Friday, September 2, 2011

The Way Home

Page 23

Somehow I'll Find my way Home
 Am I so lost in my sin?  Where did I fall? I can't tell you when.



The children were tucked away safely in their grandma and grandpa's car, while Anna and I accompanied Debra. There was only room for us in the cab, no back seat in trucks at that time.

The entire trip my bare thigh was against Debra's, ... and Anna's. I could not understand why Debra did not feel even a modicum of guilt. Anna chattered away next to us, happy in the day, always delighted to have me with. My affections were torn. I loved so many people at that time. I will always love my children, Anna, and Lee. (Let’s just leave Jack out of this)

Music played, Anna and Debra exchanged banter while I was trying to piece together what happened this weekend, what was happening at that moment and what was going to come.


Jackie was on a plane to Chicago and much to Debra's delight. She had another 2 weeks to perform her magic.

This was no longer a minor dalliance. This was a full-blown trip to another planet, no turning back. Debra had no intention of giving any of this up. I watched Anna's face animate with the funny stories she told of days past. Stories I would have delighted in. But they seemed like tales of another person's life. Not mine; I was not that person Anna regarded so highly.

The following weeks were fraught with tears, arguments, determination to stop, inability to do so.

The children were unaware as Debra had her ways with them, taking them where they wanted, giving in to their every wish. And Anna too happy to accommodate.

I spent this time in deep self evaluation. I had to stop sitting on the fence. Everyday was one more period of fear, excitement, and deception.
  
One evening while Debra were about running errands I tried to convince her to go back to the house since Anna was not at home.  I was now in the position of a yearning temptress, wanting her to be with me and in me always. When she talked to me I felt safe, when she touched me I felt loved and when she loved me I felt powerless.

We were stopped at a train crossing on Richmond, close to Kindred Spirits, a gay club in Houston. The train crawled by so slowly, she became irritated. At that point, I realized something was in the works. Usually these interludes were stolen moments for us to take advantage. She was not receptive and I was immediately suspicious. The train finally came to an end, when another started from the other direction.

"JESUS CHRIST!!" Debra was exasperated.
"What's wrong?" I asked, "We aren't in any great hurry to get anywhere!"
"Yes we are." I glanced over and she had a slight grin.
Ok, Debra, what's up?" 
"I don't want to spoil it" She smiled at me.


To be continued


Music
Jon and Vangelis/I'll Find my way home

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