Monday, August 8, 2011

The Other Side of Life

Let's Investigate the Miracles
A life not lived, appropriately.   Page 11
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I experienced the other side of life ...
... it was darker and more dangerous than I could ever have imagined.

She jumped up, but instead of grabbing her cloths and running out the door, she walked to the bathroom to take a shower. She took me along.

“Debra, Anna is going to be furious” I pondered.
“Don’t worry, my family will cover for me” she demurred washed me…everywhere.
“Debra, I have to tell you” I started. Then I paused and reworked what she said about her family covering for her.
“Debra, did you say your family will cover for you?” I was incensed. Was this a regular thing for her?

This was serious in so many ways, one really could not count. I was going to loose everything if this got out. And I may very well loose my children.”

If this was a fling, I needed to know. I needed to stop it.

But she reads my mind I kid you not.

“What’s wrong?” she laughed, “No, I do not do this as a rule”
“That’s not what I meant” I lied “do they know about me?”
"Yes, I had to be honest”
“WHAT? You had to be honest? I don’t think I am ready to bring this to the surface” I pleaded “You don’t know my family, well ok you know my sister, but this is going to be a mess!”
I was having a role over “and another thing” fit of verbal diarrhea

“Jack is going to kill you, Jack Sr. is going to kill me, and my family is going to kill us all. We might as well call Jerry Springer and get some cash to live on while we are in hiding someplace 10 floors beneath the earth.”

I grabbed a towel; she took it from me and toweled me off as if I were a 2 year old. I stood there with my arms crossed tapping my feet and pretending her caresses were not felt. But that gave in to a sexual meltdown and back to bed again.

The phone rang. It was Anna

 “Hi, Debra has not gotten back, she is with her brothers at the hunting blind” she sounded calm, I think.
“Debra and I were going to measure the 3100 Wesleyan building” she added, “It needs two people”

Debra had picked up the general mood of the phone call and had written something down. She was flagging it in front of my face as I shooed her away.

“Knock it off” I whispered
“Knock what off?” Anna asked
“No I wasn’t talking to you” I obviously was not thinking straight.
“Who were you talking to?
“The dog” I let out a deep breath “He’s such a pain first thing in the morning.”

There sat Judas, my full-grown white German shepherd who seemed to be able to communicate in human. He had his head cocked and his eyebrows furrowed. He stared at me, and I know this is hard to believe, but he slowly turned his gaze to Debra, made a whiny growl and left the room. Poor guy. Glad he can’t talk. However, he may be able to write, so I was not leaving any pens, pencils nor paper for him to practice.

“Have Debra call me, she and I will measure the building” I offered “take care of the blinds at 4151, that is going to be part of my epitaph if we don’t take care of it.

I put on Debra’s T-shirt which fit my still lean and muscled body like a dress, I turned around to look at her and she was lying on the bed casually giving me the once over. She did one thing that always made me feel like I was the only woman in the world. She would shake her head and under her breath “mmm mmm”

“They day is continuing whether we want it to or not Debra”

Accountability was becoming a vague virtue replaced by instant gratification and the sex demon.

Anna had already begun her day 50 miles away. And she was coming to get the kids since I left my vehicle at their house. She and Debra drove me home. Anna promised the kids she would take them to WaterWorld. Debra actually stood there and debated whether to spend the day with me, or spend it at WaterWorld. She then made it clear that she meant to include me. I told her I had work to do. She slapped mme on the back like a good ol' boy, almost hitting me into the doorjamb.

She wasn't kidding.

She left through the terrace so as not to alarm the kids and ran to McDonalds while I waited for Anna.

Very uncomfortable, very uncomfortable, indeed.

Anna came by about 20 minutes after Debra. She walked in the door as the kids desended the stairs, swimsuits on and Devo carrying a bucket, for what, I don't know. Trey laughed at her.

"There's no sand there you idot!"
"Do you want to stay home?" yelled Anna.

Before she demanded he do it, "I'm sorry Devo" Very "sing songy", but he did it nonethe less.

She went in the kitchen and drank juice out of the container, just like her brother. I didn't care, I just didn't want the kids to see.  Anna could od whatever she wanted.  "Here is a razor" I thought "have at it, rip up my clothes so we can both feel better.

She laughed as the juice ran down her gin, wiping it off "Sorry" And then she came to me and hugged me. "Shit, You smell like Debra"

I gasped, she didn't notice.
"All your clothes probably smell that way after hanging with us for a week:.
Try 10 days, but who is counting?
"Did you see Debra?" I faked it, but I could feel "LIAR" "CHEAT" written across my forehead.
"I told you on the phone, she's probably still at the blind wwith her folks. "She may be home" she said as she picked up the phone. I saw my keys, the keys I gave to Anna on the counter. Before I could get them she picked them up, dangled them in her hands, shoved them in her pocket as she dialed the phone. FUCK!! She said nothing.

I went to get the keys, but they were already safely buried.
"I'm sorry" she said "Do you need these?"
"No, I don't think so" I answered.
"I put these here when I let you in yesterday" she took them out and clipped them to her already full keychain. She must have every key she's ever been given or had made.

I lucked out 2-0, but my luck would soon be running thin. Everything pointed to a terrible Dianne.

"Debra didn't answer" she said, "keep trying her and tell her I left with the kids and you are going with her to measure the space."  HMMM, that's odd, where can she be?

With that she and the kids were off, everyone kissing me. Anna should've slapped me. Don't worry, if I could've kicked my own ass I would've.

Debra must have been standing sentry down the street because she wasted no time coming in the back door. As she came in,
Trey ran in the front door, Debra turned tail out the back. Doors were slamming. I was in shock.

"Hey Deb, I was just calling you" Anna yelled as Debra was quietly closing the back door to the garage.

I just sighed let out a gasp and shut my eyes as I put my head in my hands, leaning on the counter.

Debra shifted in the room, smiling that Cheshire Cat grin.
“you all going to WaterWorld without me“ she furtively asked.
The kids looked at her like she was crazy. She and I stole glances back and forth, then to the kids.
Trey was first “You knew we were going” Oh MY GOD.
“Yeah Auntie Debra” Devo piped in “You knew. We talked about it yesterday”

Again I let out a breath. I was going to be in total cardiac arrest … soon.

I pondered the situation. Thought it through. If this situation, this exchange occurred between…let’s say Jackie and Debra or

Anna and my father, most unlikely of couples, no one would think anything was a miss.

Anna was anxious to get out the door. “Did you get my note, you must have, you’re here.”
“Yeah” Debra offered. “We are going to measure Weslayan”
The children came tumbling over each other, down the stairs. They apparently forgot towels. “OKBY and again, she was off.

Debra let out a deep breath. “I‘m smoking in the house“ she snapped “Does Bill have any pot?”

I knew she was joking. I had not smoked weed for weeks. The first time in a long time. I also was on Xanax, and threw it out, about 40 pills, because she demanded a drug-free lifestyle.

Mary Schubert, a nurse and lifelong friend was troubled by this action and told me, long distance from Chicago that I was going to have seizures. Never happened.

“You want some?” I asked, jokingly, but maybe not. “I could use a hit”

I headed towards the bedroom.

She ran from the living room and tackled me like I was a football, both of us crashing against the side of the bed and then on the floor. We laughed, but we knew.

“you know I don’t smoke that crap”
“Debra, that was close” I sighed “my heart can’t take this”
“Why are you acting so guilty” She actually asked me that? “No one knows, I have been to your house plenty without Anna knowing.

She was right, but it still looked bad, because it was bad.

But she soon took my mind off it.

We must have taken 10 showers that day. We would get started, at one time, fully dressed, equipment in hand and again, on the couch, the floor, dining room. Not the kids room. I had to draw the line somewhere. 

We showered again and left for the house. Debra decided we would go directly to the turnkey site on Wesleyan.

We first stopped for breakfast at House of Pies and there I would find myself propelled to the dissolute role of “mistress”.
sn’t it a wonder that people will act guilty in some of the most apparent ways?  For instance, Debra and I had gone out together prior to this. We would be comfortable seeing folks we knew, even “church” people. Now that we have had this wicked liaison, we had a different mindset. That hemming and hawing when an associate walks to your table. Feeling the heat rise from your chest to the top of your head and “just knowing”, everyone in the place would discover your lapse in judgment.

Debra took this for shame.
“Are you uncomfortable?” she asked
“Well, this is my debut as a lesbian” I said that word under my breath
“You better get used to that word” she explained, “This is your life now”
“NO!” I gasped, “I am not a lesbian. I just love one woman”

She sat back and folded her arms. I felt horrible for saying such a thing. It came out wrong, well, not wrong, but definitely not right.

“I am sorry, so sorry, but that is how I feel”
“Say that again,” she ordered.
“What? That I’m not a lesbian?” I asked
 “Keep going, say it all,” she demanded

I just love one woman” and there it was. I did not mean to say that, at least not yet. But it was out in the open.

All around us, people carried on with their lives. Occasionally someone would steal a glance, but nothing to overt. There were and always would be a few who would let that stare linger longer than was polite.

Debra had always garnered attention in public. She had dyke written across her head and to someone who did not know her, she could be very forbidding. Lesbianism was not in vogue then that it is now. And it is Texas. AT that time homosexuality was a crime. You could be fired for being gay. These interlopers felt they had the right to take as much in as they liked and to cast judgment with their gawking. In the past, there were several times where I put space in between us so that people would not associate me with that depravity. Now I was beginning to crave the shock and awe.

I called Debra my “Rambo Patch” doll.

While at the restaurant, friends of Debra’s came in. I knew these people, but only in passing. Debra rose and there was “hey what’s going’ on” and backslapping, and reintroductions. Then the vibe…. That little drop in the sound or syllable. I would find out that Debra had this love convergence planned for some time and had relayed that to a few confidants.

Debra had a reputation for being attracted to “straight “women. Much like the young husband wants to be the “first” forthvirginal woman; Debra wanted to be the first. She wanted that honor and when she set her sites, nothing and no one could get in her way.

I found out about this history months later, well after the fact. Had known, would I have followed through? Perhaps not, maybe I would have been with Anna, or one of their friends.

However, when this affair started, everything in my life made sense. I no longer had that feeling of despair. Grasping for sexual favors from my husband with no gratification and not knowing why. I was comfortable with myself, pleased in fact.

There were monsters on the other side. First and foremost, my children. They were my life. My father-in-law was one nasty dude and it would not take much for him to swoop in and grab them. Much like that eagle carrying your kitty out of harms way. Then there was Anna. What the hell did she do to deserve this? Confide in me about another lover? Complain about the existing one? These were just convenient excuses for me to do the inexcusable. This thing is the feces when shame eats too much stupidity.

There is a tradeoff for those lesbians with recruiting dreams and that is responsibility. You cannot take someone, turn his or her life upside down, and then walk away. Straight or Gay, these two lifestyles are different and that is an understatement.

I sat across from Debra and reached my hand to get a napkin. She covered my hand with hers and the world stopped, everything was still. This would my first public show of affection. But should it be? Public? I did not pull away.

We left the restaurant after Debra made a quick call to the house to see if Anna had returned.

We then headed to 3100 Wesleyan to measure the windows in the top floor suites. The floor was empty except for the beautiful pearl gray carpet. The view was awesome. We diligently measured the windows, making careful notes, rigid numbering, anything to avoid the sexual tension that betrayed us.

You ripple like a river when I touch you
                   I pluck your body like a string
This continued for an hour or so.
I had a taste of the real world
When I went down on you girl

This continued for an hour or so.  That pearl gray carpeting was soft. And it ended up in Debra’s parent’s house.

To be continued...

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