ultimately we formed the 1960 Cad Users Group which was like watching the Big Bang Theory without the comedy. 1960 for FM1960 originally a Farm to Market road.

I had purchased a computer, $4500 for a half meg of ram and 64000 bytes in storage space. And that was a deal. Mike brought over software to hook the bare bones basic internet . It was archaic, done through DOS, no Windows yet. Once I got online through a modem, I could do a “dir” to find directories of chat rooms, and there were so few that I could immediately see the “Gay” chat rooms.

And that is how I met my Sheryl/Bootsie replacement.Sheryl was still moving out every 4 to 6 weeks and during her hiatus’. Bootsie would appeal to my lack of reticence. It wasn’t all bad.

She really made an effort with Devo, but that ship sailed. I helped Sheryl buy a brand new vehicle, and she then made her move, her final move and I was on the net chatting up every lesbian on the bulletin boards. I was as ambiguous then as I am now. It isn’t purposeful, I don’t know what it is. I don’t like to talk on the phone, I will chat once in a while on Face Book, but I have so many “friends” that I end up talking to 10 people at once and I end up typing the wrong thing to the wrong person. Or in some cases the right thing to the wrong person. Whatever. It never works out in my favor.

 In 1989 the net was devoid of the traffic we see today. But it was slow, no web pages, just a black screen where you would type a message to a person you target i.e. C:lesbo. You type that in and it directs it to Lesbo’s computer and then you chat. In spite of the low population, there was a clique. And there was one person who rose to the top in every conversation. NEW GIRL.

Soon this select group wanted to know more about me. I was accused of being a coquette, a person of self grandeur keeping everyone guessing. The truth was I worked and worked, and worked some more. Then I taught at University of Houston and ran those geek meetings. And I was a mother and God forbid, the only one who knew how to cook and wash a dish. I have never been in a relationship where I initiated it. I didn’t know how.

I finally gave in and made a mystery where everyone could participate and whomever won, WON. Cheap, insulting, fun. A little scary. I gave several clues and three were in the top running, with the participant I mentioned earlier that was always part of everyone’s conversation, in the lead. Ultimately she won and I ended up with her for four years.

But of course it didn’t start without incident. When Sheryl showed up on my doorstep ready to make new rules and amendments to our already fragmented relationship, she was met by NEW GIRL and there was a subsequent watershed Sheryl was out for good. But she didn’t know.

Bootsie was moving from her apartment in Montrose to live with me, or so she thought. In enters the “New Girl”, all of 20 years old. I thought I must be crazy. She was the same age as my son!

NEW GIRL picked me up from work and accompanied me to Bootsie’s. Bootsie immediately drew the conclusion and there was never a friendly word between them. It wasn’t pretty. But Devo made the final decision and she liked loved NEW GIRL.

NEW GIRL was the party called my life for 4 years. I taught her CAD, helped her with her resume and knew all the right leads and she garnered a pretty decent salary for not being street legal. We did a lot, more spontaneity than my body could withstand. But I kept up. The traveling was awesome. We took two cruises together, and I can tell you, there is NO better way to travel. And we did Royal Caribbean, and what a nice way to be christened a cruiser. And we would get up on A Saturday or Sunday and decide to go to San Antonio or Mexico.

But beneath the surface all was not well and with my precognition, which she denied empathically, but still met the prediction head on.

 I woke up on Sunday and said;
 “I had a dream last night that Yvonne and Susan (yes, the same Yvonne and Susan being one of NEW GIRL’S high school chum) helped you move out”.
She denied it “You’re crazy! Why do you say such things?”
Next day, my son calls and says “NEW GIRL is moving out and her friends that came to the club last night are helping”’
YAY, punked again.

And the night before we went to see my son play at a local club, Yvonne and Susan were in constant conspiracy with NEW GIRL. That is the rudest thing you can do. It is so sophomoric. One girl goes to the bathroom, other three talk talk talk, girl comes back from bathroom and the other three just stare and smile at each other. You think you leave that kind of shit back in high school and then it revisits. She was young, and I should not have given her such responsibility with my daughter. And that was unusual. I had such fright about my kids being hurt or worse.
To this day I am terrified.

My oldest son didn’t live with me all his life. The most regrettable decision I could ever have made. I had gone through the worst years of my life when my parents divorced. And that was the most attention I would ever get. There are still documents out there detailing my mother and father both wanting me to testify against the other. So One or the other would be angry with me. And not just anger, it was rage. In the end I was put in a foster home and finally my Social Worker took custody of me, moving from Kenosha to avoid retribution. It was horrific. When my first husband and I separated it got ugly and he was using my son as leverage. He was never a good husband, but he loved his son and I had to rely on that to make a decision. I could not watch this beautiful untouched childhood to suffer the rigors of a horrific divorce.

When my first husband and I separated, we didn’t file papers. I started seeing Jackie and because there was no legal documentation, I was an adulteress, so it didn’t look good for me. I lost custody. My shame. And I only saw my son sparingly. There were Christmas cards and birthday cards, but if I didn’t send them to my ex-husband’s mother, than my son did not realize. He joined me when he was 20.

Until then, either Devo went with me, or she would on occasion be allowed to stay with one of her close friends. After NEW GIRL, I allowed Devo to stay home with her. Or NEW GIRL would take Devo places. NEW GIRL was just barely an adult herself.

Compile that with my employment at a company that took advantage and my little family was in a shambles. And then I was laid off from that job because of the budget of a certain Presidential Library. I took the separation badly. I had dedicated long hours - many not even clocked, to help with the design of that building as well as working on several hospitals and the Butterfly House. People would say “You’ll NEVER lose your job, you can’t be replaced”. Bullshit, everyone is expendable. I’m proof.

I helped NEW GIRL get a new vehicle and then she decides to move out.

My life was a mess. So the Saturday after NEW GIRL exited I phoned Bootsie and told her the inevitable truth. She was in my front hallway before I even hung up. And she lived over 40 miles away. I had my way with her, tossed her keys to her and that was our last sexual encounter.  But our relationship continued none the less.

And it was the second time I put her through that. It wasn’t an evil slip, I truly loved Bootsie and she loved me. But I love my children more and there would always be that rift. But my God how I love her even now. That will be my everlasting mistake. I believe, in the end, my family may well have been more intact than it is.

Music:  Freddy Mercury and Queen/The Days of our Lives
This was Freddy's last video.  He was very emaciated, sick, but he wanted to say goodbye.   His voice and demeanor reflect a man who has already left.  None of that Killer Queen, but pure sentiment.
Here are some very interesting facts about Freddy
He was born in Zanzabar, the place of fairy tales, to a very affluent family. 
He was a good and talented child going off to boarding school at a very young age. 
His real name was Farouk, 
He was closest to his sister, whom he adored.
He was successful in all his endeavors, a talented sketch artist and clothing designer. 
During a coup in his mother country, his family fled to England where Freddy attended Art School and started a band "the Smiles" which was successful in it's own rite. 
Freddy was Parsi and followed his family's religion whenever possible.
Freddy wrote the song "Love of my life" for a lifelong friend and one time lover, a woman.  He left the bulk of his estate to her.
He didn't have a mean bone in his body and allowed everyone that wanted to be a part of his life
He was 45 when he died.  He told his public he was sick and died 24 hours later. 

Some of the names and characters in this blog are fictitious. This is an acount of actual events.  For the few who have given me permission, I thank you.   © Truth has witnesses ©DSL
©   This material is the copyright of  Dianne Schuch Lindsey and cannot be duplicated in any fashion without the express permission of the Author.    All rights reserved

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