All is finished
"Tout es fini"
All the things in your life can be defined in one single moment.
And most likely, you won’t particularly like that moment.
The night had already presented itself to be long since I was not with the one I loved. It helped not that I had made the call to my love and found distress and a probability that none of our lives would be as they were.
After a tangle with a gas pump, where an explosion certainly looked impending, followed by a brush with the law and a police officer brought to his knees by a woman’s tears, all that was left was the confrontation I could have avoided, but flew into headlong.
I walked down the hallway, seeming like a 10-foot corridor, my legs feeling the weight of cement enclosing, as I tried to make my way to the back of the house. In fact; it was a small walk of only a few feet. Anna’s elderly dog, Bo was walking with as much anticipation as I. My hand pressed against his back as I pet him.
The house was so still, you would have thought it was empty, but the slow emergence of the barrel of a gun proved me wrong.
Anna followed the weapon and things started to move quickly. Anna had reached a fork in the road, and she was going to use that fork on me.
“Welcome home Dianne” Anna raised the gun level with my eyes “Or should I say, welcome to anything BUT your home”
I was paralyzed as I watched Debra reach for Anna’s hand.
My brother, who had been a police officer in Kenosha Wisconsin in the 70’s told me that if a woman had a gun, and it was loaded and aimed, the likelihood of that gun being used had a higher percentage than not.
“Anna, where did you get the gun?” I have no idea why that was my first question, or first remark of any kind.
“Dianne, I told you not to come home” Anna snatched her wrist away from Debra, Debra chose to back off.
“You what?” This only provoked more anger from Anna. “You two have spoken? Debra, did I not tell you if you spoke to her again I would kill you both?”
“Anna, I can only say I am sorry, the words sound shallow, and I am guilty,” Though we had not discussed her need to have a weapon, I doubt if she had a gun on me for not taking out the trash.
“Sorry?” she took her left hand and steadied it over the right holding the gun in perfect aim.
All I could think of was where and when did she buy a gun? Does she know how to use it? Why didn’t anyone mention this to me? She often talked of wanting to learn how to use a gun, but wanting to do something and knowing how are two different things. And at that time restraint was not a word in Anna’s vocabulary. I had faith that she wouldn’t use this, at least not with the kids around (or were they?). But as Bartok Kinski said, "A casual stroll through the lunatic asylum shows that faith does not prove anything."
"What exactly are you sorry for?” Anna continued, gun still cocked, in spite of its apparent weight. “For ruining my life? Your kid’s life? Don’t get me wrong, sleeping with a woman is of no consequence, as a matter of fact, it is the only good decision you made. But having to bury their mother for cheating will certainly change their outlook on life”
And on that she turned and went in the bedroom. She probably forgot the bullets. Debra caught my eye. She had a look of both terror and defeat. It would be futile for me to say anything. And based on the recent events, best to say nothing. I was shaking uncontrollably.
Anna appeared in the doorway of the bedroom, her hand devoid of a gun, replaced with the phone.
“Here, you need to make a phone call; you’re going to need a pl
ace to stay”
“So…you’re not going to shoot me?” As stupid as that sounded, I was looking forward to a bullet in my head.
Far more comfortable than what my husband, his family, my family were going to do.
I took the phone from her and put it down. I had a million questions, and I needed them answered. The most apparent, the question I couldn’t ask is what Debra was going to do now. Would we have our life together? As one-dimensional as that sounds, I was afraid of loosing what I had with her. It had changed, and now Anna knew. Most certainly Anna was not going to want to stay with her. But on that account I was so incorrect. If for no other reason, she was going to keep Debra out of spite.
Anna sat down at the table and proceeded to relay the story of going to Cynthia and Sabrina’s and them telling her about our indiscretion. Since Cynthia and Sabrina had no other information except the fact that it happened, I was as much to blame as Debra in all the partys eyes.
I wanted to explain to her about how I fought this with my entire being, about Debra’s relentless pursuit, her promises, my fear and ultimate surrender. But I didn’t. I was afraid if I did so, Debra would not want me. Never mind that a husband, religion, my staunch conservative family never impeded this development.
And really, in the end, I still did it.
“You could have anyone you want Dianne, WHY Debra”
She certainly should know back stabbing was not approved of in my family, but it was rewarded. I sat in my uncomfortable kitchen chair, oblivious to the fact one leg was creaking and could probably be kicked out beneath me. “You know, my brother is a fuck up. I could give a shit about him, but Debra? C’mon Dianne, she is the furthest person I would have expected you to be with, whether I was with her or not.”
She picked up the receiver to the phone, and again, handed it to me.
And now the fun starts
I dialed the phone to my house in Champions. I was grateful Anna gave me this option instead of taking it upon herself.
“Jackie” I was sobbing “Jackie, I need to tell you something…”
acacacacacacTo be continued...cacacacacacaac
Updates every Wednesday and Friday.Music: Alexandra Roos Tout es Fini (All is finished
Artwork: Mandala Linework/Dover, Artistic application: Dianne Lindsey
© This material is the copyright Dianne Schuch Lindsey and cannot be duplicated in any fashion without the express permission of the Author. All rights reserved