Thursday, September 8, 2011

Better Be Home Soon

Page 29

Tearing Down the cloak of Lies and Deception

I am a happily, well may be NOT happily, but I am a married woman.  The idea of trading this life for another should have been out of the question.  I tried to stop this havoc from proceeding in my life. 
But then, what I truly wanted and felt was too hard to ignore.  I needed to stop this, yet once again.
"Debra, I cannot forsee happiness with what we are doing."

“What? Are you unhappy? With me? What, are you telling me you don’t love me?” Her voice rising with each question. Not letting me get a word in. “Don’t you love me?”

“Debra, this has nothing to do with love.” I explained, “This is about common sense and you know, as I know, it is not going to happen. I cannot fathom just moving out of here, living with you and Anna and no-one will care, or stop us”

“Why not? I'm telling you, Anna is going to find someone else. She is always talking about that Dian girl” she flicked the cigarette and stood up gaining physical control of the conversation”

I stood up as well, I may not be as tall as her, but I certainly was not going to sit there and let her tower over me while dictating my life. I was on to that maneuver. I, myself, had performed this trick many times in my life.

“Debra, we cannot sit around and expect Anna to find someone else. And Jackie, do you think he is just going to lie down and take it?”

“I cannot think about you and him” Debra had this way of milling around a topic and moving into a new arena, so one could not get their point understood. But I wasn’t going to be deterred.

“Debra, don’t think about it then. The bottom line is, I have children who will suffer from this..”

“The kids are suffering! That’s bullshit, the kids are happy, so don’t even say that.”

Oce again she strayed form the key issue, attacking the incidentals.

“Please, Debra, listen to me, this is not about the kids being happy now, it is about their future..”

“You know I won’t do anything to hurt their future. Can you say that Jackie is such a great person that he will five them such a great future?” Debra started pacing, then stopped cold.

“Well, as a matter of fact, yes, he can” I answered.

“BULLSHIT” she screamed and got up,resumed her tyrannical packing. “Wash that cup, it’s filthy, how long has it been there?”

I took the cup to the bathroom sink and washed it, only to have her flick ashes in it when I returned.

“Debra, please stop and talk to me.”

I took her hands and gently pulled her into bedroom. I sat on the bed, she sat next to me. I looked at her for the first time, in a state of panic. Yet she could move me no matter. She pulled my face to her and kissed my forehead and my lips. It wasn’t the passionate kiss, but the touch of tenderness I had known before this all began.
I explained to her, with many interruptions, that this was a societal problem as well as ethical and moral issues with the families. Yes, her family knew and accepted it. She felt that that should be enough, if her family was okay with it, then why should anyone or anything else matter. She went on to explain her convictions about Anna finding someone else and approving of what we did. It was ludicrous. Even if Anna were to find someone, or be re-united with Dian, we still had betrayed her trust. And how about Jackie? Did she really think he was going to sit still for this?
“Debra, what exactly are you proposing?”

“What do you mean?” she acted stunned “You know what I am saying, you and I are going to be together for the rest of our lives. If I let you stay here while this is all resolved, you will certainly change your mind and forget me”
Now why would someone want to be with another person if the feelings they have for each other were easily breached? Debra must have known that you cannot make someone love you. I guess she felt that all you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

“Debra, if I were that easily turned, why should you bother?” I continued “Like you said, we have the rest of our lives, can’t you see that? We should stay in our respective places and do this the right way, though I fail to see any right way.”

She was determined, I was weakening. In truth, I wanted to be with her, I actually relished the thought of telling others that the great heterosexual coquette was no more and that a woman had been the prize winner. But, there were practical matters to contend with. The children. She was convinced she had that settled and I should have no questions.

“Okay Debra, are you going to take responsibility when this all comes to light?”

“What do you think I am Dianne? Do you really think I would allow you to be hurt in any way?”

The Debra I knew, would not have allowed anyone to be hurt. This Debra was acting and speaking out of passion, lust. Though she denied it. She continued to tell me how much she loved me and the children.

“Are you going to be there for me when everything explodes?” I asked “Are you going to be there to pick up the pieces? “

I won’t have anyone else. I will be the one everyone blames. I pretty much have that responsibility anyhow, no matter what or who started anything, I will be the fall guy. But in the past, I have at least been left with family, friends, irritated maybe, but not forsaken.

“Dianne, I will be here for you. That is what I am saying, I will never leave you. I promised before, I am promising you now.”

“Are you going to take responsibility for this change in my lifestyle?”

“I already have, haven’t I?” Debra stood up, taking my hand in hers to the bottom of the stairs. “Are you guys getting your stuff together”

“Yes Debra” They said in unison.

So this is it. What now? I let her pack the rest f my stuff as I helped the children gather theirs. I felt both afraid and excited. Debra said we were not going to confess to anything yet, we were just going to get me out of there. She said Jackie’s recent betrayal of stealing money from my company would be excuse enough.

She took everything we had put into the boxes into the bed of her truck. I reluctantly followed and climbed into the passenger seat. The kids were sitting between us, ready for this new adventure. Anna was aware of this transition Debra had decided for me and Anna was waiting for word on the other end.

Jackie would be returning to an empty house, no longer a husband and barely a father.

After everything he had done to me, I still could not reconcile this. But I wanted to be loved unconditionally, without pain, without threats of violence, without concern about where the person who is suppose to care about me and his family, is at any time. I wanted to be more important than drinking buddies and pot. I wanted to be the center of someone else’s life instead of someone else being the center of mine. I have lived so many years waiting to matter unequivocally to another

He would sit and wait …and wait…
... and wait


 
 
 

Music: Crowded House/Better be home soon
© This material is the copyright Dianne Schuch Lindsey and cannot be duplicated in any fashion without the express permission of the Author. All rights reserved

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