A life not lived, appropriately. Page 5
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I woke up in an unfamiliar bed, with my 4 year-old child asleep in my arms
The day started out so warm and perfect. It still was cool enough to have the windows open and I could hear the birds. The sounds of lawnmowers intermingling with pots and pans, Anna and Debra preparing breakfast in the kitchen. The familiar smell of bacon cooking. Debra made coffee though she did not have a taste for it herself. There was a light tapping on the door. I reached for the covers, Then realized I was still dressed. Before I could say anything, the door creaked open ever so slowly. I saw a hand reach around with a cup and then – Anna, and a cup of coffee. Whew .I got up very delicately so as not to wake the child.
“As you know we have two installations today and I know you won’t let that slip” she said coyly and then waited
“Okay, I guess that’s a no?” she asked
“That’s correct” I informed her
“It shouldn’t take more than 1 or 2 people to do it. ”“I guess it will be me” she conceded, “Debra has work with her dad and I have a few things I need to do”
“Oh yah? Like What?” I Inquired
“Remember Diane from Chicago?” she asked
How could I forget? Her parents were beside themselves over Anna’s obvious obsession with her.
“What the hell? Is she here in Texas?” I asked
“Yes, and she wants to talk to me” Anna answered.
“Does Debra know?”
“She knows about Dianne, but she does not know we are meeting” she replied “Please don’t tell her until I can figure out what is happening”.
And without waiting for my response, she was gone. But not before putting on my favorite music, Moody Blues. That was Anna, considerate at every turn. From making sure my tired ass had coffee, checking to see what was up with Dianne Lindsey's Curtain Call, and finally putting a record (yes a vinyl disc) on for my morning amusement.
I got up to go to the bathroom, and as I swung my legs around the bed, I realized I had no jeans on, just my panties and shirt…oops, too late there was Debra.
Without missing a beat:“I dreamed about you last night”
Debra said as she came into the room.
So there it was, and we're off...Let the games begin!!!!!
"What was your dream about” I asked
“I dreamt you were helping us put up blinds, and you screwed up everything” I stood there forever, waiting for something anything. She lit a cigarette and stared off with a "sort of" grin on her face. As if she had just pulled a fast one.
Well all for unspoken fantasies. It disturbed me that I thought that way.
“Nice Music” I said
“That’s some of Anna’s crap” she scowled “I think it’s Jacks”
“It’s mine” I said "Forgive me for having taste, I forgot that I lent her that, I’ll make sure to take it off your hands”
“Well I like this song, and a couple others” she offered “they aren’t that bad, can’t dance to them."
I didn't give her the bio on it, it wasn't the Moody Blues, exactly, It was Justin Hayward with John Lodge on the BlueJays CD.
I packed up the kids and headed home. I'd like to say none the worse for wear. But at least my sexuality was intact.
The days went by with everything seemingly normal. Jack went to school in Chicago. I worked harder than ever to become self sufficient in light of the past events involving my husband’s fraud. On me, on his whole family.
We were involved in a class action suit in our neighborhood. I had started it and it culminated to U.S. Homes being criminals and our homes being against the homeowners association policies. If you aren’t from Texas, you have no idea of the thug-like behavior of the Homeowners Association. They can levy any action they want, against you. They can keep you from using community amenities, like golf, tennis and swimming.
Our houses were worthless.
They settled, we collected. It was an undisclosed sum.
Jack and I moved to a wonderful home in Champions and continued our lives.
But something was always in the air. Not quite right, the earth had fallen off it's axis. Or so it seemed. Anna was in our home quite a bit, more often than ever. She talked about Diane and how she wanted to be with her. Debra was too butch, not her type.
This broke my heart - if you can believe it. I actually started to think of what all our lives would be like without Debra. I talked to Anna about this concern and she tried to placate any of these concerns by saying Debra would always be a part of our lives. It was as if I were talking to a parent about how divorce would affect their children. Debra spent an unusual amount of time on the phone with me. Things were different then, I would have been lucky to have had a 3 pound portable phone, much less a credit card sized cell. Her calls interfered with my work. Per usual, I was concerned about hurting her feelings, so I stayed on the line and talked with her.
She mirrored Anna’s feelings.
“Anna is not fem enough” That sent chills down my spine. The word Fem sounded creepy, as did "lover". I didn't even refer to my husband as "lover" not even other men I hade been wtih. I was not familiar or comfortable with this sort of talk. I felt like I needed to go to church every time they talked to me like that. And I needed to drag them with me.
“Devo is too small for this” I said “Haven’t you seen the news?”
“That’s nothing’ but a lot of bullshit” she said “these vehicles are just as safe as four-wheelers” she went on "We let Trey drive it all the time"
Someone needed to slap her. Not me, she was too big for me. I'd have to hire someone. I'll get on that tomorrow.
As I got to know her better over time, I would see her sculpt many situations to abide her determined efforts.
She offered me a cigarette. I just looked at her. "Oh, that's right, you don't smoke" she smiled complacently "at least you don't smoke this"
She lit her cigarette, tossed her head aside to blow the smoke away from my face, then slowly looked back toward my direction, but not directly at me.
"So did you enjoy Kindred Spirits"
"Yes, I forgot to thank you and Anna, it was fun" I apologized.
She looked at me without turning her head, she was sitting half on, half off the bike, a pose I would often see her in, her left arm across her legs as she held the cigarette in her right hand. She smiled in a knowing way, as if she had some great secret. She was cute. Kind of suave.
"Are you going to go back" she asked.
"I don't know, I don't think so" I was certain.
"Next time we'll go to the Ranch"
As if there was going to be a next time.
Before I could respond she turned around and scanned the horizon. Then walked the few steps to me, while still looking at the beach where everyone was. She slowly turned to me as she got so close, barely a whisper between us. She brushed the sand from my shoulder.
"You're going to be burned" Ever the concerned Debra, "We'll need to put some noxzema on that"
The thought of her touching me like that was suddenly not such a foreign concept. WHAT, fuck...I shook my head to get those thoughts out on the ground so I could grind them into the sand, where they belonged.
Where the hell was she coming from? How dare she? I am married. And straight. I go to church. I shop at Rice. I don't do women.
I thought. This must be a “lesbian” thing. Flirt with the West U. Mom with the 2+ children, house, car and husband with a 6 figure income. I was so sick of my life at that point. The money the house, everything was comfortable and wonderful. But it was not exciting. And is exciting all it's cracked up to be?
In the past, when living in Wheeling Illinoise at the Foums Apartments, Jackie had deserted me at home for days, I didn't drive, so I was basically stuck there, I would get someone, a man, in my sights and play him until I was tired.
One such man, Randy R. stood below my window and beckoned me in front of my neighbors God and all the world, to come out, bring my small son and he was going to take me away to Florida. He made it clear I would see him no more. And I didn't.
Then there was a wonderful guy, Tom T, very shy, long hair, unbelievable body. He lived in the apartment above us with his deranged roommate Pete. One Saturday, I simply brushed by him while he was smoking a bong at my bar/counter. The sparks flew. I never pictured myself with him. He was the good semaritan type, actually got a raise and promotion at his job when, passing a stranded motorist, he stopped and helped him, even though he was late. He told the guy he was probably going to be fired, but he could not let someone just sit there. It turned out to be the owner of his company. Which he found out by the end of his day.
As I was jabbering about, Tom and I ended up ... well you know. I thought this was just a dlaince, but I will confess, I played him. I would go into his apartment that he left unlocked, during the day and put my perfume on his pillow. I know, mega bad.
I thought it did nothing, yet one day, while neighbors Nancy, Glenda, Katie and my best friends, Mary Schubert and Debbie and I were getting stoned and dressed for the pool, Tom uncharacteristically came barging through the door and grabbed me. The women though shocked were titalated as well. Tom was not to be ignored and summarily dismissed them. He threw me over his shoulder and took me to the bedrrom. I was in a panic, Jackie was due home. But, I left that up to fate. Jackie didn't come home for 2 days.
Tom packed up his volkswagen "Thing" and left for Grand Junction Colorado. He begged me to leave Jack, I wasn't going to do it, though, if I did, he should have been the one. The sweetest nicest guy. Sigh.
He was also determined, and fed up. He left, haven't seen him. I called him once. He changed his phone number.
And in California, Jackie and I were there when he was at school for National Semi-conductor. I sat poolside with several other ladies. A longhaired hunky do came over, asked for my camera and took a picture of me???? He sat and talked to us a couple of days in a row. On the third day, I got a page from the front desk:
"Dianne Lindsey, you have a guest waiting for you."
The ladies looked at me puzzled, but I was a quizzical as they. I went to the front desk, and there was no guest, just tickets, for me and my son, and a note
"Come to Huntsville (California), you won't regret it".
I laughed it off. Yet this guy was serious. He called the front desk at the same time.
Mind you, I did not know him, and he did not know me, carnally or otherwise.
My husband got word, and I was damaged goods for several days. He didn't believe I was not involved with the guy, though my comings and goings were verified by the other wives.
So this little game of Debra's seemed to be just that. And she was up against a pro. Anna must have told her about my flirtations and she was going to tease me and probably let me have it with both barrels. As for anything but that, I did not have any inclination about something deeper.
If it went any further, she would be smart to not invest herself. If Anna divulged it all, the bottom line is, I am still with my husband, through all those indiscretions.
OKAY, I'm gonna slap her, my bone structure be damned.
To be continued