Saturday, December 17, 2011

Closer to Believing

Page 56

I LEFT Kenosha with $5000 in hand from my brother’s insurance policy that even today, perplexes me. It may have been 5000 pages from the Greensheet for all I cared.
Before I left Debra was adamant I come back from Kenosha before Christmas. For what? Was she going to come and stay with me? I didn’t even buy a Christmas Tree that year. Jackie bought one and all the kid’s gifts were at his house. Was Anna going to invite me over? Hardly.

No, I’ll take Kenosha for $500 Alex.

But Debra could be persistent, she promised I would not be spending Christmas Alone. So I caved and took a plane under the agreement I would be returning in five days. And I did.
 I was in a semi-coma from all the activities surrounding the funeral of a beloved younger sibling. Debra picked me up from the airport and really, I can admit, I actually knew this was coming, but I was under her spell and not the fully formed adult I am today. Granted I was 33. But I had entered a new dimension where I just may as well have been 13 and just starting a hormonal attack And there was no way to buy back yesterday, I just had to believe and hope..

She could not break free from the many activities Anna had made for Christmas. I wondered if I was even mentioned. Probably NOT, I am certain Anna thought I would be staying in Kenosha for the family.
So when Debra delivered this blow to my already fragile psyche, with her circus mirrors and twisted logic I didn’t even respond.
Which sent her into a terror. Arguments developed over thin air. I am sorry, would have sufficed rather than trying to lay blame. I think of that day and I wonder how I could have continued. But I did. And on the way home one of these arguments ended with her dropping her transmission. And as luck had it, I had $5000 and she accepted it without argument.

It was then that my head started to clear.
After a quiet, evening alone on Christmas, I was to return to work. And I did.
But I wasn’t the same. Leo was concerned, James Fowler, the President of the P.A.S.S. was more so. He made the decision to put me in charge of Curtain Call magazine’s advertising. But not without an admonishment and him making an appointment with a shrink.
James was an extremely flamboyant gay man, and agoraphobic. He had a quick temper and everyone avoided him. But now I was in his grasp, and grasp he did. He pinned me up against his bathroom wall, admonished me for my lack of boundries and self control.

“You need to get that fucking dyke out of your life. There are other gay women, far more reliable and responsible as that bitch."
But still what am I here for? I need to be here with her for without her what am I. She was the reason I continued so near for so long so close but so far away.

Instead I said nothing.

This new position was really a prime position. I met Maria Callas   Itzhak Perlman Plácido Domingo, José Carreras, and Luciano Pavarotti  And some local celebrities, Ben Stevenson from the Houston Ballet,  Ninfa Rodriguez Philanthropist, the owner of Mama Ninfa’s, but she was very involved with the arts and matched that enthusiasm with money.  I went to a parties for Theatre Under the Stars (TUTS) at Carolyn Farb's (First Lady of Philanthropy)  house, one of the first socialites to be famous for being famous. I so wish I had my pictures.
I brushed elbows with    obrianMargaret O'Brien  One of my favorite child film stars, and Edie Adams edie Edie  who was an amazing conversationalist.  We talked about her  husband,  Soupy Sales, soupy one of the inovators of stageplay fun for all ages.
I sold a lot of ads and moved up to graphic design, and finally I was in charge of photo essays replete with Baccarat Crystal and millions of dollars in diamonds. I was a producer finding all these treasures and the company’s that furnished them, who would get ad space free. We had so many jewels in one session, I had a body guard. And Devo was in one of these shoots for a butterfly essay. I actually acquired some beautiful specimens from the Museum of Science. Devo was dressed as a well heeled young lady, long Laura Ashley dress, sun hat and maryjanes. 

Though I didn’t make a lot of money, I could support myself and my kids. I even bought my first car, a 1985 Silver and black Mustang Convertible.

Debra and I continued our illicit affair, but I was seeing her less because of having a car. However, her mother was babysitting Devo and Trey. Debra still offered promises, I still convinced myself it was possible. It was only lip service

The months went by, Debra and I joined a bowling league with another of my co-workers, Sammy Rodriguez, We went camping, We went to San Antonio where we stayed in a hotel with a balcony over the river walk . That’s one thing Debra could do VERY well, spend money. There were times it scared me.
Then on May 5th, 1987, one year to the day of that first kiss, Debra announced she was going to end it with Anna. And I finally felt we were to be. "

 We went to Spring that morning looking for houses. The children were with Debra’s mom.
I was so very elated, it was finally going to happen.

By now, we can pretty much figure, it wasn’t going to happen

Debra dropped me by my apartment to change clothes. We were going to go the Ranch, a popular gay club in Houston. Her mother would keep the children for the night. And Debra was going to tell Anna and end it. I was concerned because Anna had issued her last ultimatum with a gun. And it was that gun that kept Debra with her and denied Debra and I an opportunity to become a couple. The expectations of Anna finding someone else wash pretty thin.

Debra surged through the door to my apartment, and she had a box. It was filled with the little gifts, and letters I had given her over the year.

“Why are you….“ I already knew

To be continued

We want us to be together on Sundays in the rain closer than forever against or with the grain, to ride the storms of love again."

to be continued

Music:  ELP/ Closer

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Some of the names and characters in this blog are fictitious. This is an acount of actual events.  For the few who have given me permission, I thank you.   © Truth has witnesses ©DSL

©   This material is the copyright of  Dianne Schuch Lindsey and cannot be duplicated in any fashion without the express permission of the Author.    All rights reserved

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