Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Making Love out of Nothing

A life not lived, appropriately.   Page 15
And the Thunder Rolls

Things were getting intense and there was absolutely no wiggle room. If I had any intention of exploring my heterosexuality, Debra would intervene, no hesitation or reservation.

On one hand, she knew more about this lifestyle than I. Of course there is really nothing to know, but it did seem women were far more demanding then men when it came to these things. I figured it MUST be the lifestyle. Women weren't demanding as a rule. At any moment, I could do an about face and she was going to undermine anything Jack would have in his favor. I reflected back to the last few months, recalling Debra’s obvious distain over the way Jack would talk to me, order me. I thought it was a “lesbian” thing. Not liking men and all that. Now in hindsight I see it was much more.

I arrived at the baggage gate just as Jack came out.

“I thought you weren’t going to make it” he commented “I figured you were still sore about the financial booboo”

“Booboo?” “really “ I was incredulous! “This isn’t a video game where you can shoot someone and get your money back!”

“Dianne, what exactly do you want me to do?” he inquired “I got a job”

”Jack, it is so much more than that” and then I was on a roll.

“It’s the years of you not coming home for days, disappearing on Friday’s with your paycheck and making it home with half” I was incensed! “It’s the cruelty in the way you treat me in front of others, calling me an idiot, ordering me about.”

He stared straight ahead

“And lets review the hospital trips” I continued “too many to count. As an expectant father, throwing his child’s crib clear across the room?”
Another love grows cold on a sleepless night

I was on a role. This was a cleansing for me. I never had the bravado before Debra. There was nothing more he could do to me.

And THAT was Debra’s gift to me. Courage.

When we got home very little was said. As I got into bed, he crawled in next to me, trying to hold me. We had a highly charged sex life. Hell, he probably thought it was his callousness that stirred me. But it was in spite of that. We always slept close, but not as close as Debra and I the one night we spent.

I turned to him and started to speak, “Jack, I have something…”

“Dianne, I was afraid to tell you” he began “I need to tell you something. I have to go back to Chicago another two weeks”

BRAVO, can you hear the audience clapping?

“Jack, I could give a shit”

He jumped up, turned on the lamp on his bedside table. “Dianne, please, you aren’t going to leave?”

After 10 years of the most merciless emotional and physical abuse, all it took was one woman, one redneck dyke, to put me back together .

“Dianne I have never cheated on you”

If he had ONLY done that, we would’ve been better off.

“Please, I love you, I always will. There is nothing I can’t do when I am with you” he continued, “I could never love anyone as much as you, you cannot tell me it’s over, like that!” he snapped his fingers.

Jack, it’s late. Anna and Debra are coming over tomorrow to pick up the kids and me.” I said.

He seemed relieved. “Okay, Anna I need to talk”.

Well good luck with that sport.

Not quite.

We both finally fell off to sleep. It seemed like I was only dreaming for five minutes when I heard a not so light tapping on the front door. I jumped up, I had a t-shirt on and didn’t think twice about heading to the door.

The kids were already up, eating cereal, watching TV. Debra crept in front of Anna, giving me sideway glare, looking at the t-shirt like it was a lace teddy. I don't doubt that she expected me to be completely covered when in bed with Jack. Hell, she probably expected me to sleep with Devo upstairs. The couch would have been too close. She wasn't happy that we weren't ready. All I had to do was put on a swimsuit, same with the kids.

Devo squeeled with delight. She ran into Debra’s arms, this sturdy 3 year-old was like a basket of feathers as Debra grabbed her and tossed her in the air. Trey was nipping on Devo’s heels with Judas barking and jumping like he was one of the kids.

They clamored upstairs, Debra following and acting cagey. S he couldn’t look at me! I was incensed. In all the time I knew her, she never once ignored me. Things were starting to look obvious, at least from my viewpoint. She was not being careful. That sort of obvious display coudl cause suspicion, one would think. I didn’t know what to do. I could hear her wresting with Trey and could see Devo jumping into the fracas.

Now begins the manipulation. At that moment, I knew. This was my now and present. Things were different. She ruled my life in a way never attempted by any man. I was lost and found again, renewed, scared, confused. In love? I would give up my soul at that point, she was in control. In love.

I know just where to touch you, I know just what to prove
I know when to pull you closer,   And I know when to let you loose
I can make tonight forever or I can make it disappear by the dawn
I can make you every promise that has ever been made 
And I can make all your demons be gone

But I’m never gonna make it without you ...Do you really want to see me crawl?

I gingerly sat down in the family sedan, only to be abruptly pulled by an unfamiliar muscled arm.  Debra had never touched me that way.  I had known her for 3 years, she never touched anyone that way.  I looked up to her, my eyes expressing concern...and fear.

"I'm sorry" she explained  "Jack agreed, you will go in my truck.  He said he needs to talk to Anna.  What is that about, do you wonder?"

It was fairly obvious

The kids wanted to be with Debra, but Jack insisted they drive with him.  He had not seen them in several weeks.  Not only had he unwittingly lost his wife to another woman, but he was loosing his children as well.

The trip proved to been emotional rollercoster.  Much can happen in 70 minutes

To Be Continued ...

Music:  Thunder Rolls/Garth Brooks  Paradise by the Dashboard light/ Meatloaf    Making love out of nothing at all/Bonnie Tyler

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