Thursday, December 1, 2011

So little to Give

Page 52
 

end of September 1986

It was a different time. And Jackie and I enjoyed a voracious sex life at one time, Illogical after a fight but other times in the celebration of our lives together when there was calm. At one time, I felt he was the only person I would ever love. He was amazing…when he was amazing. But he allowed his quick Italian temper and other influences to interfere with that love. And he was, the only man I was ever “in-love” with.

As I felt his ardor, I tried to fall back on those times. I actually thought perhaps all this happened for a reason. Perhaps this selfish indulgence of mine would bring new life into my marriage. And with every molecule of my being, I tried to bring myself to that possible conclusion. That night. But it was gone. And I was suddenly repulsed by this newfound affection.

I pulled myself away form him, trying to be diplomatic “Please, I am so tired, honest, just tired.”
I quietly, slowly pulled back the covers, climbing in and hugging the side of the bed. Within seconds, he was pulling me to the middle of the bed and forcing himself on top of me. I fought him with everything I had. I wanted to scream but I didn’t want the kids to discover this. He felt he had a right, and that I needed this to get over what I had with Debra. It was the most awful, horrific experience and I did everything I could to free myself.   I begged him, knowing, any request would be asking a lot of someone who's go so little to give and so much to take.  And in fact, it wasn’t enough and when he was through, I grabbed my jeans and ran out the front door.

I pulled on my jeans and make a cursory search in the dark of night to see if he had followed, or anyone else was about. I ran as fast as I could to a phone and dialed the police, who, of course, said they could do nothing since he was my husband. I called Anna and Debra collect. They were both at the store where I made the call within a half hour. Anna said she didn’t care what I did; her brother did not have that right.
Anna and Debra made quick work, again, Anna the better person, me the scoundrel and Debra the Devil herself. They seated me in the middle of them . They brought me back to their house, and I don’t know, maybe it was just me, but shouldn’t this have been Debra’s cue to behave?  I barely spoke to her, because, no matter what happened n the last 24 hours, I still blamed Debra. As did Jackie, and the in-Laws. Don’t worry, it didn’t affect her. She seemed to enjoy the predicament.

As for my family, they are perpetually pissed at me. I can’t take one breath in the present without choking on the past. It seems not one visit goes by when they don’t take their own advice.. So - this changed nothing in the S____h household. I could have married a donkey and they would just carry on.

“I told you,” my 12-headed jackass of a brother George would say.
The only one that would either change the subject, or say nothing at all, would be my oldest brother Bob, who also would be cautious in believing this drivel.

My sister, (poor thing, her parents didn’t have any children that lived) like most families guarding the family secrets, Marlee would celebrate.

And my mother? Her kin are from the fifth level of hell, primarily called Mississippi. They actually went to their family reunions to find a date. She may sell herself as a southern bell but inside she’s pure Rottweiller. I’ve seen her break up entire baby showers with just one catty remark.

Anna saw me off to my usual sleeping arrangements and as I dozed off, I could hear her talking on the phone in angered tones. Anna chewed her brother out, who laughed at her thus elevating her anger to a level even I wouldn’t dare try to climb. The following morning she came in the room and sat on the bed, handing me coffee.

“Dianne, I don’t know where to begin. I do not want to talk about you and Debra.” She got up and pulled the curtains to bring in some light. “Are you gay? Or is this just another indiscretion?”

“After last night, I can easily say... I’m Gay”

I told her that my life somehow made sense, all the pieces of the puzzle fit together, I found more strength in being with myself, but the path was entirely wrong. I finally knew what it was like to be loved in a peaceful caring way. She didn’t ask me if I loved Debra. I was glad she didn’t because I would have told her the truth. And probably get kicked out on my ass with nothing but missing roads going to nowhere,  yet once again. I am sure she didn’t appreciate my new discoveries being at her expense.

But this was the least of our concerns.

Anna and Deb had also grabbed the kids and whatever they could to make certain Jackie would not be prone to involving them…which he ultimately did.

And then everything quieted down, for 2 days. I kept my distance, well, I tried to keep my distance, but Debra called the shots,,,ok, I’m a grownup.

Jackie had taken the kids for the weekend. , Debra Anna and I bid our time with games, UNO, poker.  Saturday night we went to the Ranch, a country and western club for Gay women. Anna even let Debra dance with me.  I danced with Anna as well. 

Anna made a point of introducing me to several women. Debra was showing a lot of strain from the pressure of having to remain neutral.  When Anna would turn around , Debra would glare at me, and folks, this woman could glare. But I wasn’t interested in other women.  I wanted to be. Occasionally I acted as if I were, both to placate Anna and to show Debra that if things didn’t change, this would most likely be my life played out in the future.
Until ...

That Sunday, Anna came into my room and she looked seriously concerned, Debra was behind her showing the same trepidation.


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