Saturday, December 31, 2011

I Belong to you ...

special thanks to Juli who introduced me to this song

Supererp’ dentro di me gli obstacle, I miei momenti pui difficili ...Per te

I will Surpass all the obstacles in me my most difficult moments…For You.
Page 63

My most recent relationship had come to a predictable, albeit painful end. In the gay community relationships are a success if it outlasts milk

After a slight bruising and brushing off, I met a special someone at a key meeting place for lesbians. A quaint coffee café in the lower level of Greenway Plaza. Her name was Wendy. She was the transplant coordinator for a prestigious Hospital in Houston. I will admit the draw was mostly idealistic since my father had a lung transplant and his transplant coordinator was an integral part of our life at University of Wisconsin Medical.

There was a certain amount of lust involved; we both had great bodies, kept us naked most of the time. But my children hated her.

I discovered this little coffee shop whilst working for a structural company at Greenway Plaza.  
I had been in my share of failing same sex relations Everything in my life was about to change. Fate, serendipity, whatever you want to call it. While in only my first month with Wendy, I met, what I felt was my soul-mate, kindred spirit. I locked my eyes on her; she pretended not to notice me, when the owner of the shop appeared.

“Hi Dianne!” She then addressed my target “Willie, this is Dianne, she’s “family”.

Willie said hello and then held my gaze. I knew I was about to make either the best decision or the biggest mistake of my life. The first thing she said to me was “I just broke-up with my girlfriend. (Like I gave a shit).

“Who’s your girlfriend?” I asked
“Dana S.” Willie answered.
“Oh, I know Dana. She was at the Venture-In the other night with Bootsie”

Now I will state – in advance, the Gay community is an incestuous community in that it is not unusual for your ex to be dating your NEW partner’s ex. Or your new partner is your ex’s old partner…did you get that?
Willie became very agitated and asked me to join her while she smoked a cigarette outside. Of course I did. She then asked for more details.

“I am so sick of hearing Bootsie assigned to my previous girlfriends” Willie replied angrily.
“Well, I have been attracted to Dana for some time” I offered “so where does that leave me?” “Besides, I dated Bootsie and still do from time to time.”

Willie suddenly recognized me as being the only person to make Bootsie cry. It had gotten around in the community that when I was with NEW GIRL, Bootsie had called me, I gave her the truth, and then ended it.

She went ballistic, her friend Tracy Rubio called from the Ranch and asked that I come and help that Bootsie was hysterical and actually crying. Truthfully, I NEVER saw her cry. But it was witnessed. She was crying. I knew we had problems when she kept calling the radio station and asking them to play Misty.

There were other adjectives assigned to my personality. Crazy, flirtatious, and unpredictable to name a few. But I was always a great conversationalist, keeping up to date with current affairs and a humorist, keeping people entertained. No pregnant pauses with Dianne. I truly enjoy living life's experiences through others. My sense of humor has been a great selling point. And of course, I had a reputation for being a people pleaser in ALL facets of my life. And I am generous, to a fault. I take excellent care of my lovers, cooking special things for them, all the time. Doing their dishes, laundry and resume’s. And earning the lion’s share of the money.

Willie wanted to play a dirty game on Bootsie, that initially I found to be harmless. However, it laid the road to heartache later on. If I knew then what I know now, I do not know if I would have done things differently. But I do, with all my heart hope so. Of course it was to be innocent fun, but turned into painful provocation.

Willie gave me a scenario and wanted it to be delivered. As requested, I left a message with Bootsie that I would not be meeting with her the following day. I had met a person by the name of Willie. Willie wished to take me to lunch on a romantic picnic. In reality, our relationship had taken a turn for what I felt, was positive. I had, in fact, actually fallen quite deeply for her. However, I digress;

Bootsie called back and left a fervent message.

“I cannot believe you are dating that Troll! Dianne, this is your own undoing” Booter said, “You will have every person in this community blackball you. You can count yourself off the “A-list”.

This was not as profound to me as it was to her, considering I maintained and updated this list. It would be JNA who could do this, and only JNA. Besides, I doubt if that were possible, I would probably maintain my stand.
Do not think Wendy was forgotten. No, she went ballistic. Turned out she and Willie worked together in the same Hospital and she had already experienced a go with Willie, on that turf. Willie worked with Dr. DeBakey exclusively, her position was not threatened. Wendy on the other hand was in precarious employment at that time and that is all I will say about that.

My daughter, Devo was introduced to Willie quite accidentally. We were shopping at Foleys, going down the escalator and lo and behold, who was coming down?

She yelled “Dianne”, at which time my daughter said “that better be a man!”.

Devo and I made our way to some table and chairs, waiting for Willie to descend down. Devo was both irate and curious. Willie came directly.

"Mom what happened to Wendy?”
“Nothing” I replied. ‘What makes you ask”

Willie seated herself as I introduced my much talked about, very intelligent daughter, who was at least 20 years older in mind. But, at this time she was sporting the “child”.

“Mom, do you know how NOT to flirt with another woman, as a matter of fact, do you know how to not flirt with anyone?”

But not to fret Wendy dug in her ankles and kept a solid footing on our precarious relationship, after not only finding out about Willie, but finding Willie was a too-far-gone liaison. During this time, Wendy had tried to hold me captive in her house. When I got loose, I went home to find Willie there for the last 2 days watching my kids.

Yes, she already moved in. She was homeless after Dana booted her out, staying with a friend from The Ren Fair. It is important that you remember this fact. I had a home, a nice car, a great job. I neither drank or did drugs. My life was on a solid footing. However, I was relationship dependant.

At that time my daughter was 11 and my son 20. So they did not need anything more than Willie’s supervision. But I felt it was one more selling point for Willie. As I stated earlier, Wendy did not want to be a parent.

Yet, Willie had told Dana that she did not want to have children. Mine were different? My kid’s loved her.

My son went as far as to ask me to meet him at the “coffee shop” where I had met both Wendy and Willie. He was quite serious.

“We don’t like Wendy” he said “we Do like Willie.” So that was it.

Wendy did not let go to easy. No, she kept this 3 way rift running a good 3 months. Even when she found out Willie dropped me off and picked me up every day.

She preferred to ignore the obvious. The “first time” with Willie, occurred at a prestigious hotel. I had used Wendy’s vehicle after dropping her at work, to go to this rendezvous with Willie. When I went back to get Wendy at work, my hair was wet. She knew I was neither at home or at her place, yet she still never asked me a question.

Willie was so troubled by this lack of total commitment from me that she went to San Francisco to see her friends. I called her there after she left numerous messages. In the messages on my phone, she was down, but after my call, she felt that Wendy would soon be behind us. She got her nipple pierced. She said it was for me. Lesbians…

I was probably more attracted to the person I wanted her to be, rather than the person she was. She went with us to my daughter’s Junior High graduation. My son said we looked like the Adams Family. We were the hypothetical
dysFUNctional family. She would portray this same nurturing attention for quite a few years following. Wendy was not to be sidelined. This cat fight between her and Willie would continue until a full blown confrontation occurred in June.
I made the mistake of going to a Moody Blues concert with Wendy in June and she took this as (with reason) a new commitment.

It wasn’t. I just liked the Moody Blues and Willie did not. I didn’t know it yet, but I had turned into a dying star ready to implode into myself.

This culminated into a physical altercation, in which Wendy arrived at my home in Spring, Texas, and saw a vase of flowers (from my mother to Devo). She immediately surmised that Willie had sent them, thus, they needed to go. She threw them across the room and Willie threw her out. She came back in and … Willie won, let’s just say that. We were all marked by the physical end of this.

By the end of June, Willie asked for a new and final allegiance from me. She deserved one. I gave it. Willie decided at once she was going to be my next and last attraction. AND...she purchased several leashes to keep track of me. A beeper, a cellphone (very expensive at that time) and a personal escort to and from work.
Don’t worry, I have not forgotten Bootsie
Trust me NO-ONE could forget Bootsie.
But I met someone that made me believe my search was over, who made me no longer long to have Debra back. She was like Debra without the deception.

To be continued ...


Music:  EROS/Anastacia I belong to you.
If It Seems Too Goo To Be True On YouTube

Some of the names and characters in this blog are fictitious. This is an acount of actual events.  For the few who have given me permission, I thank you.   © Truth has witnesses ©DSL
©   This material is the copyright of  Dianne Schuch Lindsey and cannot be duplicated in any fashion without the express permission of the Author.    All rights reserved

Friday, December 30, 2011

When I look What I find

I Still Love You
Page 62

So we, Bootsie and I broke up before we could even announce we were together.

My shortest relationship, in some ways my longest.
And Sheryl moved back in...
... give me a break, I needed a room mate and trust me, it was a room mate relationship with one bed. Take it and run with it. I don’t care, it’s done.

But soon the space age would enter my life and the beginnings of Internet. I was computer proficient in many ways, I taught AutoCAD, and I programmed in several desktop publishing programs as well as Lotus. I knew nothing of the net and shuttered when people spoke of the International Super Highway. I convinced myself it wasn’t an issue.

I had a male friend, Mike Flores, who actually I cannot remember when we met, it seemed we were friends forever, until he looped me up in a lie he told his wife, I became the demon seed in their marriage and I have no idea what the lie entailed. Lovely, I cannot even relish the incident I may or may not have been involved. Mike and I were drinking and computer buddies. I was safe when I was with him in my lovers opinion. I really wasn’t, but it was a whole different kind of danger. He would take me to strip clubs where I would engage some professional. Not in the way you think, but mostly advising career choices. But he was also my work associate. We bounced everything off of each other. Ultimately we formed the 1960 Cad Users Group which was like watching the Big Bang Theory without the comedy. 1960 for FM1960 originally a Farm to Market road.

I had purchased a computer, $4500 for a half meg of ram and 64000 bytes in storage space. And that was a deal. Mike brought over software to hook the bare bones basic internet . It was archaic, done through DOS, no Windows yet. Once I got online through a modem, I could do a “dir” to find directories of chat rooms, and there were so few that I could immediately see the “Gay” chat rooms.

And that is how I met my Sheryl/Bootsie replacement.Sheryl was still moving out every 4 to 6 weeks and during her hiatus’. Bootsie would appeal to my lack of reticence. It wasn’t all bad.

She really made an effort with Devo, but that ship sailed. I helped Sheryl buy a brand new vehicle, and she then made her move, her final move and I was on the net chatting up every lesbian on the bulletin boards. I was as ambiguous then as I am now. It isn’t purposeful, I don’t know what it is. I don’t like to talk on the phone, I will chat once in a while on Face Book, but I have so many “friends” that I end up talking to 10 people at once and I end up typing the wrong thing to the wrong person. Or in some cases the right thing to the wrong person. Whatever. It never works out in my favor.

 In 1989 the net was devoid of the traffic we see today. But it was slow, no web pages, just a black screen where you would type a message to a person you target i.e. C:lesbo. You type that in and it directs it to Lesbo’s computer and then you chat. In spite of the low population, there was a clique. And there was one person who rose to the top in every conversation. NEW GIRL.

Soon this select group wanted to know more about me. I was accused of being a coquette, a person of self grandeur keeping everyone guessing. The truth was I worked and worked, and worked some more. Then I taught at University of Houston and ran those geek meetings. And I was a mother and God forbid, the only one who knew how to cook and wash a dish. I have never been in a relationship where I initiated it. I didn’t know how.

I finally gave in and made a mystery where everyone could participate and whomever won, WON. Cheap, insulting, fun. A little scary. I gave several clues and three were in the top running, with the participant I mentioned earlier that was always part of everyone’s conversation, in the lead. Ultimately she won and I ended up with her for four years.

But of course it didn’t start without incident. When Sheryl showed up on my doorstep ready to make new rules and amendments to our already fragmented relationship, she was met by NEW GIRL and there was a subsequent watershed Sheryl was out for good. But she didn’t know.

Bootsie was moving from her apartment in Montrose to live with me, or so she thought. In enters the “New Girl”, all of 20 years old. I thought I must be crazy. She was the same age as my son!

NEW GIRL picked me up from work and accompanied me to Bootsie’s. Bootsie immediately drew the conclusion and there was never a friendly word between them. It wasn’t pretty. But Devo made the final decision and she liked loved NEW GIRL.

NEW GIRL was the party called my life for 4 years. I taught her CAD, helped her with her resume and knew all the right leads and she garnered a pretty decent salary for not being street legal. We did a lot, more spontaneity than my body could withstand. But I kept up. The traveling was awesome. We took two cruises together, and I can tell you, there is NO better way to travel. And we did Royal Caribbean, and what a nice way to be christened a cruiser. And we would get up on A Saturday or Sunday and decide to go to San Antonio or Mexico.

But beneath the surface all was not well and with my precognition, which she denied empathically, but still met the prediction head on.

 I woke up on Sunday and said;
 “I had a dream last night that Yvonne and Susan (yes, the same Yvonne and Susan being one of NEW GIRL’S high school chum) helped you move out”.
She denied it “You’re crazy! Why do you say such things?”
Next day, my son calls and says “NEW GIRL is moving out and her friends that came to the club last night are helping”’
YAY, punked again.

And the night before we went to see my son play at a local club, Yvonne and Susan were in constant conspiracy with NEW GIRL. That is the rudest thing you can do. It is so sophomoric. One girl goes to the bathroom, other three talk talk talk, girl comes back from bathroom and the other three just stare and smile at each other. You think you leave that kind of shit back in high school and then it revisits. She was young, and I should not have given her such responsibility with my daughter. And that was unusual. I had such fright about my kids being hurt or worse.
To this day I am terrified.

My oldest son didn’t live with me all his life. The most regrettable decision I could ever have made. I had gone through the worst years of my life when my parents divorced. And that was the most attention I would ever get. There are still documents out there detailing my mother and father both wanting me to testify against the other. So One or the other would be angry with me. And not just anger, it was rage. In the end I was put in a foster home and finally my Social Worker took custody of me, moving from Kenosha to avoid retribution. It was horrific. When my first husband and I separated it got ugly and he was using my son as leverage. He was never a good husband, but he loved his son and I had to rely on that to make a decision. I could not watch this beautiful untouched childhood to suffer the rigors of a horrific divorce.

When my first husband and I separated, we didn’t file papers. I started seeing Jackie and because there was no legal documentation, I was an adulteress, so it didn’t look good for me. I lost custody. My shame. And I only saw my son sparingly. There were Christmas cards and birthday cards, but if I didn’t send them to my ex-husband’s mother, than my son did not realize. He joined me when he was 20.

Until then, either Devo went with me, or she would on occasion be allowed to stay with one of her close friends. After NEW GIRL, I allowed Devo to stay home with her. Or NEW GIRL would take Devo places. NEW GIRL was just barely an adult herself.

Compile that with my employment at a company that took advantage and my little family was in a shambles. And then I was laid off from that job because of the budget of a certain Presidential Library. I took the separation badly. I had dedicated long hours - many not even clocked, to help with the design of that building as well as working on several hospitals and the Butterfly House. People would say “You’ll NEVER lose your job, you can’t be replaced”. Bullshit, everyone is expendable. I’m proof.

I helped NEW GIRL get a new vehicle and then she decides to move out.

My life was a mess. So the Saturday after NEW GIRL exited I phoned Bootsie and told her the inevitable truth. She was in my front hallway before I even hung up. And she lived over 40 miles away. I had my way with her, tossed her keys to her and that was our last sexual encounter.  But our relationship continued none the less.

And it was the second time I put her through that. It wasn’t an evil slip, I truly loved Bootsie and she loved me. But I love my children more and there would always be that rift. But my God how I love her even now. That will be my everlasting mistake. I believe, in the end, my family may well have been more intact than it is.

Music:  Freddy Mercury and Queen/The Days of our Lives
This was Freddy's last video.  He was very emaciated, sick, but he wanted to say goodbye.   His voice and demeanor reflect a man who has already left.  None of that Killer Queen, but pure sentiment.
Here are some very interesting facts about Freddy
He was born in Zanzabar, the place of fairy tales, to a very affluent family. 
He was a good and talented child going off to boarding school at a very young age. 
His real name was Farouk, 
He was closest to his sister, whom he adored.
He was successful in all his endeavors, a talented sketch artist and clothing designer. 
During a coup in his mother country, his family fled to England where Freddy attended Art School and started a band "the Smiles" which was successful in it's own rite. 
Freddy was Parsi and followed his family's religion whenever possible.
Freddy wrote the song "Love of my life" for a lifelong friend and one time lover, a woman.  He left the bulk of his estate to her.
He didn't have a mean bone in his body and allowed everyone that wanted to be a part of his life
He was 45 when he died.  He told his public he was sick and died 24 hours later. 

Some of the names and characters in this blog are fictitious. This is an acount of actual events.  For the few who have given me permission, I thank you.   © Truth has witnesses ©DSL
©   This material is the copyright of  Dianne Schuch Lindsey and cannot be duplicated in any fashion without the express permission of the Author.    All rights reserved

Thursday, December 29, 2011


You lost your love and you just can't carry on
Page 61

September 1991
In the dawning of the day I felt all my failures had seized, was as short lived as the life of a gnat.
The night before was euphoric, the next day, not so much.

Bootsie had taken me to work, in my car. We didn’t “dalli”, but quickly showered and left. Having the keys to my car also meant she had the keys to the house, and as anyone who knows Bootsie would say, she is a habitual snoop. Just a quirk, not an accusation. And in reality, aren’t we All voyeurs?

The day slagged unlike my love life which was habitual serial, monogamy. But 5 o’clock came and I was out the door too sweet. Bootsie was already waiting, top down on my convertible looking like she had that car all her life. She looked good, and the combination of her and that car that I mightily loved, I felt blessed. For a second.

“How was work?” a terrifically stupid question. And those who say Oh I loved it need a life ... Or a lifestyle change. And that wasn’t her real question.

She had gone back top the house, to be expected, and had noticed things were different from the night before. Apparently in all our lust she just skimmed past the two doors immediately preceding the love den, in practical terms, the mistress bedroom. Upon returning she took inventory of who else may be living there.

“Di, there is no delicate way to put this. She started “You have children?” More a statement than a question.
“Yes, my daughter is still living at home, but, not to worry, she really is a 60 year old in a 10 year old’s body”.

Bootsie doesn’t do competition of this sort. She’ll go head to head with every dyke and man on the universe, but children are another thing altogether. The sad thing was, she had not even met the child. I made a point of adult proofing my children. I always warned that the first opinion would essentially be the ONLY opinion, and they should always be certain that when they left said house, they would be welcomed back. And I did this without physical damage. My daughter was especially cautious when it came to others opinions. She had high self esteem, but she yearned to be a few steps higher than the average child her age because she craved education. Life experiences were interesting to her even as a very young child. She was an innate listener, but had the shortfall of being argumentative when she absolutely knew she was correct. It was not often she was incorrect, when she was, she offered apologies. But woe to whomever offered opposition. That was a problem if it was anyone but family. Bootsie felt that children should not argue ANYTHING, no matter how encyclopedia the issue.

I explained this to Bootsie at length. I really cared for her, but , in ALL cases, my children made the final decision. I know there are many out there that have guffawed at that statement, but to have a harmonious household is conducive to good health. And children can be formidable.

The sad thing is, Devo liked Bootsie. As opposed to most of the women I had been with to date, she had remarkable intellect. Devo craved this in people and had little patience for issues of no context.

In spite of all of that, I still looked forward to their meeting and felt it would be a wonderful meeting of the minds.

We picked Devo up from daycare, and she was still the small adult in the making though only seven. She came running to the car ready to share the days events. She immediately liked Bootsie, but who wouldn’t. So, being introduced to new “meat” her life story began. And Bootsie did her best in Bootsie terms, to placate the child.

But this fell apart over something as trivial as a pink liquid.

While eating dinner, I coughed, Bootsie clichéd “Must have gone down the wrong pipe”

This sent the child scurrying to the medicine cabinet, bringing the bottle of Pepto bismal with the detail of the human digestive system on the back, explaining how it would be impossible for it to “go down the wrong pipe”. And the war was on.

I thought it was rather assertive of Devo to make a point with detail. I honestly felt Bootsie would find this clever.
She did not.  Bootsie felt children were never to argue with an adult. She was raised in that fashion as were most baby boomers. There is an extreme in either discourse and I will admit, I favored Devo because, frankly, she was already light years ahead of the average human being intellectually. And being a baby boomer as well as the much unpopular middle child, I knew how not to raise a child. As it goes I didn’t get it right either way.  So day 3 of Bootsie and my relationship went something like this:

Sheryl decides she wanted to move home...AGAIN. She argues this while Bootsie - for whatever reason - hides in the garage holding our cat cloudy. To this day I have no idea what either of us were thinking.
Sheryl leaves, Bootsie and I make an appointment to discuss this during daylight hours.
Either en route or at work. Uneventful until ...
Bootsie calls, seemingly upset. Her tires had been flattened. She was certain it was Sheryl.

I was equally as uncertain it was Sheryl. Sheryl was at work, I was certain. And truthfully - she wouldn’t have had the gumption much less the knowledge one would need to put together that scenario. Her adversary’s name, not too difficult, but it can take a bit of time, then her address, where she would be when and what kind of car she had.

So I offered to pay for new tires. She demurred and was especially pathetic in demeanor. But, NO, I insisted.

“Just a minute Diane (her sister)” She says as she covers the phone’s mouthpiece “My sister, Diane has already come here from work and taking me to get new ones, and she wants to pay for them”.

Well, I have an almost surreal sense of memory. Surreal in that I remember the most inane things but forgets the important things. I recalled Bootsie telling me about her family, her father’s steel company and her sister working for him. And of course she just gave me her sister’s name. Luckily Diane was the sister that worked at her father’s company or this case would never have been solved.

After I hung up with Bootsie, I found the number to her father’s company and asked for Diane. Luckily she wasn’t on break or in the powder room. She picked up and I made some lame excuse about being mistaken to the wrong extension, something of that nature.

Of course a call to Bootsie was in order. And she was home ... still. Not very quick thinking. No caller ID much less cell phones. Still, wouldn’t you think she could follow up that lie with equal action?

“Bootsie, I just spoke to your sister...”

And she was off, like a friggin tire fire. I let her take it away until she ran out of steam. Pretty much pissed off that I called her family. Not even recognizing the lie she was just snagged in.

As soon as I could get a word in, I told her I didn’t give a shit about one word she said, because it was offensive to think I could buy into that narrative. What was the REAL story here? My heart was breaking to think that this person I felt so treasured by, was not the person I celebrated. Fortunately she picked up on that immediately.

“It’s the kid” She sounded like she was reading a Robert Evan’s script “I just can’t take you having a child”

So there it was, and considering my track record, I shouldn’t have been surprised. But that didn’t stop the sensitivity lobe from making the leap of faith. And she was speaking of my child. That not only closes the door, but it pretty much seals it, nails it, boards it, and cinder blocks it. Closed for good.

But it didn’t necessarily close any windows. Well, ok, I'm being ambiguous. You will understand.

 To be continued ...


Music:  ELO/Confusion

The Music of “If It Seems Too Good To Be True” on YOUTUBE

 © This material is the copyright of
Dianne Schuch Lindsey and cannot be duplicated in any fashion without the express permission of the Author. All rights reserved

Some of the names and characters in this blog are fictitious. This is an acount of actual events. For the few who have given me permission, I thank you. © Truth has witnesses ©DSL

Thursday, December 22, 2011

Bootsie Cobden Revisited

  Page 60
The Music of “If It Seems Too Good To Be True” on YOUTUBE

I had a Fast Car, I had a way to get us out of here.

I was moving up in the world and I started to feel like all my pain and suffering was going to pay off.

I left Airdyne, one reason being, I could make more money elsewhere. And Yvonne was getting dangerous.

I could eliminate the problem in my work environment, but she still lived less than 5 miles from me and she tormented Sheryl every chance she could. I would come home and there she would be, Devo on her lap, Trey running out the door clutching the $25 she gave him, or she let him steal from her. It depended on what our previous discussion regarding his spending issues managed to penetrate her damaged psyche. She used my kids, she made Sheryl crazy, yet she couldn't make a commitment to me.

Sheryl would become exasperated thinking if she did her typical "I am going to leave to teach you a lesson", maybe she could stop Yvonne and I from whatever we said we weren't doing.

On one of these hiatuses, Yvonne showed up, bags packed ready to move in. But not really. She just wanted to spray the trees and plants outside so Sheryl wouldn't return.

But the first night she stayed, she became sick. Cold, clammy, low grade fever. I had to rush her to Houston Northwest Hospital. I stayed as long as I could while my neighbors kept an eye on the children. But eventually I was run off, so I returned home, showered and immediately returned to the hospital only to find all sorts of rebukes, and "caution" signs. With instructions to check in at the nurses station.

They couldn’t tell me what was wrong, and she wouldn’t.
All I could think was "What have I done, what have I exposed my kids to?"

She had known she was sick, but never told me. I find that truly negligent when it comes to children and I made an emotional retreat..

Sheryl stayed away especially long this time, I found myself capriciously unattached.
On Monday after the weekend in and out of the Hospital with Yvonne, I decided to stop at the Ranch after work.
I had on a deep teal linen suit and my hair "West U Bobbed".

I immediately spotted the charming and beloved Bootsie when I flipped my ID for the bouncer to not give a shit about. And Bootsie shot a quick glance and then longing stare in my direction. I made a purposeful walk directly to her, sat on the chair next to her station at the bar.

Bootsie was a well socialized vogue Dyke and everyone loved her, everyone wanted to be with her or just be around her. So I didn't really feel like I had any sort of a chance with her, but what the hell.

I reached for her, took her towel off her shoulder, placing it on the bar, leading her to the dance floor.directly to her and pulled her to the dance floor.

"I don't dance" She said as she put my hand on her shoulder and her arm around my waist.
"I know, do you want to come home with me?"

And before I could absorb my good fortune, she ran behind the bar, made her apologies, took her coat and keys and grabbed me by the arm.

Five minutes total from parking my car to walking out with her.

"I have a car, would you like me to drive?" I offered
"No, I will follow you. On second thought, I will leave my car here how far do you live? Oh 50 miles, then you won't want to drive all the way back here to bring me to my car. Ok, well, then yes, we'll take your car, we'll do that...yes.. we'll do that.

This was a humorous romp and of all the women I have been with, and men, this woman truly had been waiting. As I finally found out, from the first day Debra brought me in to Kindred Spirits and I told Bootsie I was straight.
She was nervous. And I found that charming. She had so many people in her life, so many lovers. Why me?
She said she had never been with anyone who sported suits and heels, sexy lingerie and this was what she always wanted.
I found this revelation to be close to unbelievable.

When we got to my home, she was taken in by the Victorian surroundings, artistic touches including my own works, and truly delightful bedroom with all the pillows, dolls, and silk touches. She was very happy and said so…often.
I went in to take a shower while she lay on my bed waiting. She was under the covers, reading a book, upside down. Truly cliché’. And truly, she was unaware.

The lights were low, she had already poured two glasses of wine and I came out of the bathroom dressed in a pale pink Anais Anais robe, which she took off me so tenderly, so sweetly. It was a romantic night, one not filled with threats, broken promises and certain abandonment.

I did not want to fall in love again. But she was something special. And moreover, she felt I was as well.
The following morning, she rook me to work in my car, she made plans to pick me up that evening, whereas I would take her to work at an insurance video firm. She watched movies looking for missing pieces of art and other high priced irreplaceable items.
There was an issue we did not discuss. Something I never felt would be an issue. But my life is never that simple. And this would prove no different.

To be continued

Music:  Fast Car Tracy Chapman

Some of the names and characters in this blog are fictitious. This is an acount of actual events.  For the few who have given me permission, I thank you.   © Truth has witnesses ©DSL
©   This material is the copyright of  Dianne Schuch Lindsey and cannot be duplicated in any fashion without the express permission of the Author.    All rights reserved

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

No More I love You's

Page 59

I left the city limits of Houston for the Spring Independant School District.  Devo's Kindergarten teacher wanted to hold her back.  Which was ridiculous, but every parent needs to face certain facts.  The facts in this case were, move to save my childs educational career.  It would be a long workday trip to the prime companies that wanted me in the city, but I was not taking this chance.  My school career was horrific.  My family did not care about my happiness, they moved me during my 5th grade year and I never recovered.

I took Devo to her new school omitting her records (I explained they would be there shortly).  I did not want that retched teacher's opinion to mar her potential.

The new School Devo started at did not even wait 2 hours before contacting me at work.   I was foiled again.  And I probably should have saved my money and stay put in Sharpstown.  It was going to be the same thing all over and I was defeated when I picked up the phone.

“Ms. Lindsey, Devo should not be in this class. We would like to advance her.” After a moment to collect myself, we agreed on the Tier program, which Devo would be in the top, or 4th tier. I didn’t want her to be continually advanced loosing her friends along the way. And even today, she has relationships with her childhood friends, Shay, Brooke and Jennifer. Devo thrived and would graduate with a scholarship,a full ride, to Drake.

But I digress

My romantic life was in retrospect, surprsingly constant.  With working raising children, I chose to keep anyone I met at arm's length from my family.  And there still was Sheryl

While working at Avery, I met a young girl named Tracy (not the one I previously roomed with). She had just gotten out of the Army and she was a crisp, docker dyke as they call them. Sheryl and I were so on again, off again that when Tracy asked me out, I thought, shit, ok. She was a cute, bossy little thing. I was truly attracted to her, physically, but she was young and I had a relationship…sort of. She had stronger feelings than I, and when her love went unrequitted, she decided when Sheryl and I were at the Ranch, she was going to ruin my car. She came very close before Sheryl got a hold of her. This poor girl, I shouldn’t have played with her so.
Tracy did do some damage to the interior of my Mustang.  And this car was my first.  And it was HOT.  I learned to never love an inanimate object again.  This car was the cause and play of far too many memories.

The language of love was leaving me and I was no longer relying on the heart to destroy my ability to thrive as an individual. I was becoming one of those people I feared.  The demons in my room at night were fading as Debra and I fell apart, quickly.  The doors opened for me to find myself as the person I had recently become.  A gay woman, raising children in a bigoted work ethic. I was up against many monsters.  I could and would be fired for being gay.  It was illegal to be gay in Texas and once a company found out, they could file it for the future, so when they made cut backs, mine was an easy lay off.

So there it is, a woman kept me as a mistress. Another woman stalked me. Once again, something that would never have happened with a man. Dude! Woman are EMOTIONAL. I don’t know what happened to Tracy, Though I would like to know. The last I heard, she called me up late at night and said she had a gun and was going to hold up the 7-11 Fast Grocery store. And of course, it was my fault.

I no longer wanted to work on the periphery of Cad and realized, this is what I want to do. Draw in the computer.

One of the firms that had called Cad Cam asking for classes for their employees, SDM found me at my home on a Saturday and asked me to come to their place. I was hired on the spot.

I worked my ass off at that company. The owner, a female, wanted to spend time with me away from my job. She wasn't gay, but she was curious.  I didn’t mind, I really liked her so much, and she and her husband actually gave me a company car.  It was obvious the woman was interested in more than an employee. But she was not my type. And her husband worshiped her.  Things became strained as she would talk about her sex life, and wanted me to tell her of mine.  I was not so quick back then to discuss these matters.

And, I recognized in myself a certain attraction to the very butch type of woman. The take over and worship me types.
Everything at SDM was fine, going well, I was making money. Sheryl still lived with me and moved out at will. But things at work were difficult. The work was a dream, but the owner was getting extremely jealous of what I did with others. I tried to ignore it, placate it, whatever it took. After 6 months of this Cat and Mouse and me not reacting, I walked in the office to see her and her husband in her office.

They called me in. She sat there and let her husband do the talking.  I still think of the imediate loss of respect I had for her once she took that stance.  He told me I was being let go. “Because my wife is no longer happy”
I sat and stared first at her than through her. They had two young boys and I didn’t want to ruin there lives. She is lucky, because this was a precident setting sexual harassment case. Instead, I pulled myself up by my
bootstraps and carried on.

And yes, Debra was still there to meet my every problem, but our sexual relationship stopped. My idea. I got off more on telling her of my exploits than having relations with her.

I immediately went to work at another company on my list; Airdyne in the Spring area. (still in the A's) During my interview, as I was told later, another female with the firm had watched through 1 way glass.

When I started, God, again, was looking out for me. They did not have my computer station ready, so I was told just to study up for a couple of weeks and I did. This refolded my entire life.  This 6 weeks I spent learning AutoCAD, AutoLISP, design templates for the writing tablets and set up CAD standards. and basic programming.  This little hiccup with the firm changed my overall salaray expectations.  I would go from a draftsperson to Cad Manager to Cad Management/Electrical Design.  I trained many firms in Houston.  Gensler and Associates, Exxon, ENRON, FKP and the biggie BDMI where I reformed the entire company in 6 weeks. I also became a well known name in the CAD industry being published in both Cadence and the Release 9 Learning AutoCAD manual. I was certainly proud of myself. I could make my children’s life so much better. Devo especially, since she had high standards for the form of extracurricular activities she boasted.

Those first two weeks at Airdyne, nothing out of the ordinary occurred. I was told about different employees and what their preferences were. And one missing female, Yvonne Johnson.

I cannot even begin to describe the feelings I had when I saw her. She was an Annie Lennox doppelganger. The blond hair spike short, a tall slender athletic body. And the lunacy.  Every moment under this women's fingertips was magical, sinful, savage and dangerous.  Every lover I had and would have despised her.  Bootsie called her the "Snake Lady" (I think it was something other than "lady")

 And it was the only time Debra used the "c" word.  Yvonne was a hot act to follow.  And no one knew this better than Yvonne.

The Monday I came to work, whisking past everyone around me, trying to get to my workstation to start some scheduled drawings, I felt a presence. There was a small gap in the partition where I could see the sales floor. And there she sat. In a gray skirt suit, turned around directly to me, her hands crossed across her lap, just staring.  Basic Instinct, and eventually I would need that Ice Pick..

I don’t get it. I usually work predominantly with men and they never figure it out. Adaptation, sports and midnight snacks get more attention than the detail of women. So how did she know? HUH? How? She made me so uncomfortable I couldn’t work. I turned my chair away and pretended I saw nothing.

Then my phone rang. “This is Dianne”
“I know” a Demi Moored voice said. “I watched you when you gave your interview”
I slowly turned around and she was sitting in the same position, only this time one hand held the phone. I turned back immediately

“Yes, what can I do for you miss….” I blurted
“Yvonne, no miss, just Yvonne.” she continued “How about lunch…today. OK at 12, I’ll meet you by your little grey car.”
"...uh silver ca..." and she hung up before i could finish that menial detail.

Decision made. And I had nothing to do with that decision.

That first lunch date, we didn’t have lunch. And what we did have, was a far cry from anything to date. That evening I followed her home to her house in Foxboro, Humble.

Her lover worked for the “BELL” companies and was away more than home. They had a beautiful home, and many pets as Yvonne was prone to bringing them home, something like she did with me.

It was every man's fantasy, two women in suits, peeling them off each other not even making it to the bedroom. We spent most of our time wanting to have sex, having sex making plans to have sex.  We wrestled on the floor and she broke her finger. But she didn’t care, she went into the kitchen and got a couple of popsicles.

“Hurray, eat it, “ and we did, kind of.
I put the splint on her finger and before I could say “Don’t get that wet” she got it wet and again it started, but this time she turned into a vamp and I had to keep up, don’t feel bad for me, it was a challenge I met and practiced often.

We both showered and fell into bed falling asleep.   I woke up at 8pm. Oh my God, Sheryl.
I knew she was home with the kids and thought I was at work, but if she called them, that would have been the worst. After where Yvonne and I were, I certainly did not want to be engaged in quite the opposite once I returned home.

That night was as it should have been, no questions. Until the Christmas Party.

Sheryl was going to stay home while Yvonne and I took Devo to the Airdyne Christmas function. When Sheryl met Yvonne, she just stood there staring at her stunned. Sheryl and I had very little if any sex. I never knew why she was a lesbian, she should just have been a nun, and even they have more fun than that.

Yvonne exuded sexuality. From that moment on, Sheryl had her hairs up about Yvonne and could not stop bitching about her. I tried to reassure her, but women are too smart for that crap.

I wanted to end my relationship with Sheryl, but Sheryl wasn’t having it and after she would move out, again, she would show up at 11pm crying and blathering and wanting me to forgive her, yet also wanted me to afford the relationship with fidelity.

She would wear me out and my having to be at work bright and early would preclude common sense and calling the police to have her removed.  it was just easier.

As for fidelity, that would be impossible. I really did not love Sheryl and I was beginning to have extremely strong feelings for Yvonne. If she would have left her lover, I would have moved into a permanent relationship with her, even though, I myself would be the one peeking around corners or listening to phone calls. In some ways, that is what frightened me…and so Yvonne and I carried on whenever or wherever we could, including the warehouse at work.

That Christmas party was very special as I had made the decorations at this party, enlisting people to help me wire almost 100 feet of greenery along a walk to the main warehouse where I had balloons festooned in the shape of a rainbow. All my centerpieces were given away as prizes, and my daughter showed me her worth that night.

Devo had watched me make these centerpieces, with masks, glitter, and festive "this and thats" in black ArtDECO glass vases. She was looking forward to getting one after the party and carried on for a week.
When the evening ended a little girl who had downs syndrome was hiding behind her daddy’s sleeve, staring at Devo who had her centerpiece In hand. Devo walked over to the little girl who looked like she was crying, and handed her the vase - without a word.

When your child does something like this, and she did it often, you cannot help but be pumped up and proud.

Yvonne loved my kids, and they loved her.   Yvonne didn’t know, that this would be my last week. I was moving up with the big guys and would be working at 1 Riverway, where the Summit was in the late 80’s. Day Brown Rice.

I was living my life for my kids.   I was working for their success, and it would take a lot to convince me to stay in any relationship.  I kept Sheryl around because she was safe..  And it was just that easy.  Love my kids, respect my job, give me a reason to stay.

This constitution eventually betrayed me.

To be continued

Music:  No more I love you's/Annie Lennox
If It Seems Too Goo To Be True On YouTube

Some of the names and characters in this blog are fictitious. This is an acount of actual events.  For the few who have given me permission, I thank you.   © Truth has witnesses ©DSL
©   This material is the copyright of  Dianne Schuch Lindsey and cannot be duplicated in any fashion without the express permission of the Author.    All rights reserved

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Wicked Games, Resume's and Jobs

Page 58

What a wicked thing you say to make me feel this way

(I was going to offer this as a "Second Brilliant Career)

I had finally come to the reality that Debra was not going to follow through.  It was time.  I had reached fork in the road and I needed to decide before anna stabbed me with it..  I needed to choose which one  

I went out with a few well placed woman in the community. I met them through the magazine I worked, Curtain Call. I honed in on the ones that would piss Debra off the most…and it did. I cannot name these people without their permission, but anyone who knows me, knows who these people were.

That night at the Ranch with Tracy Rubio, Sheryl my knight(ress?) from the Ranch, came home with me and she stayed…for four years! I was not in love, I didn't want to fall in love.

She didn’t have a job and that wasn’t going to work. So I showed her, finally doing it for her, how to make a resume and going after what she wanted. She was useless in this endeavor, so I did all the cold calling, creating a beautiful resume, hand writing the letters and sending them out. She wanted to work in the legal field, so I opened the phone book and hand wrote onto graph paper every firm, address and phone info, then I would call each one and get names. She had a job within a week.

She could help with the bills, but many times she would leave “walk out” when the bills were due. She would throw in my face my family’s comportment and how privileged I had been. Which had nothing to do with anything since I was a big girl and should be supporting myself. I needed to have a responsible room mate and Tracy didn’t like Sheryl, quickly moving out.

Debra made the best of that. Whenever Cheryl ducked out of paying her bills, Debra was there to lend a helping hand. I needed the help. I really could not continue like that so after talking with Jackie,
“Why don’t you follow your own rule. You get everyone jobs, including me, why not do the same?”   Jackie said

But I still didn’t know what I wanted to do.
I had, to date, never had a resume’. Didn’t know how to make one. But I learned quickly when my husband wanted to change jobs, or got fired..After one of these momentous occasions, he had put a resume together, typed in the fashion of a child banging out letters on a typewriter. The resume was a joke at best. Words misspelled, letters a bit above or below the previous one. I found that to be questionable since he was a brilliant individual, a clever wordsmith, but horrific speller. And obvious lack of vision. But it wasn’t just the graphical issues, it didn’t “flow”. There was no rhyme or reason. And he had sent out a dozen or so..

I took the pathetic excuse for a resume and retyped it, and it was beautiful. I then opened the phone book and transferred to paper every Computer Technician company. And in Houston, I promise, there are a boatload. I then called each firm asking who was in charge of the computer department. Many times I was immediately transferred to said person. The first time I was aghast..
“Oh my god, what do I do, what do I say?”
“This is Joe Computer, what can I do for you?”
"Well...I am calling companies to find leads for my husband”
“Why isn’t HE doing that"
“Well…sir…he is working, and he cannot take the time out of his day that belongs to his present company, to do this research”

And right away, the person became impressed. In the end, I would send out 50 or so, and he had the kings choice of firms. After 11 years our marriage began to fail. But anyone who is familiar with this biography knows, Jackie started to destroy the marriage early on. I was just finally getting fed up. During the marriage I painted, created, designed whatever I could I thrived on art. My husband would bring home computer units from National Semi-conductor and set them on the table for me to play. These units were HUGE. They would take up 4 square feet of space. The units had “Star Treck”, a game used to diagnose problems. The company would get this diagnoses free, because I would play for HOURS, unaware that I was the guinea pig. And if I had known, it wouldn’t have made a difference.

I had a wonderful time playing on the computers. When I was pregnant with Devo, while Trey was at school I would go out with Jackie when he worked on the Positalker, those annoying machines that would speak the item and price as it is being scanned.

I would build computer cable with him, or place additional data (via chips) onto the computer boards.
So when Jackie made this suggestion, he followed it up with an idea. Why not try computer graphic firms? I did. I comprised a valuable list of leads. Over 300. The very first firm I called, Achratech, an engineering drafting firm, hired me. It was all the way in LaPorte, almost 80 miles away, but it was a foot in the door.

James was not happy about me leaving Curtain Call, but he graciously understood letting me continue to live in the apartment. The only difference, he could not subsidize, so I would have to pay the full rent. Tracy moved out, Sheryl was as reliable as the cable guy and my rent just went up to $500. In 1986, that is no cheap living.

Thank goodness gas was not as pricey as it is today. So I would rise every morning at around 5 am, thankfully driving against traffic all the way to my new white collar job. I was very lucky to get THAT particular job.
There is a competition in the engineering industry, and all industries that require graphic illustration. The top competitors Cadvance, Intergraph, Microstation and AutoCAD. They were all pretty amazing products, but once you learn one of these software programs, it is hard to move between the three and the people assigned their preferential package took it personal if you didn’t use their personal favorite.  Something like the schools do with our kids.  For so long they have been using Apple computers so when they reached the Job and computer market, Apples investment will pay off.
The main difference was AutoDesk, the makers of AutoCAD marketed it the best. Cadvance and Microstation had locks on their software to keep people from taking a copy home. Stupid. AutoCAD relied on that. They wanted people to take it home, let their kids use it so they will become of those who feel the product they learned was the only one to have.   So they succeeded simply by having a broader spectrum.

Eventually, any company that wanted to compete would fall short if they did not use the program. Shunned by other firms because no one wants to deal with the technicalities of translating. The industry has more drivers affording the use of any program one wants these day.

So there you have it, the reason Achratech was my best choice. But it didn’t end there. Achratech was only paying me $8.50 and I couldn’t survive on that.

I had inundated the market with resume's, and I did this every 6 months until I was forced to retire
The second company on my list, Avery Engineering, had been calling me.   Of all companies, that was the most unlikely. When I called, asking for whomever as in charge of the computer graphics department, a woman, Earline would not give me the info I asked saying instead that they were not hiring and hung up. But I was not to foiled. I sent a resume’ to “Mr. Avery”, utilizing the name of the firm. I went ahead,, followed through and called, taking Earline’s job. Lesson to be learned? Yes, do not let anyone hold you back.

Avery Engineering was a subsidiarie of Cad Cam center, one of the very few AutoDesk training centers at the time. So now my luck doubled. I was in the right industry and now I could learn it at my leisure. My job was to bring in companies that required training. The people from AutoDesk supported it. And I got a nice salary of $22,000 a year. I was exposed to MANY MANY firms. The best of the BPOil industries, Architectural firms, and Consulting Engineers. I have a good phone voice, receiving many compliments on my ability to be trusted.
At this time, Devo had started kindergarten. She is a very intelligent child, reading at 3 and all that, I won’t bore you. She started at Sharpstown Kindergarten with a very aged teacher.

Through the years I have had issues from schools, usually it was my child. Misbehaving, not doing their work, not living up to their talents. You know the chant.

When I received a phone call from Devo’s new teacher, I was ready and the teacher was ready to follow through. Devo was not a very bright child and she felt that Devo needed to be held back. Well that was not going to happen.

I knew this child and I was afraid to let her continue in that school district, so , we moved to Spring, the same little city Debra and I were going to move into. I took her to school the next morning, purposefully leaving out the contention from the prior teacher. I had no more walked into my job when I was told the school called.

Ohooo, they found me out.
“Ms. Lindsey we need to meet about Devo” And there it was, the beginning of a new battle.

To be continued

Music:  ELP/ Closer
If It Seems Too Goo To Be True On YouTube

Some of the names and characters in this blog are fictitious. This is an acount of actual events.  For the few who have given me permission, I thank you.   © Truth has witnesses ©DSL

©   This material is the copyright of  Dianne Schuch Lindsey and cannot be duplicated in any fashion without the express permission of the Author.    All rights reserved

Monday, December 19, 2011

Ces't La Vie

Page 57

Who Knows, Who Cares for me...

“Dianne, it’s over, we cannot see each other anymore”
I begged, cried. I was devastated. But the worst was when she said she wanted to be with Anna. I tried to make her see how irresponsible this all was. Her bringing me blindly into a lifestyle that I could not manage. I know, I know, I was 33 and she was 6 years younger, but she had lived this way ALL her life. She destroyed four families and countless friendships as well as forcing me to give up my company. She was very cavalier about the whole thing.

“You need to go to my parents house and pick up the kids.“ As she turned to head for the door, me sobbing behind her.

I got in my car shaking, crying, barely able to turn the ignition, and the roads were slick as it was raining.

When I got to her parents house, my children were standing in the middle of the street!. Her mother had actually, put them on the street and locked the door. I was furious. And that was the end of the affair. You can do a lot to me, but my kids Oh NOO000oooo.

I was devastated and could not think - rationality and structure were no longer omnipresent But Debra did not give up. For years after this she would leave roses on the hood of my car, put little gifts inside when accessible, and the prerequisite love letters.

James Fowler from Curtain call Magazine could not have been happier
He moved me into one of the ARTS owned apartment as far away from Debra possible. I had a room mate, Tracy Rubio, a dancer, lesbian, and shockingly funny. She shared a room with Devo.
I worked for a while at The Houston Grande Opera. It was a different sort of boiler room. A little pompous in that we were better than the others, or we were to think, because we sold Opera. My second day there, I was seated next to a beautiful and magnetically powerful woman, Maggie. And she spied me as well. I offered to drive her home that night, and another whole new world opened for me. We jumped in my mustang, grabbed a couple of beers and drove all through the city laughing screaming and being obnoxious ending up at her house.

To this day I can see the shadows and lights, palm trees reflecting on the wall and having someone so unlike anyone I had been with. We lay hypnotized by each other’s eyes. It was so slow and calming, tender. Her fingertips dancing ever so lightly along my silhouette, as my hands held on to her arm. I was shaking.
This wasn’t Debra. A far cry.

No this was an honest sincere person. I can see her standing in her doorway, naked. Long and lean, one leg crossed over the other. She was a magical sight. And we loved each other after a time. How could we not? She and I would tear out of our room at the Wortham during the break. Construction was still going on in the theatre, and that is where we went. We knew the best places, we had a map given to us while selling to refrain from selling blind spots. One such occurrence, one of us, I don’t know which one, we seemed to both be of one voice, sang out echoing the main hall and into the lobby as we made love in the loge boxes. We also christened the marble halls and couches of the ladies powder room.

But we couldn’t quite get a meeting of the mind. We are friends to this day, I miss her up there in Canada.
But whomever she is with is a very lucky person.

Our first Friday night, Tracy and I hired a baby sitter and went to Kindred spirits. My first gay outing and I was a wreck before we even got out the door, but Tracy was wonderfully reassuring. Within 15 minutes we were in KS I mentioned to a group of women we had made friends with, that my feet were tired. The tables were more like little individual bars, most having barstools, but it was Friday and gay clubs are packed.

It is a good business to be in. Since I have returned from NH, I was surprised to find a thriving gay male club industry doing better than ever, while the very few gay women’s bars were gone. I know, why not just call them gay clubs open to men and women (which they are), but the women still want to have their own haven.

Before I could end the sentence “Oh my God, my feet are killing me…” a woman appeared with a barstool.
Her name was Cheryl Chevalier. Ironies of ironies, she went to North Shore High School with Debra. They knew each other and every time we would see Debra, (usually at clubs with Anna), Debra and Cheryl acted like Meerkats from different tribes. Circling sneering, silently threatening. Debra made it clear, she hated Cheryl and Cheryl had nothing but contempt for Debra. When she took possession of the chair, she almost started a fight because she pulled the chair out from someone else, but she paid the woman off after explaining why she needed to do this.

It is said that the Gay community on Houston is incestous as one will interplay before many mutual partners in the private community family.

There is a joke in the lesbian community

Q. What does a lesbian bring to her first date” A: a U-Haul

It’s not a joke, it’s a fact.

To be continued

Music: ELP/ C'est La Vie
If It Seems Too Goo To Be True On YouTube

Some of the names and characters in this blog are fictitious. This is an acount of actual events.  For the few who have given me permission, I thank you.   © Truth has witnesses ©DSL

©   This material is the copyright of  Dianne Schuch Lindsey and cannot be duplicated in any fashion without the express permission of the Author.    All rights reserved

Saturday, December 17, 2011

Closer to Believing

Page 56

I LEFT Kenosha with $5000 in hand from my brother’s insurance policy that even today, perplexes me. It may have been 5000 pages from the Greensheet for all I cared.
Before I left Debra was adamant I come back from Kenosha before Christmas. For what? Was she going to come and stay with me? I didn’t even buy a Christmas Tree that year. Jackie bought one and all the kid’s gifts were at his house. Was Anna going to invite me over? Hardly.

No, I’ll take Kenosha for $500 Alex.

But Debra could be persistent, she promised I would not be spending Christmas Alone. So I caved and took a plane under the agreement I would be returning in five days. And I did.
 I was in a semi-coma from all the activities surrounding the funeral of a beloved younger sibling. Debra picked me up from the airport and really, I can admit, I actually knew this was coming, but I was under her spell and not the fully formed adult I am today. Granted I was 33. But I had entered a new dimension where I just may as well have been 13 and just starting a hormonal attack And there was no way to buy back yesterday, I just had to believe and hope..

She could not break free from the many activities Anna had made for Christmas. I wondered if I was even mentioned. Probably NOT, I am certain Anna thought I would be staying in Kenosha for the family.
So when Debra delivered this blow to my already fragile psyche, with her circus mirrors and twisted logic I didn’t even respond.
Which sent her into a terror. Arguments developed over thin air. I am sorry, would have sufficed rather than trying to lay blame. I think of that day and I wonder how I could have continued. But I did. And on the way home one of these arguments ended with her dropping her transmission. And as luck had it, I had $5000 and she accepted it without argument.

It was then that my head started to clear.
After a quiet, evening alone on Christmas, I was to return to work. And I did.
But I wasn’t the same. Leo was concerned, James Fowler, the President of the P.A.S.S. was more so. He made the decision to put me in charge of Curtain Call magazine’s advertising. But not without an admonishment and him making an appointment with a shrink.
James was an extremely flamboyant gay man, and agoraphobic. He had a quick temper and everyone avoided him. But now I was in his grasp, and grasp he did. He pinned me up against his bathroom wall, admonished me for my lack of boundries and self control.

“You need to get that fucking dyke out of your life. There are other gay women, far more reliable and responsible as that bitch."
But still what am I here for? I need to be here with her for without her what am I. She was the reason I continued so near for so long so close but so far away.

Instead I said nothing.

This new position was really a prime position. I met Maria Callas   Itzhak Perlman Plácido Domingo, José Carreras, and Luciano Pavarotti  And some local celebrities, Ben Stevenson from the Houston Ballet,  Ninfa Rodriguez Philanthropist, the owner of Mama Ninfa’s, but she was very involved with the arts and matched that enthusiasm with money.  I went to a parties for Theatre Under the Stars (TUTS) at Carolyn Farb's (First Lady of Philanthropy)  house, one of the first socialites to be famous for being famous. I so wish I had my pictures.
I brushed elbows with    obrianMargaret O'Brien  One of my favorite child film stars, and Edie Adams edie Edie  who was an amazing conversationalist.  We talked about her  husband,  Soupy Sales, soupy one of the inovators of stageplay fun for all ages.
I sold a lot of ads and moved up to graphic design, and finally I was in charge of photo essays replete with Baccarat Crystal and millions of dollars in diamonds. I was a producer finding all these treasures and the company’s that furnished them, who would get ad space free. We had so many jewels in one session, I had a body guard. And Devo was in one of these shoots for a butterfly essay. I actually acquired some beautiful specimens from the Museum of Science. Devo was dressed as a well heeled young lady, long Laura Ashley dress, sun hat and maryjanes. 

Though I didn’t make a lot of money, I could support myself and my kids. I even bought my first car, a 1985 Silver and black Mustang Convertible.

Debra and I continued our illicit affair, but I was seeing her less because of having a car. However, her mother was babysitting Devo and Trey. Debra still offered promises, I still convinced myself it was possible. It was only lip service

The months went by, Debra and I joined a bowling league with another of my co-workers, Sammy Rodriguez, We went camping, We went to San Antonio where we stayed in a hotel with a balcony over the river walk . That’s one thing Debra could do VERY well, spend money. There were times it scared me.
Then on May 5th, 1987, one year to the day of that first kiss, Debra announced she was going to end it with Anna. And I finally felt we were to be. "

 We went to Spring that morning looking for houses. The children were with Debra’s mom.
I was so very elated, it was finally going to happen.

By now, we can pretty much figure, it wasn’t going to happen

Debra dropped me by my apartment to change clothes. We were going to go the Ranch, a popular gay club in Houston. Her mother would keep the children for the night. And Debra was going to tell Anna and end it. I was concerned because Anna had issued her last ultimatum with a gun. And it was that gun that kept Debra with her and denied Debra and I an opportunity to become a couple. The expectations of Anna finding someone else wash pretty thin.

Debra surged through the door to my apartment, and she had a box. It was filled with the little gifts, and letters I had given her over the year.

“Why are you….“ I already knew

To be continued

We want us to be together on Sundays in the rain closer than forever against or with the grain, to ride the storms of love again."

to be continued

Music:  ELP/ Closer

If It Seems Too Goo To Be True On YouTube

Some of the names and characters in this blog are fictitious. This is an acount of actual events.  For the few who have given me permission, I thank you.   © Truth has witnesses ©DSL

©   This material is the copyright of  Dianne Schuch Lindsey and cannot be duplicated in any fashion without the express permission of the Author.    All rights reserved

Monday, December 5, 2011

Beloved Son

Page 55

Stay with me, remain here with me
Watch…And pray

Thanksgiving 1986

I offered to cook thanksgiving dinner for Jackie and the kids. I got a surprising phone call from my brother Mark. He had much to tell me, as I did to him. But the reason he called, he was going home for Christmas and wanted me to join him.

“Are you freakin nuts?” I was incredulous “They treat you like shit and both of us like bookends.

But he was adamant, he was going.

We exchanged stories about our lives. We were on identical planes and he was ready to go home and face them. I told him to have a great time. He closed by saying I would be in Kenosha for Christmas. His determination and conviction were unsettling.

I retired back to my apartment and my scandalous, unsettled life in North Shore.

I continued to work for the arts, causing disruption with my lack of commitment. I felt I made enough money to make my own hours, but it caused dissention in the troops causing our leader Leo Schwartz to call a meeting on December 19, 1986.

“Nothing short of Illness or Death will keep you from coming to work.

So when the afternoon shift ended, Debra came to get me offering to taxi a co-worker to her home. I asked to use the woman’s phone when we arrived and she , of course, was congenial.

I wanted to phone Jackie to watch his children. My throat was hurting and I was starting to get a fever.

“Dianne, Oh my GOD!, your family is trying to reach you”

My father had been sick waiting for a lung transplant and my grandfather had a stroke and was clinging to life…but that is not what came to mind.

“It’s Mark” I whispered

“Oh, then you spoke to them”

I tried to become as small as I could, I have no idea why I knew it was him. I tried to crawl between the woman’s refrigerator and the wall. Her mother immediately became distressed as I fell to my knees. There is something very unreal about loosing a sibling. I guess you could say that of loosing anyone in your immediate family, but loosing a sibling. You shared a womb with that person, there is not going to be anyone closer to your own DNA, not even your child. You loose a part of yourself.
And now I guess I would be going home for Christmas.

Debra drove me back to work. I went in to Leo’s office to beg off the evening shift.

“Leo, I have a strep infection and my brother died”
“I swear Dianne” Leo sneered at me “you will do anything to get out of work.”
So I sat down in my appointed seat and made calls.

I sold more than I ever had before. One set I sold to a Doctor couple. After hearing me rasp and then telling my story, they came to the office with a prescription for Anti-biotics. I remember selling tickets to Carol and Stephen King. I remember that for obvious reasons.

Leo found his way to me about a half hour after I arrived. “Dianne, I am so sorry, Debra told me. You can leave.”

But I stayed. Debra drove me home, Anna called.

This was such a bittersweet time. You see Anna had fallen in love with Mark when she was just a child of 15 years. He broke her heart and took a woman’s most treasured gift. And I think you can take it from there.

Debra did not want Anna to come over because she wanted to stay with me.

As it went, I ended up alone, in the dark, fighting ghosts and memories. I could not believe Debra had actually manipulated me not having company and then turned around and left me alone.

I made plans to fly home. But Debra did not want me to stay until Christmas. I made flight arrangements with the plan of coming home on December 23rd much to my family’s chagrin.

I cannot recall much about those days except getting to Hanson’s funeral home, much like the funeral home in Road to perdition. As a matter of fact, I was convinced when viewing this movie, it was the same funeral home. The weather, the conditions, everything mimicked the filmtmas with me. To be continued

Music:  Shanti Shanti/ Beloved Son/ Watch and Pray
If It Seems Too Goo To Be True On YouTube

Some of the names and characters in this blog are fictitious. This is an acount of actual events.  For the few who have given me permission, I thank you.   © Truth has witnesses ©DSL

©   This material is the copyright of  Dianne Schuch Lindsey and cannot be duplicated in any fashion without the express permission of the Author.    All rights reserve

And that sound, I will never be able to loose that moment. So frightening, so hollow, when my mother cried out like a lioness who lost her cub. It was a sound I shall never want to hear.
And then the curtain opened and Nancy, my best friend, was waiting for me. She had come some 60 miles to be the stalwart friend I truly needed.

I could not look at Mark.

He had gone out surfing that day. He worked for Surf Sushi on Pleasure Point. The weather had been the worst. A man had actually been swiped off a cliff some 700 feet above the shore in San Jose.
Mark couldn’t swim and certainly couldn’t surf. But he went there with his boss from Surf Sushi. From what I am told, he waxed both sides of the board. It slipped out from underneath him, hitting him in the head and he drowned.

He was a comedian and his funeral was the most irreverent.

People had humorous stories and every one was funnier than the last. And surprises revealed when a girl came in laying a lavender rose on him.

“Well, now I know who I have been buying those sterling silver roses for all these years “ My mom whispered.
You see, Mark had been using her credit card every year to purchase these specialized flowers.
My brother Bob and I popped out to the Porte cache to share our grief in private.
After the funeral, the Modriganos had a huge luncheon at St. Mark’s. We then went to the family home where our parents disclosed that we would all be getting a sum of money from Mark’s Insurance policy.

My family was highly distressed that I was not staying for Christmas, but I had promised Debra, and so we said our goodbyes, tears and hugs, I went back to Houston.

Debra picked me up at the Airport.

She then told me she could not spend Christmas with me.
To be continued