The door handle jiggled, I stood frozen. Then a knock. It startled me.
I went to open the door and just as I cracked it, I was pushed back. Debra came through closing the door quickly, the room was dark. She enveloped me, the heat of her breath on my skin. She moved to distract me, but I was not gong to be ignored.
‘Debra, this is NOT a good idea”
“I knew it!" she pulled back "I knew something was wrong. You're ending this aren't you? Why?”
"Debra, why do you automatically assumelike this? I was lying, yes, I was reconsidering. Yet here she was ready to intercept any doubt.
"I am going to take care of you. you will never have anything to worry abouyt. You are going to be so happy." she whispered,
"And when this is all over and we can settle into our new adventure, together, I am not so certain you will enjoy it as much” I was defeated “This is all too exciting to give up." I continued, “I feel that once this friction of deceit is replaced by the ordinary life of a household and the hectic everyday parenting that comes with it .... “
My words were trailed and were already lost on her, but I wanted her to know how I truly felt.
“How do I know you won’t tire of me and move on to a more exciting life?"
I truly meant this. A cheater always cheats.
“How do I know you won’t” She dropped her hands and just stared at me, and kept staring. She reached up to push her hair back, and then took me by the shoulders “Dianne, "
“How do I know you won’t?” She repeated. “Do you really think I just do this with anyone?”
So much taller and larger than I, I fell into her and disappeared. I became frantic.
“Debra, please Jack is across the hall!”
Am I misreading? She seemed to delight in this. The danger made it more appealing I am sure. Otherwise why would she steal me away when we were so close to other’s who would most certainly suffer terribly.
What kind of people were we? What kind of person am I?
What makes a person so depraved and non- accountable?
My days were AS disorganized as my mind. I went through the motions, in a constant hypnotic state. Fearful, excited, anxious.
But not then, not at that moment, not that day.
Once upon a time I was falling in love, but now I'm onlt falling apart
But now I 'm only falling apart
Music Bonnie Tyler/ Total eclipse of the heart