Monday, September 12, 2011

Some Words Should Never be Said

Page 33

I sat alone in the bedroom I had been sharing at Debra and Anna’s house. Devo was asleep after an unusually long crying spell caused by Debra loosing conception of thought, banging the poor child’s head into the doorframe.After Debra came to her senses, she picked her up cradling her and giving her everything she had in her pockets. The $5 bill did the trick.

Anna and Debra were in the next room, their voices rising, then falling to indistinguishing whispers. I was in a stupor, trying to disseminate what just happened. Anna had literally played into our scheme. I would think Debra would be relieved that we could get on with our lives together. But, instead, she is acting like a woman scorned.
And here I sit. I left my husband, uprooted my children. My company was gone, all that was left was informing my customers. And family. And Jackie.

My emotional status was precarious at best. The last 6 weeks had changed me and everything around me. I was deeply in love with this woman. Morality evaded me. I was part of something so hugely conflicting.

No one had been so devoted to me and my children. She did everything for me. I lacked for nothing. If I wanted it, she got it. She cooked for me, washed my cloths, even picked them out and ironed them ... and kept me safe under her wing. I was confident she was the person I was waiting for.  My worst day being gay was better than my best day being straight. I woke in the morning to her kisses and went to sleep with her whispers.

But the ground suddenly broke beneath my feet and all was not well with the world.
In Debra’s promise was the certainty of she and I starting a life without secrets. Once Anna had found someone new, we could declare our love, without consternation from Anna. We were up against the fight of our life, better to have at least one person in our court.

Finally, that day came and I was forced to face the reality that is “habit and history”. But now it was too late. I was too far gone and now it would be my turn to convince and cajole. I had no idea how to do this. I never had that task when playing the dating game.

As I sat hearing, but not really listening to Debra and Anna, the disillusion only turned into fear and spite.
I could no longer think of Anna as my beloved sister, but as a true threat.
But what the hell was with Debra!!!! I would not face the verity of the situation. The obvious was her desire to be with Anna and have me as well. And that was not going to happen. PERIOD.

I could feel my entire being transform into some otherworldly beast. I sat on the bed shuddering.   Breathing became a chore.

I need to get away from those voices. I went into the bathroom and started a bath. I stripped off my shirt and shorts, walked out to the kitchen, not mindful of my partial nudity. The kids were asleep, Debra and Anna were otherwise occupied.

I peered into the refrigerator, looking for anything alcoholic… And found it. I poured myself a glass of the Riesling, probably aged several years. It tasted bitter, but my intent was not for the pleasure of the taste, but the numbness it afforded.

The bedroom door opened.
To be continued

Music:Cindy Lauper/I can't Breathe

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