Saturday, July 30, 2011

The Night before the Mornings Desire

The Night before the Mornings Desire

A life not lived, appropriately.   Page 10
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I had packed up the children and went home to our house in Champions

I made it clear to Debra that I was going home. To think. And she needed to do the same.

The kids were glad to be home. They had beautiful, huge bedrooms, decorated whimsically to match their tastes.

Devo’s was very Victorian with China Dolls and lovely pastel silk calico patterns on a brass bed. Trey’s room was wallpapered in Nasa Shuttle blueprints, one wall dark blue with light blue draft lines and the other three in light blue with dark blue draft lines. His room was almost 400 square feet. It had dormer windows and wonderful slanted ceilings to place furniture in clever fashion. Devo had a huge window seat and two huge oak trees shading the north side window. I had put oak blinds in her windows. Between the two rooms, were private, separate lavatory and water closet (toilet) on each end with a bath and shower to share in the middle. It was rich living for these two young people. Something they were accustomed. Not sleeping on couches or in bed with mom, sharing one bath with 5 people. They never seemed to mind at Debra and Anna’s, but once they got home, they spread out quickly.

Perhaps this was a dream and I was now waking. It was nothing more than bad judgment, serious bad judgment. But not all was lost. Maybe this was good for me, my relationship with my husband. I needed that extra attention I had not gotten in so many years. Seriously, this could be nothing more than a dalliance. I could not have a life with another woman. Not a domestic life. I had children. Society frowns on children in homosexual households. Moreover, this was Texas. Texas frowns on homosexuals! My children would have a miserable life. And what about Anna? Well, if she really wanted to be with her Diane, this would be perfect for her. No harm, no foul. She would explain it all…are you fucking nuts!!!!

Ok. Back to a misstep. That’s all it is. I have a successful company; my family actually speaks to me with respect. My marriage had been going well until Jackie decided purchasing pot was more important than hex screws. But he loved me; he had not beaten me up for years. I know how that sounds. Yes, I was an idiot to even nurse the idea of staying with that monster. But he loved the kids and they him.

Everything was going to be fine.

I would explain all this to Debra in the morning. We can spend the rest of our lives staring longingly, knowingly at each other.

I broke up the inevitable spat between Devo and Trey, put them to bed and went down the stairs and into to the kitchen.

It was dark, but there was a bit of moonlight glancing through the kitchen skylight. I reached into the cabinet for a wineglass and poured myself a glass of Spatlese‘, headed into the bedroom but not without stopping to put on some music.




I put on a Pink Floyd Album (yes I still had vinyl) and noticed the cover had a rainbow slice with all the true colors. The colors the gays have STOLEN or so it has been said. I find it very hard to get anything with all the jewel tones of Red Orange Yellow Green Blue and Purple. The gays haven‘t stolen anything, the designing community is homophobic, thus keep purple out of the mix, add pink or turquoise instead. But truly, looking for jewels of one kind in the 6 color spectrum is close to impossible. It’s ridiculous. And now purple is getting harder to find because someone spread a rumor that Barney was gay as well as other beloved children’s characters. But at that moment, looking at the graphics on the cover, there they were. Ok I was searching.

I went to run my bath. Oh, the luxury, I so missed this. Anna and Debra had purchased what should have been a "tear down", it probably is just that now, a "torn down". No matter how much blood, sweat and tears we put into it, it had that hopeless sad feel. I had wallpapered the bathroom in "Dancing Tulips" the fad print of the time. It was indigo, with coral tulips gashed about as if painted by some Dali-esc wannabe. I put the pearl grey carpeting Debra and I so loved from Weslayan through the house. No matter, the floors were slanted, the walls trying to pull loose from the foundation. The closets in my house in Champions were larger than the bathroom. Needless to say, bathing was more of a chore than a leisure activity.

I had a wonderful garden tub with a Jacuzzi. The huge window faced the private terrace where we had a separate entrance in and out of our bedroom. I slid down into the lavender and was lulled into a false sense of well-being. I felt a bit unnerved and was grateful for the time off from emotional gymnastics. I scanned the wall outside the terrace. It was a 10 foot wall, brick, hard to scale. But i had a secret longing that she would be standing there, somehow, unable to be outside of her grasp of me for any amount of time. Foolish girl. Foolish woman! No-one was there. I stepped out of the tub. I put on the Georgio perfume she so loved and purchased for my use. Powder, brushed my teeth and hair which I put into a braid to bathe, pulled out the braid and let it hang loose.

I slipped on a gown my mother-in-law gave me from Anais Anais. It was ecru silk in the art deco fashion of a cupid bow across the top and mirrored in the ruffle at the bottom. I pulled on the matching mint green robe with the Anais Callas Lilies. I was not dressing for anything in particular, this is how I went to bed every night and Jackie certainly appreciated it.

I received great pleasure from nightwear finery at Christmas. Garbo flowing dressing gowns and Marylyn PJ’s.
I fell fast asleep with images of the day before dancing through my thoughts. I had a lifetime to ruminate these images.
The room was lit only by the moon playing through the trees out the terrace to my bedroom.

Debra kissed me as she peeled off her shirt and jeans. She then lifted the strap to my nightdress ever so gently off my shoulder, took it down my right arm as she kissed my left shoulder.

I barely lifted out of my slumber; I enjoyed the dream ever so much and did not want to be awakened. My head was buried in my pillow my belly flat against the mattress. Dead to the world as it were. I had not slept this hard in days, weeks. I know Judas wanted attention, and something told me if I let him out, Debra may be waiting. Should I ? No, I shouldn’t. If she was, let her wait. The Iron gate was locked as was the front door. I was safe in my self-exile.

Judas had better back off.

Yet there it was the bed moving. Shit.

“Leave me alone!” I groaned as I heard him whine. DAMN. I had not been home in days except to let him out, or Anna would come by. Sad boy.

“Ohhhh, grumpy” I heard as a hand reached under my gown, running fingers across my skin.

You smell so wonderful” she whispered, “that has been one of the most difficult things I’ve had to deal with over all these months” she added “smelling your skin whenever you came near me”

As if, my skin created its own fragrance "Eau de Stupido Idiota"

“I always knew where you were or when you had come in the house”

All for the safety and reliability of locks. There were keys. And Anna had them

Those gentle quiet words as she swept her fingers across made me rise to the passion and sigh away the concerns. Her words were promises to me.

And once again, I forgot all that I had planned, something felt so right about this. Maybe because I never felt this, I thought perhaps I had been missing a key element of love. It couldn't be that this was not what other's had, only few could offer a story



This was the fodder of romance novels and prose so written because people cannot experience this any othe way

.... How could love be wrong? and feel so right?

I would never have allowed someone to impact my life like this. I would have left anyone anywhere long before this could have started.

I could not blame anyone or thank anyone. This is. This was. It will always be.

She crawled into my bed and the night became a timeless jewel in eternity. I replaced my heartbeat with hers. I had and always will cherish these moments. I think about them today as if it happened just yesterday, yet this was 25 years ago.

She whispered softly in my ear while touching me where men never knew to touch. Running her hand down my arms across my back, down my spine. Caressing my legs kissing my belly. It was intoxicating.

The wind had picked up outside and the moonlight was bathed in a soft mist of clouds. The branches from the huge granfatherly oak were beating against the gutters and roof, telling me this was to stop. Now

The deeper I fell under her spell the harder the wind blew until I could not dicern my gasps with the furious storm coming our way. Then the thunder claps and lighening flashes. It was all too wonderful!

This went on for hours until we fell in a heap tangled together. The ran fell to a light tapping as well slept. The storm darkened the early dawn. It was the morning of May 11, 1986.

A light rustling awoke me.
and that is how we were when the first light off dawn chastened us to reality.

“Oh my GOD! Debra get up!”


To be continued.


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