Monday, July 18, 2011

The World Ended and No-one Told Me.




This isn't the Last Song

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This is a blog novel, set to music. I have been told, time and again, to publish and get money, but I could not put melody hard on print.

I have researched this sound  so that I may take you on this trip down the rabbit hole.  The soundtrack to my writings is there to bring you along with me through a maze of emotions.

Enjoy.

New Hampshire
July 17 2010

The room was stark, nothing but a wash in white. Nurses and doctors were rustling about. The only sound I could here was a repeated knock whishhh knock wishhhh. I felt like I couldn't breath. I tried to talk, but I couldn't. Where was I?  Who are these people?  Where is Willie?
  
I tried at once to clear my head. A nurse stood over me "Don't try to talk you have a tube down your throat"

Oh that must be why ... WHAT!!!  I must have looked panic struck. Maybe because I was.

 
"It's okay" she whispered.
 
Not so much! This is certainly NOT okay. As I came out of the thick pea soup fog, I started to remember.  I turned around to go back into the warm blanket comfort of that fog, but, alas it was gone.
Ms. Lindsey, I am Doctor Brighten" The name is obviously a misnomer. "Ms. Lindsey, do you know where you are?"

Well this pretty much better be a hospital.  This doesn’t feel like a cruise ship and I did not sign up for a respirator excursion.

The doctor reached down "Cough for me Ms. Lindsey".  I  did as he said. He pulled out my larynx.
"I " "can't" "breath"
"Well your breathing now." he said in an irritating tone. Oh forgive me doctor, or is it God, whatever was I thinking, you gave me breath, didn't you?
"Do you know why you are here Ms.Lindsey?"

I stared at him with nothing but contempt. Yes I knew why I was here, it all came flooding back to me. I took a bottle of clonazepan. And there is an entire medical industry banking in it.

"Where is Willie?"
"That person who phone you in?"

And again with the sarcasm (I really believe their needs to be a sarcasm font).  He already knew who I was talking about. Why did he ask me?

"Probably at work"

Oh my God. The absolute most terrifying thing had happened. We had discussed this at length. If either of us were in the hospital with a machine giving us life, the other one would stay. Keep vigil. Communicate by writing. Willie wasn't here.

The Doctor said Willie never came. I was in there for 5 days. Alone.

Just yesterday, it seemed like just yesterday, my life was as close to perfect as it could be. Willie and I had gone to our favorite restaurant to celebrate my birthday and our 14th anniversary.  And now, Willie is at work. And I had tried to do myself in.  Not out of some deep dark depression, but because I had no choice. The alternative was too awfull to think about.  I fell off to sleep again.

The Doctor said I had been in there 5 days. The first day I was in a coma. I'd always wanted to know what goes on in a person's head when they are in a coma.

For three days all I heard were steps. And more footfall.

Your mind creates a reality from whence it came.

Willie had not come in once. Not even called.  How could you be with someone for 14 years, totally and completely in love one day, and the next be completely alone, deserted? What had I done to deserve this?  We were to be married. Willie had been hounding me for years...but not as of late.

"Why did you try to kill yourself, Ms. Lindsey?" again... he asked
This was a loaded question and it did not matter what my answer would be.  In his eyes I was looking for attention.  I was a coward.
 If I threw myself in front of a car to save someone else would they call me a coward? 
If I had cancer and took medications that had a higher risk than cancer, would I be a coward? 
If I walk the public streets of Houston with a Pro-Gay Tshirt, am I a coward? 
If I were in WW2 and being a German, chose to live my life with a Jew, would I be a coward?  
If I went to Bagdad with an army uniform and an UZI knowing certain death was around the corner, would I be a coward? 
I am not trying to diminish what the brave souls of our country are doing for our rights.  But they fight for my right to not live a painful existence. Or betraying my fellow human beings labeled Germans and Jew,they were far more brave than I could ever be.
And then of course  there's my mother. (which requires a whole blog unto itself)

WHY DO PEOPLE USUALLY TRY TO  KILL THEMSELVES? 
The answer to this question is as diverse as the person it applies.  As unique as a fingerprint.  So, in the future, refrain from saying "It's not your fault, he/she/it was a coward", and when someone else does, remind them, we are to think of ourselves as inimitable, and we cannot, when one single act seems to tolerate an entire species to use that load of crap to invalidate, while keeping them free of any responsibility. 
Every death is as personal as every life. 
The human psyche is fragile.
The previous January I had been in the hospital for 2 months. I had MRSA and E-Coli in my stomach and my lungs.  Things had not been right since then.
Then on July 16, after I was given the news from Willie.   I was destroyed.
And now I am in the hospital with an uncertain future.

Everything...gone.

to be continued.....





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