Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Say Nothing.

Page 35
Sometimes Less is more…

“Anna left to go see Dian”

I said nothing.

Debra knelt down next to the tub. She took off her rings and put them on the counter next to the sink, then turned to me, taking the soap and lathering the bath sponge I had on the ledge.

She silently, slowly ran the sponge over my back. She took a plastic cup that we kept with razors, grooming tools and the like, emptied the contents.

“Put your head back”
I tilted my head as I was told. My eyes were filled with tears until I was sobbing. Debra took the water and poured it over my head, then took the shampoo filling her hand. She ran her fingers through my hair pulling it to a pile atop my head and massaged the liquid, warm and soothing through my scalp. She bathed me like a child.

I said nothing

“She left for Austin” Debra started the water, filling the cup and pouring it over my head, as I stared at the ceiling.

My eyes caught hers and I could see her pain. But I had no empathy. I was not certain where it came from, that pain, but it really didn’t matter. She had left me to agonize over the last two hours. What she needed or wanted were of no concern to me. And she knew it.

Yet… I said nothing.

She pulled me up, turned me to the wall as she resumed. She ran the sponge down the small of my back, moving to the inside of my legs. She stood up before I could turn around wrapping her right arm around my waist, her laeft hand pulling my back tight against her chest. She gently kissed me on the neck. I tried to reject her maneuvers, unsuccessfully. And she knew, she could do or say anything she wished. It was her party, I was the guest.

“I am sorry, I know this was not how I expected to feel” she whispered into my ear and ran her mouth down the side of my face to my shoulder.
I turned with enough force to cause her to fall back against the counter.
“You didn’t know how you expected to feel? “

I reached down, grabbed a towel, she tried to take it from but I snapped it loose from her grip and put it around me, covering up as much as possible.

“Really?” I stormed out of the bathroom, “You have the fucking audacity to say that to me? Do you know what you have done I have done? WE HAVE DONE?”

I was crying so hard, I started to hiccup, much as a young child having a fit of temper.

“I have lost everything; you were the only thing I wanted, nothing else. I gave up everything. For this?” My arm swept through the air pointing out the meager surroundings I now called home.

"You are the only one not affected by this. Your life is no different, ...oh except for the fact that you now have a harem!"

She grabbed my arm, hard enough to leave an indentation. I stared down at her hand, waiting for her to remove it, but she would not.

“Come in the bedroom, I don’t want to wake up Devo.”
“Fine, but just to talk, that’s it” Who the hell was I fooling?

She launched into an hour-long explanation of why she acted the way she did. She did not like Dian and didn’t want Anna to be with her Dian was not the right one for her. Debra and Anna had a history and she wasn’t prepared for such a quick exit. She needed time. More like her frickin ego got tarnished.

And I said nothing.

What insanity had I reached; This woman was a child; Totally uneducated about what a marriage is, what a damn promise; And I had chosen to change my life and lifestyle to be with such a person.

I left the room to go to my own; I grabbed an oversized T-shirt, pulling it over my head, climbed into bed, throwing the covers over my shoulders after turning out the light.

It couldn’t have been a full minute before I was lifted out and slung over her shoulders. She grappled with door handles, shirts getting stuck in the door casings, etc. It was very slapstick, I actually laughed at one point.

Betraying myself.

She dropped me on the bed, quickly closing the door. Her jeans and t-shirt were off in record time, she climbed into bed.

“Debra, what if Anna comes back?” I was still concerned about Anna, I shouldn’t have cared, but I did.
“Fuck her, she’ll get over it!”; Yeah, right ...Anna must have really convinced her she was not coming back any time soon.

The wind howled outside, I became concerned about Anna’s trip, but that soon washed away with the storm and I was once again lost in the hopes and dreams that were Debra.

The lightning washed brightly over Debra’s face as she held me, her arms under my shoulders, I buried myself in her. It always felt safe there; I was free to be the person who was no longer a part or parcel behind social norms and deafening parochial imperatives.

The storm did not let up.

Nor did Debra.

acacacacacacacTo be continued...cacacacacacaac

Moody Blues/Sometimes less is more.
Big Love/Fleetwood Mac

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