Saturday, July 30, 2011

The Night before the Mornings Desire

The Night before the Mornings Desire

A life not lived, appropriately.   Page 10
Go directly to Page 1

I had packed up the children and went home to our house in Champions

I made it clear to Debra that I was going home. To think. And she needed to do the same.

The kids were glad to be home. They had beautiful, huge bedrooms, decorated whimsically to match their tastes.

Devo’s was very Victorian with China Dolls and lovely pastel silk calico patterns on a brass bed. Trey’s room was wallpapered in Nasa Shuttle blueprints, one wall dark blue with light blue draft lines and the other three in light blue with dark blue draft lines. His room was almost 400 square feet. It had dormer windows and wonderful slanted ceilings to place furniture in clever fashion. Devo had a huge window seat and two huge oak trees shading the north side window. I had put oak blinds in her windows. Between the two rooms, were private, separate lavatory and water closet (toilet) on each end with a bath and shower to share in the middle. It was rich living for these two young people. Something they were accustomed. Not sleeping on couches or in bed with mom, sharing one bath with 5 people. They never seemed to mind at Debra and Anna’s, but once they got home, they spread out quickly.

Perhaps this was a dream and I was now waking. It was nothing more than bad judgment, serious bad judgment. But not all was lost. Maybe this was good for me, my relationship with my husband. I needed that extra attention I had not gotten in so many years. Seriously, this could be nothing more than a dalliance. I could not have a life with another woman. Not a domestic life. I had children. Society frowns on children in homosexual households. Moreover, this was Texas. Texas frowns on homosexuals! My children would have a miserable life. And what about Anna? Well, if she really wanted to be with her Diane, this would be perfect for her. No harm, no foul. She would explain it all…are you fucking nuts!!!!

Ok. Back to a misstep. That’s all it is. I have a successful company; my family actually speaks to me with respect. My marriage had been going well until Jackie decided purchasing pot was more important than hex screws. But he loved me; he had not beaten me up for years. I know how that sounds. Yes, I was an idiot to even nurse the idea of staying with that monster. But he loved the kids and they him.

Everything was going to be fine.

I would explain all this to Debra in the morning. We can spend the rest of our lives staring longingly, knowingly at each other.

I broke up the inevitable spat between Devo and Trey, put them to bed and went down the stairs and into to the kitchen.

It was dark, but there was a bit of moonlight glancing through the kitchen skylight. I reached into the cabinet for a wineglass and poured myself a glass of Spatlese‘, headed into the bedroom but not without stopping to put on some music.

I put on a Pink Floyd Album (yes I still had vinyl) and noticed the cover had a rainbow slice with all the true colors. The colors the gays have STOLEN or so it has been said. I find it very hard to get anything with all the jewel tones of Red Orange Yellow Green Blue and Purple. The gays haven‘t stolen anything, the designing community is homophobic, thus keep purple out of the mix, add pink or turquoise instead. But truly, looking for jewels of one kind in the 6 color spectrum is close to impossible. It’s ridiculous. And now purple is getting harder to find because someone spread a rumor that Barney was gay as well as other beloved children’s characters. But at that moment, looking at the graphics on the cover, there they were. Ok I was searching.

I went to run my bath. Oh, the luxury, I so missed this. Anna and Debra had purchased what should have been a "tear down", it probably is just that now, a "torn down". No matter how much blood, sweat and tears we put into it, it had that hopeless sad feel. I had wallpapered the bathroom in "Dancing Tulips" the fad print of the time. It was indigo, with coral tulips gashed about as if painted by some Dali-esc wannabe. I put the pearl grey carpeting Debra and I so loved from Weslayan through the house. No matter, the floors were slanted, the walls trying to pull loose from the foundation. The closets in my house in Champions were larger than the bathroom. Needless to say, bathing was more of a chore than a leisure activity.

I had a wonderful garden tub with a Jacuzzi. The huge window faced the private terrace where we had a separate entrance in and out of our bedroom. I slid down into the lavender and was lulled into a false sense of well-being. I felt a bit unnerved and was grateful for the time off from emotional gymnastics. I scanned the wall outside the terrace. It was a 10 foot wall, brick, hard to scale. But i had a secret longing that she would be standing there, somehow, unable to be outside of her grasp of me for any amount of time. Foolish girl. Foolish woman! No-one was there. I stepped out of the tub. I put on the Georgio perfume she so loved and purchased for my use. Powder, brushed my teeth and hair which I put into a braid to bathe, pulled out the braid and let it hang loose.

I slipped on a gown my mother-in-law gave me from Anais Anais. It was ecru silk in the art deco fashion of a cupid bow across the top and mirrored in the ruffle at the bottom. I pulled on the matching mint green robe with the Anais Callas Lilies. I was not dressing for anything in particular, this is how I went to bed every night and Jackie certainly appreciated it.

I received great pleasure from nightwear finery at Christmas. Garbo flowing dressing gowns and Marylyn PJ’s.
I fell fast asleep with images of the day before dancing through my thoughts. I had a lifetime to ruminate these images.
The room was lit only by the moon playing through the trees out the terrace to my bedroom.

Debra kissed me as she peeled off her shirt and jeans. She then lifted the strap to my nightdress ever so gently off my shoulder, took it down my right arm as she kissed my left shoulder.

I barely lifted out of my slumber; I enjoyed the dream ever so much and did not want to be awakened. My head was buried in my pillow my belly flat against the mattress. Dead to the world as it were. I had not slept this hard in days, weeks. I know Judas wanted attention, and something told me if I let him out, Debra may be waiting. Should I ? No, I shouldn’t. If she was, let her wait. The Iron gate was locked as was the front door. I was safe in my self-exile.

Judas had better back off.

Yet there it was the bed moving. Shit.

“Leave me alone!” I groaned as I heard him whine. DAMN. I had not been home in days except to let him out, or Anna would come by. Sad boy.

“Ohhhh, grumpy” I heard as a hand reached under my gown, running fingers across my skin.

You smell so wonderful” she whispered, “that has been one of the most difficult things I’ve had to deal with over all these months” she added “smelling your skin whenever you came near me”

As if, my skin created its own fragrance "Eau de Stupido Idiota"

“I always knew where you were or when you had come in the house”

All for the safety and reliability of locks. There were keys. And Anna had them

Those gentle quiet words as she swept her fingers across made me rise to the passion and sigh away the concerns. Her words were promises to me.

And once again, I forgot all that I had planned, something felt so right about this. Maybe because I never felt this, I thought perhaps I had been missing a key element of love. It couldn't be that this was not what other's had, only few could offer a story

This was the fodder of romance novels and prose so written because people cannot experience this any othe way

.... How could love be wrong? and feel so right?

I would never have allowed someone to impact my life like this. I would have left anyone anywhere long before this could have started.

I could not blame anyone or thank anyone. This is. This was. It will always be.

She crawled into my bed and the night became a timeless jewel in eternity. I replaced my heartbeat with hers. I had and always will cherish these moments. I think about them today as if it happened just yesterday, yet this was 25 years ago.

She whispered softly in my ear while touching me where men never knew to touch. Running her hand down my arms across my back, down my spine. Caressing my legs kissing my belly. It was intoxicating.

The wind had picked up outside and the moonlight was bathed in a soft mist of clouds. The branches from the huge granfatherly oak were beating against the gutters and roof, telling me this was to stop. Now

The deeper I fell under her spell the harder the wind blew until I could not dicern my gasps with the furious storm coming our way. Then the thunder claps and lighening flashes. It was all too wonderful!

This went on for hours until we fell in a heap tangled together. The ran fell to a light tapping as well slept. The storm darkened the early dawn. It was the morning of May 11, 1986.

A light rustling awoke me.
and that is how we were when the first light off dawn chastened us to reality.

“Oh my GOD! Debra get up!”

To be continued.

Annie, Dreamboat Annie...won't be back.

A life not lived, appropriately.   Page 9
Go directly to Page 1

Debra accepted the fact that we were heading into a maelstrom of disgust for our primal yearnings. I had no idea of what was going to happen. I purposefully thought only of the moment. I tried to focus on every second that passed as another sigh of relief that we were not discovered.

The day of that precious “afternoon delight”

. . .was only 12 hour passed. When I woke up the next morning, again, next to my daughter, I could see through the crack that Debra and Anna were in deep discussion

Oh fuck, she’s going to tell her. No, she wouldn’t. Well, maybe. No, she is going to give this time.

Debra’s eyes shifted to the bedroom we were occupying and locked on mine. I blushed. I could feel the heat rising. I was so entranced I did not see Anna walking my way, bringing me coffee

“Okay boss, what is today going to be?”  I visibly shook when she said boss.

“We have the entire Wesleyan building to measure and 4151 needs those blinds that fell to be reattached correctly,” I answered.

I quickly gave her instructions and a check. I was so ignorant, I actually felt deep in my heart Anna was not going to care. She had her sight set on Diane and almost pushed Debra and me together.

Jack was still in Chicago.

“I think I am going to stay home tonight,” I informed them.

Debra whipped around so fast; I swore the towel cut a swarthy gash in mid air. Okay, now we are actually in a relationship and the barbs should start nay moment. I was as tense as carrot top at the horse track. I tried to read her body language, but all I read was  "Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow. Today you will be under the jurisdiction of Debra."

Folks - if you think men are demanding, try batting for the other side.

I used to think things men said about women were both ridiculous and unfair. Now, I am inclined to agree.

When Debra made love to me, I had entered another dimension of euphoria. This site would knock me off my ass if I went into the fine decadent details. The touch of a woman’s hand moving like raw silk across the soft skin of my belly around to my back and making my body surrender. The chills run down your back, down your spine and … It will stay mine…

I have no intention of blighting this blog for allowing me here.  Without going into an x rating, be assured, this was the first orgasm I had with another person. I was physically and emotionally seduced.

It did not have candles and music, well… it did have music from her All American Chevy (Debra believed in Made in America and felt all the auto industry needs is leadership. Detroit has not felt any real pride since George Bush went to Japan and vomited on their auto executives). Nevertheless, that did not change the actions of two women recognizing each other for the first time.

What I learned was ears are NOT handles. This goes against everything I believe in.

Anna left, and she had taken the kids with her.

If you think Anna was just an afterthought, think again. 

Anna and I had quite a history. 

She had been there for me every time her brother hurt me, deserted me.  Anna and I spent a lot of time together when she was just  a teenager, and I was a 22, no more tha a girl myself.  Jackie had walked in the room when Anna and I were asleep on her twin bed ...

... both of us tanned with our skin bare, our long chestnut hair tangled together.  My back to her, her arms around  my chest holding my hands.  We didn't weigh 200 pounds total, we were so slight in build the bed still had room for another person, but her dog Bo took up that space.  Jackie said we looked like poetry.

This would be my greatest shame, what I have done to Anna.

Debra and I were alone. I stole a moment to run to the bathroom, and then I heard a light knock on the door. I opened it and she took my hand and turned around heading for the bedroom. I made my attempt at being to her what she was to me.

Let us just say it worked out. Debra was taken aback and rather upset that I knew what I was doing. If you like how I do it, it's probably best not to speculate about the origins of my talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that I’m good at it.
Debra seemed upset and really did not believe I had not had other liaisons. I had not. I had many opportunities, but no, I had never… She jokingly said, “You need to be lectured all afternoon”.
Even interested. I had a friend, my best friend, who felt we could spend our coffee clutches in each other’s clutches. She was not happy in her marriage, but this ran deeper than that, and yes eventually that played out as well.

When you hear your friends complain about sex, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either sympathize or brag.

Debra had deeply rooted jealousy as I soon came to find out. I still looked like a girl, I was 33. Debra and Ann both said I looked like Stevie Nicks, sans the additional weight and hole in her sinuses. When men looked at me, her face turned beet red and trust me, they refocused.

Debra took me that day to get my hair cut. I had not cut it in 20 years. I always had dreams that were more like nightmares, about it being chopped off. Yet, I did this without any qualms. She wanted it, and I wanted her to be happy with me. From that point on, I became Debra’s property. No, I am not kidding. She was taking over and Jack was going to be on the outs. The poor guy was taking classes in Chicago all ready to come back to Houston and regain some respect after taking a chunk of change out of my company, and now a sudden chunk of his life was going to be gone forever. It was serious and it was only going to get graver. Please no women’s lib lectures. They will be of no use.

Yes, my life had been very droll and settled. Then this happens. Just as I thought everything is going to be all right, someone throws a burlap bag over my head and beats me with a pipe.

“You are going to go home tonight” she informed me “I will take you home and I will be there around 10pm.”
She and her father and brothers go coon hunting. Do not even bother to boo hoo about it. I can promise you, no coons were shot that night. Shit, one could have walked in the door carrying a kitten and it Debra would have never noticed.
Annie, we miss you ...
... so very much.

To be continued

Thursday, July 28, 2011

Head over heels over head...

Never Be the Same

A life not lived, appropriately.   Page 8
Go directly to Page 1

That first kiss. Unlike any kiss before and any kiss you will ever experience again.

That kiss would destroy many.

I still had time to think it through, to stop it, get hold of My faculties. But did I want to? Was this so terribly wrong? The bottom line is we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities

I still got into Debra’s vehicle and scooted next to her. I felt 15 again. My heart racing you could see the bump bump bump against my shirt.

We were on our way to the video store, at least that is what Debra told Anna and who was I to question. I figured Debra just wanted more privacy, time to speak with me. I didn’t think we were going to rush off to a hotel or detour to one of her friends houses. We were far to mature to throw aside protocol, like there was any. And wasn’t it very mature of me to leave my daughter with my sister-in-law so I could be secretly courted by her lover. Yes, this was all very mature.

But I was wrong. Again.

She pulled me to her and kissed me again, but this time it was determined.

“I wanted the first time to be so much different than this” she apologized

But that did not stop her. As we kissed her hands moved gently against the fabric covering my breasts. I shook uncontrollably as if in terror.  I don't know what I expected.  I really didn't think this through, so, I did not expect anything.  You will find this hard to believe, but I did not think it wouold go this far, THIS FAST slow you turn my way, take my breath away

Her moves were so sensual, so delicate.  Maybe I expected something a bit more forceful.  This shows one, you cannot judge a dyke by her taste in vehicles. The light touching of the skin as fingers feathered across my arms and neck. As her lips ran softly against my body. The smell of her cologne intermingling with mine to create a whole new scent that was ours only. There was none of the grabbing neediness of sex I have had with men.

There were only moments, seconds, time just stopped. I didn’t try to fight it. I became part of her and she of me.

I felt ridicoulously like the heroine on the cover of one of those Harlequinne romance novels, being swept away by Fabio. Yes laugh, but you weren’t there!

But time was going to continue no matter. Consequences were going to be extreme and difficult. I honestly do not know if I were to be given a chance to change things, would I? This was something you would only see in movies, read in books. This does not happen in reality.

And would she have let me take a different path? She was from Texas, people, and you all know how Texans are, their way or the highway

I saw a movie where Texas gets attacked by Iraq with nuclear bombs. I am certain this would never happen as Texans are crazier than any Mideast zealots . They wouldn’t need the draft as they always have guns. They would simply take care of it themselves and as a rule Iraqies do not like chainsaw like torture..

Okay. That was just an excuse. But a valid one! (There is great need for a sarcasm font)

But in the confines of the cab of a truck, it wasn’t exactly the most romantic of places. Debra insisted on no reciprocation. I was relieved. As you know I was not experienced, but I am a woman. And there are no books “Lesbianism for Idiots”.

I was certain this was going to be the beginning and end and I would have fodder for a that nice short story, or Letter to Penthouse.

I still loved my husband, though I was no longer “In-love” with him. Yes he beat that out of me long ago. I truly loved Anna who had been such an important part of my life and I was certain she would just laugh this off.

Yes, I was THAT stupid.

Her incessant complaining about Debra not being her type and how she talked about Diane, the girl she met up north, I thought she would actually be happy. She dropped hints several times that I should give up on that heel of a husband (her own brother) and join the eternal happiness of homosexuality. I could have a best friend and a lover, and expand my wardrobe.

Many woman boast of being best friends with their husbands, but the spouses still go out independant of each other “girls night out”, “boys night out”. But think about it. You are sitting there with your best friend (not your lover, yet). She says “I am going to the clubs tonight”. Would it not be rude if she did not assume you were invited as well? That is how female/female relationships work. One would certainly not go without a friend, and not without a BEST friend. “

Debra and I walked through the front door of her house carrying the prerequisite VHS tapes and and catbird smiles. Dinner was interesting enough. The children prattled on about school friends and such. Of course they fought as siblings are want to do. I heard nothing. All background noise as Debra and I stole glances.

The night came quickly. The children and I stayed over and Devo and I slept together in the spare bedroom.

Late that night Debra came in to talk. It was time for me to stop this. But the words eluded me.
“Debra, I do not know what to do” I whispered “there are so many people involved in this”
“Do you want to stop?” She asked
Yes. Yes I did.
“No” I lied.
“Debra this is too much. It is something I would not have thought about in my wildest dreams” I said. “I have had situations where girls, and then women have suggested this, but nothing could have made me surrender to these fantasies”
“Dianne, I love you, this is something I never thought could happen” she said “and now that it has, it is going to be difficult to just drop it.”

If we did let it stop right there and then, would it be no foul? I think not, we had breeched the sanctity of my marriage when she made love to me. Hell, before then, when she kissed me. Holidays were going to be interesting. That one clandestine move. I have heard people talk about their infidelities, brief failings in their marriages that have caused them to turn to others. There are the ones that say “we only kissed, nothing more”.  But if it was a situation where they would have to continue to see that person in family settings, how could they ignore what happened? I don’t buy it. They had to have more. It would be far too disconcerting to see that person and fantasize about what could have been. Hell, every time you went to retrieve someone’s coat as they were leaving, I am certain the potential paramour would be standing there waiting for the game to continue. No, I either had to see this to it’s uncertain end, or I would have to kill her.

The years go by, there's always someone new to try and make me forget about you.

No one will ever touch me that way...the way you did that very first day

These words are true today as they were then.

The next day was going to come whether I wanted it or not. Might as well make the best of it.

I reached up and ran my hand across her face. “We’ll figure this out” She kissed me and went off to be with Anna. Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

Chaos, panic and disorder .. my work here is done

To be continued...

The directory for this Novel is just below, and to your right.
Pick the "to be continued" to turn the page.

And thank you, once again, for your interests.


The names have been changed in this blog. Any resemblance to anyone is strictly the paranoia of that person, admitting recognition of the incidents portrayed. For the few who have given me that permission, for that I thank you.
Truth has witnesses

© This, and all material on this blog site are the copyright Dianne Schuch Lindsey and cannot be duplicated in any fashion without the express permission of the Author. All rights reserved

Book of Love/ Modigliani
Berlin/ Take my breath away
Christopher Cross/ Never be the Same

The Rapture

A life not lived, appropriately.   Page 7
Go directly to Page 1

The drive to Ann and Debra’s HOUSE was filled with risk, fear and apprehension.

I had 30 minutes and about 50+ miles (yes, I was speeding…let it go) to change my mind.  I knew every second, every mile, I still had the chance to turn around.  Go home, be a wife, a mother, business owner

In addition, sister-in-law.  Anna was at one of my company’s jobsites, working for me.  It all was so sordid. But Anna seemed to be encouraging me.  She has asked me to be there for Debra.  At the same time, Debra expressed her desire to be with someone more feminine.   She actually said she wanted to be with someone who carried a purse!”

I played music.  Every song seemed to be directing me.

I didn’t have the pre-requisite shame I should have towards my husband.

 I spent far too many nights alone, and bore far too many scars from Jack’s encounters.

I managed to put everything behind me.  I knew I was going to do this. But why Debra.  If this was part of my sexual makeup, why did I not choose among the lesbian pool I was exposed to at Kindred Spirits?

I arrived at her house, parked in the driveway and entered through the front door.   I could hear some faint banter from behind the house where Debra’s father ran a small lawn mower repair business.

But before I could call her name she was there,

She swept me up and held me looking down into my eyes and my heart stopped as her lips met mine, so tenderly so warm, so perfect,  such a small word for such an explosive event.

Take my hand ... do you feel my heart beating

I felt my head spinning. 

I cannot explain the feeling, it was as though I stepped out of my body. Then all the fear and trepidation disappeared and she may as well have been the last person on earth.  I wanted to laugh and cry all at once. 

My life was all explained in that one kiss.   She pulled me into the bathroom and closed the door.  I did not know how this worked, what do I do next, what if she touched me - what if she did not?

But all she did was kiss me and hold me.

Anna called, she had picked up Devo from Casa De Esperansa where she went to pre-school.   All at once, everything came flooding back to me. That kiss affected everyone around us.  In time, it would be more far reaching than anyone could envision.

But for now, I had other things on my mind.

I was going to have to follow through on this. But honestly, I knew this was a bad idea and I had better come to my senses.   Debra tried to find things to keep Anna away, but we had to face facts.  Someone somewhere was going to find out.   Nevertheless, maybe this could be postponed until I got my sanity.

She pulled me into her bedroom, there was the bed.  It looked much more ominous now that our situation took this fork in the road. How many times I had lain on that bed watching movies with Anna and Debra.   I looked around the room for a chair I knew was not there.  

"You can sit on the bed Dianne" she said  "you have no idea how many times I have watched you laying on this bed"

We all watched videos together in this once "family" bed.  I was not about to desecrate it.  Debra was very respectful and leaned against the dresser, with her arms folded.   I sat on the bed.

Until now, I thought I chose the correct path, but it was not the path of least resistance

“Debra, what are we going to do?”

“About what?” she asked.

“Oh, please, don’t make me spell it out.” I was afraid, vulnerable.

“Dianne lets just take this slowly” she said

“Oh now its take this slow? What have you been doing for the last three months?”

“Last three months” she exclaimed, “try last year”

Now that is perseverance. I have had men jump through hoops, but for a year? Hardly.

“Nonetheless,” I clarified “This is serious, even if we don’t make one more move.”

I was going to find out one of her most annoying attributes and that is to dissect what I say and take out what she wants to debate.

“Do you want to stop?”

Now she put me on the spot. Yes, as a matter of fact, I did want to stop, this had gone far enough.  I got up from the bed and went into the kitchen.

“I’ll make dinner” I insisted, “We need to carry on as normal”

She pulled me to her, kissed me again and held me so tenderly.  What the fuck should I do?  She reached over my head and took the phone.  She called Anna and told her to pick up dinner.  Anna obliged.

Debra was much taller than I was, I felt lost in her arms, safe. She smelled wonderful.  We had few words after that.  I pulled away and asked her to let me think.  She took this as my attempt to back down.  I needed to rationalize this. I thought over the last months. She managed to be there whenever something went wrong.

She would disparage Jack.  And her concern over Trey's grades.  It all made perfect sense.

Debra had retreated to the back area to talk with her father and I was perched in front of the TV, not watching what was on.I was deep in thought. I was fully aware that all intimate relationships were just that, intimate

.Lesbianism was still very closeted then and the media was not inundated with shows we see today, the L-word etc. I had a good idea about what was to happen. Could I do “it”?

Debra was standing at the threshold between the hall and front room.

“How long have you been standing there?” I asked

“Long enough to see that you are disappointed.”

What, where the hell did she get that?  If I were disappointed, we would not be having Kentucky Fried Chicken for dinner.

“Dianne, are you afraid?” she asked

“A little. I haven’t done something like this, I don’t know what you want me to do next,” I said

“I want your first time to be perfect,” Debra offered, “I want to have candles and music. I don’t want to be rushed"

She doesn’t want to be rushed. Hmmm, what exactly was she going to do?

Anna walked in the door, and stopped, looked at us “What is everyone so serious about?

”We both talked at one. First me “Nothing” Then Debra “Dad and I are having some difficulty with one of the mowers

”We both looked guilty as shit. This did not hinder Debra from her mission. She grabbed her keys off the top of the TV, took my arm,

“Dianne and I are going to rent some movies for the kids” she said “I’m sure you will want to take a shower. Devo and Trey can watch TV in the bedroom"

”“Please, I wanna go” yelled DevoThank god I thought

.“No Devo, you need to eat some dinner BEFORE you watch movies” She explained, “You always talk me into getting you junk food”

Devo went off to the bedroom to fight with her brother and Anna wasted no time getting into the shower. Debra and I left.

When we rounded the corner of their block, Debra asked me to move next to her.  When I did she put her hand on my knee. It was obvious that “We are ready for go, Houston”She headed toward the Video store, and then pulled into a heavily wooded park.

She stopped pulled out the keys, the trees engulfed us, music playing ever so sweetly
And then the rapture...

when precious flesh is greedily consumed

To be continued...

Driven to Certain Disaster.

I Kissed A Girl

A life not lived, appropriately.   Page 6 (Continued)
Go directly to Page 1 

I could hear the jingle of Anna's keys, Bo barking. I was so glad he didn’t have the power of speech. I thought about the tool someone had invented to interpret your pet’s language. Thank God, Anna didn’t have it.

Debra grabbed my shirt that was immediately behind me, “here, put this on.” she was very serious, a bit nervous. She turned back to her cigs.

Was this an admonition? Did I have such a colossal ego that would cause her to toss her life to the dogs? She knew my family, she heard about them constantly from Hank, my sister’s inseminator. She knew of the religious fervor they had suddenly adopted after my father’s lung transplant. Then there were the redneck issues of Anna’s father and the disappointment from Lee, his wife, my dear mother-in-law.

The relationship with Lee was first and foremost after my kids. I loved this woman beyond anything reasonable. She loved me, respected me, even years after I divorced her son. She would tell my daughter and anyone who would listen “Dianne will always be my daughter-in-law”. She would tell Jack’s new wife Robin.

Breaking Lee’s heart was a deciding factor.

I truly pondered what I was doing. I think it and rethink it. However, my libido was screaming, “screw the establishment, THIS COULD BE GREAT”

I knew the sacrifices were going to outweigh the advantages. I would definitely loose my marriage, but as things stood, it was going to happen anyhow. I may loose my kids. I would probably loose enough clients to loose my business, and my parents, oh Jesus on roller-skates; this was going to be catastrophic.

What was it about this woman?

It was not as if I had never been approached in this manner. I stayed the night at a friend's house when I was 13. She asked me if we could kiss "to practice before we were with boys."

When I was in my 20’s, my best friend, Nanook, brought it up all the time,” hey you know we could be having more fun, WITHOUT coffee" she said one morning after jumping into my bed and spilling her cup as she landed. The idea made me sick. Nanook turned out to be kinky in the end, and she came across this way. So much so that it did not amaze me when her new husband and her had a threesome. I did not approve, and I did not like what I heard about her family life, but that was my opinion and I certainly was not going to judge. I would just listen, but never interfere.

She was on my mind often during this year… Maybe because all inferences regarding sexual discovery evolved from those days of her peaked interest in sharing my bed.

THere was so much to ponder. In just seconds, my life could change.

I decided I was not going to be a part of this fiasco.

The next few days, weeks were difficult. I let the machine take Debra’s calls, and there were plenty.

Jack jokingly said, “is this another Nanook thing, (what the...) shit, I had to move you clear across the country before I ended up writing a story to Penthouse [about Nanook and me].

I laughed, and then he said, “I just caught a visual”.

“Was it good” it just came out, I could not suck those words back in my mouth, there it was.

However, Debra was determined. I tried to convince myself this was not happening. She had to know the great responsibility of taking a straight woman from her family, Debra’s family as well.

Debra and Jack Sr. were Golfing buddies. Golf, her favorite sport next to Coon hunting. What an eclectic sportswoman, redneck and bourgeois. No one told her that GOLF stands for Gentlemen Only Ladies Forbidden. This is a fact. When it was discovered in Scotland, they gave it that name as a paradigm and it stuck. But Jack Sr. made his share of quips regarding her lifestyle and presentation. She was more than androgynous; “No sir” or “Yes Sir” was more often than not - the way she was addressed, especially in a drive-thru.

On an occasion where she did manage to chorale me on the phone she asked, “What is it about me that is making you act so rudely and not call me back?”

That is the type of question that has a bullet in every chamber designed to blow my brains out.

This was going to be one terrible situation. So bad in fact, I wanted to kick my own ass.

I felt guilty. Why did I feel guilty? Under any other circumstance, I would not. Hell, my mother called all the time and I never returned her calls. (Long distance charges and all that … and I don‘t like her).

Besides, all this fantasizing had been just that. I know because we saw a psychic. You see I too have a problem with psychics, for instanc<e; why do psychics have to ask you for your name.<And she told us.

No I’m not deranged, I don’t believe in that crap anyhow. But she said some things that made me ponder the possibilities.

We had a customer that was quite taken with my husband. She was a black woman with the most piercing eyes and beautiful body, I was concerned.

This psychic told us three things.
1) My marriage was going to fall victim to a woman with dark eyes, brown hair

2) I would have monetary problems for a few years, but I would become successfully self-sufficient
3) A man with graying blond hair was going to change my life.

These things did come to fruition.

These premonitions preyed on me. I figured it was all off about Debra anyhow, it was obvious that I was seeking explanations for my recent behavior.

I needed to pay attention to a potential destructive force of my marriage. Like there was not one so obviously in the crosshairs. I revisited my relationship with Debra. After all, she was a wonderful sitter for the kids. In addition, cheap. FREE! And she was someone I could confide in. Not that I had given much thought to secrets since my life was an open book.

She was supportive with my plans for the future. She talked to me at length about family, religion, marriage, school; she had a thought for everything. In some ways I was venerating her, giving her views more credibility than they deserved, I am sure.

She sensed this and worked it. I spoke to her daily. Then several times a day. Then several hours each time.

It was May 5th when she finally broke through the dam and causing my emotions to funnel out in a flood of confusion, disbelief and fear.

No more walking on tender hooks.

“Dianne, do you understand what is happening here?”

In spite of it all, I didn’t know if she meant what I thought she meant.

If I am wrong I would be setting myself up for ridicule. Can you imagine what Anna, my husband, my friends would think.

Me making a pass at my sister-in law’s female lover? 

I knew what was happening; I thought I knew what was happening. But I was not going to be the one to bring it to the surface.

That didn’t matter. She asked me if I felt the way she did.

I hung up the phone, ran out to my car and drove from Spring to North Shore in the height of the worst rush hour.

I dreamed of your kisses your arms open wide,
this fever for you is just burning me up

The entire ride was full of anxiety, fear, anticipation.

I should have turned back. I had a 50-mile drive through rush hour ;I need to get hold of my faculties and come to my senses.

I knew it was dangerous,

I knew this was the end of a life that was safe.

I would soon find out it was the beginning of living for me.  But at what cost?

I should have turned back. I had a 50-mile drive through rush hour to get hold of my faculties and come to my senses.

I ran into her house, she was in back with her father, but I could hear her rush to the front.

My heart was in my throat. It was as if I had never existed before that one savage moment.

It felt so wrong, it felt so right…

…I kissed a girl and I liked it!

To be continued...

The directory for this Novel is just below, and to your right.
Pick the "to be continued" to turn the page.

And thank you, once again, for your interests.


The names have been changed in this blog. Any resemblance to anyone is strictly the paranoia of that person, admitting recognition of the incidents portrayed. For the few who have given me that permission, for that I thank you.
Truth has witnesses

Credits:Cindy Lauper/ Drove all Night Electric Light Orchestra /Strange Magic Katy Perry/I kissed a Girl Alan Parsons/ Don’t let it show

© This, and all material on this blog site are the copyright Dianne Schuch Lindsey and cannot be duplicated in any fashion without the express permission of the Author. All rights reserved

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Don't Tell Them ANYTHING

Strange.   Magic.
A life not lived, appropriately.   Page 6
Go directly to Page 1 

I was in a fugue state.

Everything whirled together into that one moment. Like the butterfly effect. The flap a butterfly’s wing could cause a typhoon halfway across the planet.

Debra was staring at the horizon as Anna approached on the other bike.
“Quick, get on the bike” Debra ordered.

There it was, the first possible misstep. It felt creepily (if that’s a word) good and fearful.
The following day I went to Anna and Debra's. I had that terrible sunburn that Debra had predicted the day before. But I had projects that needed attention. But I was sore. I took aspirin to bring down the fever it caused.

Devo ran ahead of me into the house and in one fell swoop Debra's arms and up in the air.

"Wait until you see my mom!" Devo never said mom as a stand-alone word. It was always "my mom". I hoped this connection would never break.

Debra cocked her head around her arm as she held Devo up where her head almost got clipped by the ceiling fan. She slowly lowered her, not breaking her gaze.

"Oh My God!" she put Devo down, and the child swept past me onto the couch with the remote. Bo was barking and jumping on her, she giggled pulling her knees up to her chin.

"Aunti Debra, can I have something to drink?"
"You know where the refrigerator is child." Devo never assumed anything. She was always polite
"Do you want something to drink Debra?" Devo walked past her as Bo was pushing up against her and the little girl had to balance herself against the wall to keep from tumbling over.

"No child, I'm good.. Did you ask your mom?" Devo must not have heard her
"You need more than a drink," she offered.

Anna came out of the bathroom wrapped in a towel. Her olive skin had a rich tan. She never had to go through that horrible middle school phase with the sum. She always was in her senior year of tanning and stayed healthy and brown.

My lobster red skin betrayed my Nordic roots.

Anna looked, sighed, laughed and went back in the bathroom. She came out and tossed a blue jar to Debra.

"She's going to need this" What the…why didn’t she give it to me? She is going to wish she threw it at me.
She went into her bedroom; left the door open as she dressed "Oops" she gasped 'Is Trey here?"
"No, he's with my sister" I said as I sat down painfully, blisters popping audibly

On that she grabbed a shirt and jeans and got dressed. I did not stare, Debra did for a second. She was actually incensed. I wouldn't have noticed that in the past. Modesty was a big deal for Debra. She commented if my shorts were too revealing or if I had on a shirt that spoke to loudly. I never cared...before. I just figured, again, she's a lesbian, lesbians are judgmental of straight women. Fuck her if she can't take a joke. Anna and I had seen each other naked all the time. Shit we looked alike clothed and unclothed. Had the same breasts, our backsides were different. I had a bigger butt. Hers was flat, mine round. I envied that in her, she envied mine. But at that time, big butts were not the rage. My entire life my brothers made fun of me because I had these two melons for butt cheeks. Now people get implants.

Anna came into the kitchen roughed Devo up, Devo laughed and fell to the floor her legs flew up and almost kicked Anna.

"Ohh Sorry Auntie Anna" She cupped her hand over her mouth.
Anna grabbed her feet and then stopped and stared at this regalia of fashion.

She was dressed in shorts, a t-shirt and the Roper boots Anna and Debra gave her. A nice ruby red. She laughed knowingly at Anna and pursed her lips with a smug smile. She took a carton of juice, surpassing cola and put it on the counter. Boosted herself up on the counter, kneeling while opening the cabinet and getting a Flintstone cup. I watched this apprehensively, but I had become inured to Devo’s acrobats. She had been doing this since she could walk, at 9 months. She scaled every surface she could. Our parrot warned “Devo down! Devo Down!

It went completely unnoticed by Anna and Debra. She brought down two more glasses, one slipped out of her hand, she and the glass toppled to the floor. I gasped; Devo just rubbed her head, her long stick straight thick hair tangled between
her fingers. She got up without missing a beat.

“That child is going to get herself killed” Debra sighed and went over trying to help her. Devo playfully slapped her hand.

She would always force that independence. She barely reached the counter yet she poured each glass with precision, making certain as children are want to do, that each was filled exactly the same.

She brought one glass to Anna, and one to me! I had not requested a drink, nor Anna, yet Devo prepared one for each of us just the same. Devo never liked to eat or drink alone. She liked the family table and would make issue of that throughout her life. She retreated to the bedroom, but stopped as Debra put her hand on her hip, resting the other on a chair looking at Devo quizzically. She was just playing of course, but Devo stopped looking at her glass and without lifting her head peered up at Debra, eyebrows raised.

“Go on” Debra whisked her arm in a sweeping motion to the bedroom stopping with her arm out, presenting her like royalty to the bedroom. Devo laughed and tiptoed in. She was not a skipping type of child. Never.

Then Debra turned to the matter at hand.

“What are we going to do about you?” Anna came in “Take off your shirt” and then went into the bedroom, tickling Devo on the bed, Devo screeching, laughing.
Anna is going to take care of me after all, I was much relieved. Debra was in the far corner washing dishes in the sink, her back to me. I looked toward the bedroom, then turned and looked at Debra. I followed Anna.

“Where are you going” Debra asked, tapping her cigarette in the sink. Fuck, foiled.
“To the bedroom” why was I going to the bedroom “to uh, take off my shirt”
“Stay in here, we don’t want to disrupt Devo’s television viewing time. “ So she planned to be a part of this, I wasn‘t imagining it. I was always checking myself. It still seemed unlikely this was anything more than sisterly concern.I reluctantly retreated to the kitchen. Anna following me.
“Di, you need to put something on that burn” she pulled the shirt away from my back, oh the pain. “NOW”.

I capitulated, hoping that Anna’s presence would impede any developing stories.Anna was not dressed in clothes to “hang” in.

She grabbed her keys, looking in on Devo. “I’m going to the video store and then I’m going to KFC” Now what? “Take off your shirt and get on with” She grabbed her keys and headed for the door. “I’ll be back,” she said in a humorous Schwartzenhager voice.

Alas, we were alone, except for Devo’s vigilant eyes. Except, Devo could give a crap. She wouldn’t know what she was
seeing anyhow. Debra came over to the counter and took the top off the Noxzema. She had a triumphant look. Manipulative witch. I had to remind myself, this was not her idea. I didn’t know what to do; I crossed my arms and grabbed the bottom of my shirt, but then stopped. I had been in a bathing suit just the day before. I had been in some of the skimpiest bikinis one could imagine. Anna had seen me naked several times. But this was different, for all the reasons that were obvious. To me, to Debra.

She leaned on the counter, smoking a cigarette, smoke swirling around her head causing her to squint one eye as she blew the smoke out of the corner of her mouth. Waiting, acting annoyed, as if I was taking her valuable time that she could be fucking around with another person’s life.I grabbed my shirt, pulled it slowly, purposefully over my head and thanked myself for having good taste in lingerie. It is not what you wear; it is how you take it off.  I had on a black fine thread mesh bra, very translucent, the straps had black lace, very fine, and there was a flourish and lily over the nipples. (Thank God)

She pretended not to notice, putting her cigarette down and opening up the jar. She turned and washed her hands, came back and scooped a small amount into her hands. Looking away courteously. I held my shirt in front of me much as the freshman in high school blocking the much-too-long stares of the female coach when entering the showers. When I saw she wasn’t looking, I felt rather foolish. I got up and went to the bathroom, she bent back and her eyes went strait to the lilies. I grabbed the shirt, put it in front and retreated to the bathroom. I acted as if I was to use the restroom. In fact, I wanted to check myself out. Both physically and emotionally. Physically, I looked no different from what I did when I got dressed this morning. Emotionally, I NEED TO STOP THIS.

I retreated to the kitchen, slumped down in a chair and waited for my destiny.

Debra came over and slowly, deliberately ran the cream across my back. It was gentle, the cream was soothing. She covered every inch of my back putting her fingers under my bra-strap. She started on my shoulders and moved her hands teasingly down to the inside of my bra, stopping short of my areola. I was definitely aroused and glad she did not feel my nipples, though they show through the bra, if not just by the shape. And it was warmn in the house, and only getting warmer. It went on, until Anna drove up the driveway. She stopped immediately, turned to the counter, grabbed her cigarettes with a Noxzema covered hand. She immediately put the cigarette down and went to the sink and washed her hands.

Even if it's taking the easy way out

Even if you feel you've nothing to hide, keep it inside of you

Don't give in, don't tell them anything

The directory for this Novel is above top and to the left


The names have been changed in this blog. Any resemblance to anyone is strictly the paranoia of that person, admitting recognition of the incidents portrayed. For the few who have given me that permission, for that I thank you.
Truth has witnesses

Credits:   Alan Parsons/ Don’t let it show

© This, and all material on this blog site are the copyright Dianne Schuch Lindsey and cannot be duplicated in any fashion without the express permission of the Author. All rights reserved

Saturday, July 23, 2011

A dream within a dream

A life not lived, appropriately.   Page 5 

Go directly to Page 1 

I woke up in an unfamiliar bed, with my 4 year-old child asleep in my arms

The day started out so warm and perfect.  It still was cool enough to have the windows open and I could hear the birds.  The sounds of lawnmowers intermingling with pots and pans, Anna and Debra preparing breakfast in the kitchen. The familiar smell of bacon cooking.  Debra made coffee though she did not have a taste for it herself.  There was a light tapping on the door.  I reached for the covers, Then realized I was still dressed.  Before I could say anything, the door creaked open ever so slowly.  I saw a hand reach around with a cup and then – Anna, and a cup of coffee.  Whew .I got up very delicately so as not to wake the child.

“As you know we have two installations today and I know you won’t let that slip” she said coyly and then waited
“Okay, I guess that’s a no?” she asked
“That’s correct” I informed her
“It shouldn’t take more than 1 or 2 people to do it. ”“I guess it will be me” she conceded, “Debra has work with her dad and I have a few things I need to do”
“Oh yah?  Like What?” I Inquired
“Remember Diane from Chicago?” she asked

How could I forget? Her parents were beside themselves over Anna’s obvious obsession with her.
“What the hell?  Is she here in Texas?” I asked
“Yes, and she wants to talk to me” Anna answered.
“Does Debra know?”
“She knows about Dianne, but she does not know we are meeting”  she replied  “Please don’t tell her until I can figure out what is happening”.

And without waiting for my response, she was gone. But not before putting on my favorite music, Moody Blues.  That was Anna, considerate at every turn.  From making sure my tired ass had coffee, checking to see what was up with Dianne Lindsey's Curtain Call, and finally putting a record (yes a vinyl disc) on for my morning amusement.

I got up to go to the bathroom, and as I swung my legs around the bed, I realized I had no jeans on, just my panties and shirt…oops, too late there was Debra. 

Without missing a beat:“I dreamed about you last night” 

Debra said as she came into the room.
So there it was, and we're off...Let the games begin!!!!!

"What was your dream about” I asked
“I dreamt you were helping us put up blinds, and you screwed up everything” I stood there forever, waiting for something anything.  She lit a cigarette and stared off with a "sort of"  grin on her face.  As if she had just pulled a fast one.

Well all for unspoken fantasies.  It disturbed me that I thought that way.

“Nice Music” I said
“That’s some of Anna’s crap” she scowled “I think it’s Jacks”
“It’s mine” I said "Forgive me for having taste, I forgot that I lent her that, I’ll make sure to take it off your hands”
“Well I like this song, and a couple others” she offered “they aren’t that bad, can’t dance to them."

I didn't give her the bio on it, it wasn't the Moody Blues, exactly, It was Justin Hayward with John Lodge on the BlueJays CD.

I packed up the kids and headed home.  I'd like to say none the worse for wear.  But at least my sexuality was intact. 

The days went by with everything seemingly normal. Jack went to school in Chicago.  I worked harder than ever to become self sufficient in light of the past events involving my husband’s fraud.  On me, on his whole family.

We were involved in a class action suit in our neighborhood. I had started it and it culminated to U.S. Homes being criminals and our homes being against the homeowners association policies.  If you aren’t from Texas, you have no idea of the thug-like behavior of the Homeowners Association.  They can levy any action they want, against you.  They can keep you from using community amenities, like golf, tennis and swimming.

Our houses were worthless.

They settled, we collected.  It was an undisclosed sum.

Jack and I moved to a wonderful home in Champions and continued our lives.

But something was always in the air.  Not quite right, the earth had fallen off it's axis.  Or so it seemed.  Anna was in our home quite a bit, more often than ever.  She talked about Diane and how she wanted to be with her.  Debra was too butch, not her type.

This broke my heart - if you can believe it.  I actually started to think of what all our lives would be like without Debra.  I talked to Anna about this concern and she tried to placate any of these concerns by saying Debra would always be a part of our lives.  It was as if I were talking to a parent about how divorce would affect their children.  Debra spent an unusual amount of time on the phone with me.  Things were different then, I would have been lucky to have had a 3 pound portable phone, much less a credit card sized cell.  Her calls interfered with my work. Per usual, I was concerned about hurting her feelings, so I stayed on the line and talked with her.

She mirrored Anna’s feelings.

“Anna is not fem enough” That sent chills down my spine. The word Fem sounded creepy, as did "lover".  I didn't even refer to my husband as "lover" not even other men I hade been wtih.   I was not familiar or comfortable with this sort of talk. I felt like I needed to go to church every time they talked to me like that.  And I needed to drag them with me.

“Devo is too small for this” I said “Haven’t you seen the news?”
“That’s nothing’ but a lot of bullshit” she said “these vehicles are just as safe as four-wheelers”  she went on "We let Trey drive it all the time"

Someone needed to slap her.  Not me, she was too big for me.  I'd have to hire someone.  I'll get on that tomorrow.

As I got to know her better over time, I would see her sculpt many situations to abide her determined efforts.

She offered me a cigarette.  I just looked at her.  "Oh, that's right, you don't smoke" she smiled complacently "at least you don't smoke this"

She lit her cigarette, tossed her head aside to blow the smoke away from my face, then slowly looked back toward my direction, but not directly at me.

"So did you enjoy Kindred Spirits"
"Yes, I forgot to thank you and Anna, it was fun" I apologized.

She looked at me without turning her head, she was sitting half on, half off the bike, a pose I would often see her in, her left arm across her legs as she held  the cigarette in her right hand.  She smiled in a knowing way, as if she had some great secret.  She was cute.  Kind of suave.  

"Are you going to go back" she asked.
"I don't know, I don't think so" I was certain.
"Next time we'll go to the Ranch" 

As if there was going to be a next time.

Before I could respond she turned around and scanned the horizon.  Then walked the few steps to me, while still looking at the beach where everyone was.  She slowly turned to me as she got so close, barely a whisper between us. She brushed the sand from my shoulder. 

"You're going to be burned" Ever the concerned Debra, "We'll need to put some noxzema on that"

The thought of her touching me like that was suddenly not such a foreign concept.  WHAT, fuck...I shook my head to get those thoughts out on the ground so I could grind them into the sand, where they belonged.

Where the hell was she coming from?  How dare she?  I am married. And straight.  I go to church.  I shop at Rice.  I don't do women.

I thought.  This must be a “lesbian” thing.  Flirt with the West U. Mom with the 2+ children, house, car and husband with a 6 figure income.  I was so sick of my life at that point.  The money the house, everything was comfortable and wonderful.  But it was not exciting.  And is exciting all it's cracked up to be?

In the past, when living in Wheeling Illinoise at the Foums Apartments, Jackie had deserted me at home for days, I didn't drive, so I was basically stuck there, I would get someone, a man, in my sights and play him until I was tired. 
One such man, Randy R. stood below my window and beckoned me in front of my neighbors God and all the world, to come out, bring my small son and he was going to take me away to Florida.  He made it clear I would see him no more.  And I didn't.

Then there was a wonderful guy, Tom T, very shy, long hair, unbelievable body.  He lived in the apartment above us with his deranged roommate Pete.  One Saturday, I simply brushed by him while he was smoking a bong at my bar/counter.  The sparks flew.  I never pictured myself with him.  He was the good semaritan type, actually got a raise and promotion at his job when, passing a stranded motorist, he stopped and helped him, even though he was late.  He told the guy he was probably going to be fired, but he could not let someone just sit there.  It turned out to be the owner of his company.  Which he found out by the end of his day.

As I was jabbering about, Tom and I ended up ... well you know.  I thought this was just a dlaince, but I will confess, I played him.  I would go into his apartment that he left unlocked, during the day and put my perfume on his pillow. I know, mega bad.

I thought it did nothing, yet one day, while neighbors Nancy, Glenda, Katie and my best friends, Mary Schubert and Debbie and I were getting stoned and dressed for the pool, Tom uncharacteristically came barging through the door and grabbed me.  The women though shocked were titalated as well.  Tom was not to be ignored and summarily dismissed them.  He threw me over his shoulder and took me to the bedrrom.  I was in a panic, Jackie was due home.  But, I left that up to fate.  Jackie didn't come home for 2 days.
Tom packed up his volkswagen "Thing" and left for Grand Junction Colorado.  He begged me to leave Jack, I wasn't going to do it, though, if I did, he should have been the one.  The sweetest nicest guy.  Sigh.
He was also determined, and fed up.  He left, haven't seen him.  I called him once.  He changed his phone number.
And in California, Jackie and I were there when he was at school for National Semi-conductor.  I sat poolside with several other ladies.  A longhaired hunky do came over, asked for my camera and took a picture of me????  He sat and talked to us a couple of days in a row. On the third day, I got a page from the front desk:

 "Dianne Lindsey, you have a guest waiting for you." 

The ladies looked at me puzzled, but I was a quizzical as they. I went to the front desk, and there was no guest, just tickets, for me and my son, and a note

"Come to Huntsville (California), you won't regret it". 

I laughed it off.  Yet this guy was serious.  He called the front desk at the same time. 

Mind you, I did not know him, and he did not know me, carnally or otherwise.

My husband got word, and I was damaged goods for several days.  He didn't believe I was not involved with the guy, though my comings and goings were verified by the other wives.

So this little game of Debra's seemed to be just that.  And she was up against a pro.  Anna must have told her about my flirtations and she was going to tease me and probably let me have it with both barrels. As for anything but that, I did not have any inclination about something deeper.

If it went any further, she would be smart to not invest herself.  If Anna divulged it all, the bottom line is, I am still with my husband, through all those indiscretions.

OKAY, I'm gonna slap her, my bone structure be damned.

To be continued

Thursday, July 21, 2011

When forever Starts, there's no stopping your heart

A life not lived, appropriately.   Page 4

 Go directly to Page 1

My husband had found his new job and was safely tucked away at some motel in Chicago for school. I had activities planned, mostly involving clubs. I was looking forward to this holiday from marriage and knew I had Anna and Debra to watch the kids. But all of a sudden, it was bargaining time. They said they would take the children if I appointed one night to going to “their” club. Kindred Spirits.

Kindred Spirits was a women’s bar located at Richmond Avenue and 610.  Marion Coleman, one of Houston’s most successful entrepreneurs, owned it.  Ms Coleman created an atmosphere of amenable ambiance safe from the drug issues that plague all the clubs in the city.  On the issue of drugs and drinking, Marion was quite stringent.
What should one expect in a “lifestyle” bar?  I rather expected “Clockwork Orange” milk bar.


Or a lot of black walls leather and chains.  (Actually, the Ventur- In confirmed this idea, but that is for a later installment). 
I was not expecting a cheerful, vibrant, and classy place as this when offering myself in sacrifice upon the hypothetical Sappho’s altar. I loved it!  There was a feeling of other worldliness, dreamlike, that overtook me The first person I met was Bootsie. She was the bouncer at the door.

She looked like Matt Damon. And as smooth. Later Bootsie would become one of my most torrid affairs that took place anywhere and everywhere. It would be both treacherous and euphoric.

She took my hand “I haven’t seen you before, are you new to town?”

No, I have lived here for 6 years. I am here with Anna and Debra.”

Without breaking her gaze "I do not know them, sorry, but I should know you. Shouldn’t I?” she asked without looking at them. "What's your name?"

"Dianne" I said "with two n's" 

Anna and Debra were standing right next to me. Anna laughed with encouragement. Her own brother’s wife out galavanting around town with lesbians in gay bars. Debra took me by the hand and pulled me away.  She wasn’t quite as humoured by this.

Debra slipped her arm around my waste protectively, (after all she promised to keep me safe) leading me into the club as Anna, Debbie, Sabrina and Cynthia followed.  I was totally enveloped.  Warm, secure and out of my mind!

The music set the mood for the evening like the opening of a movie thriller...
I honestly do not know what I expected, but that wasn’t it.  There was a certain amount of gratification in being charmed by Bootsie.  My sister-in-law Anna said I would be hard pressed to do worse! 
I still had that regretful feeling.  There we were, there I was, in a gay bar, on a perfectly good clubbing night.  We found a table right away which was unheard of on a Friday night.  We had reservations. I was beginning to feel a bit unnerved, feeling like something was in the wind, yet I could not identify the smell.

"I have come in here a hundred times" Debra scoffed "she knew us"

"Debra, we never speak to her excep to offer ID" Anna retorted.  "Hmmm, you're right, she doesn't usually seek us out"

"Hmm, Dianne, this is going to be your night" Anna found this humorous, but I do ot believe she was encouraging me.

Debra seemed to be in deep thought.

Bootsie was waiting tables and bee-lined to ours to take our drinks. “Can I help the pretty lady” she asked.

Again, I reiterated, "I'm straight." "Sure you are" she sighed as she walked away.  

When she came back with an entire tray of jello shots, the others were shooting them down as she sat down on the chair next to me.

"You don't need to sweeten the bait by saying your straight", Bootsie remarked "I'm sure you can have your pick". Okay, now I'm going to have to be rude. Oh fuck,,, straight women are a commodity. I really need to leave.

And again, there was Debra, intercepting inappropriate behavior. "Uh, can you just serve the drinks and leave my guest alone?"

As the drinks started flowing, I eased up on the paranoia and figured I might as well make the best of this. It isn’t costing me anything. Debra and Anna were buying drinks and Bootsie was doing her part by bringing me doubles. And, needless to say, we had the cleanest table and ashtrays due to Bootsie's diligence. She was quite the character, taking drinks out of Debra's hands as Debra was STILL drinking, all the while talking to me.

Debra was not too humored and reached out to get her drink back.  Bootsie shoved her table cleaning rag into Debra's empty reaching hand.

Bootsie had a twinkle to her eye. She would always have that magnetic personality and be surrounded by fans. Everyone loved her. A few hated her as I found out later.

As flirtatuos as she was, she always had a cute girlfriend or 10, a the other's infomed me.  They were all enjoying the added attention.

Debra asked me to dance. Ooooh nooooo. What does a straight girl do?  She dances. I had an urge to be asked by Deb (as Debbie and Sabrina). She was a tall thin cowgirl type. Very intelligent, trying for acceptance at A&M for veterinary school. But she was preoccupied with Cynthia, much to Sabrina’s chagrin.

Without provocation, both Anna and Debra, independent of each other started to use me as a confidant. Anna wanted to be with a more feminine women. (she didn’t think…no…please no)!  Debra secreted the same wish to me. They both wanted a more feminine woman. And since I was not informed about the gay lifestyle, I immediately drew the conclusion that I was going to be sandwiched between the two of them, such was my narcissitic, bible studying, judgemental self.  And there were quite a few women with broken bones out that night. I figured the sex must be rough .Anna reassured me, it was softball and soccer injuries.

I accepted Debra’s request to dance.  Bootsie watched intently.

“That woman needs something to do” Debra retorted as we moved to the dance floor.
As Debra pulled me to the dance floor holding my hand, she turned to me and laid that hand on her left shoulder.I moved it to the back of her head and started twirling her hair.
Yes, I did it purposely to get a reaction.  I mean, that's what she has been doing to me

She smiled.  I thought for certain she was going to pull my hand away and say  "Now we're not having any of this, are we?"
She pulled me closer.  I tried to reoccupy my myself by watching my feet do a two-step.

She and Anna had given me two-stepping directions at home. I was a quick study and learned without them pasting footprint markers on the floor. I did it to humour them. I had no intention of dancing or touching in any way.

Yet their I was, in Debra’s arms and shaking like a leaf .  It wasn’t as if I never danced with women before.  (okay, I've never danced with a woman before)  I was trembling noticably, she held me close, too close for comfort. 

"I'm not gonna hurt you" she whispered in my earsaid

"I know, this is just so..."  I had no idea what it was.

"So, how do you like it' she asked

"How do I like dancing"

"No, how do you like all of this, my friends, the bar?"  She said quietly

"I know you friends already DebraI wouldn't pick any"

"Oh, cmon, just pretend"  "Okay Deb"

Debra laughed, but never told Deb, until we left.

But then the song ...

I get so high with you I may never come down..
when forever starts....
there's no stopping your heart

As if in reflex, I fell closer in as she pulled me in.  I was lost in the moment as suddenly another hand brushed over mine and stopped at my wedding ring,  I jumped, Debra jumped, and Bootsie smiled.

"The next song is for you,” she said

We headed back to the table.

"Anna asked what the altercation was on the dance floor

 “Nothing, Bootsie said the next song is for Dianne.” She responded, “as if anyone can determine what the DJay was going to play next”  she continued,  “I gave the DJay $10 once to play a song especially for someone” Debra continued “and it still took an hour before she got around to it”  "They never play the songs you ask for."
“This is for Dianne” announced the DJay "with two n's"and the song said it all.  
“Like hell it is” Debra shot back.  As the music faded. “If we don’t continue to dance” she said, “Bootsie might think you are saving it for her” .

Saving what?   Hmmmm.  Oh, saving a dance for her.
 Bravery was not Bootsie's strong suit.  In the ensuing years, Bootsie and I were reckless in our mutual desire.  But Bootsie would turn tail and run rather than get in a physical altercation.  Yet she managed to incite these situations more often than not. Debra rose from her chair as Anna reached for her, and Bootsie dropped her rag and serving tray and scurried behind the bar. 
Debra could look scary, but she resembled a Cabbage Patch doll more than GI Joe.  Affectionately, I called her “Rambo Patch”. 
We had a brief respite from Bootsie which seemed to calm Debra and in turn the entire table.  I ws surprised to find myself craning my neck, looking for her.
Then a spotlight scanned the floor as a rather rotund woman, in a “cleaning lady” get up appeared.  The costume was stuffed in the front and the back.  She romanced her broom while dancing to “Don’t mess with my Toot Toot”. It was the cutest damn thing I’ve ever seen, and it was Bootsie.
That night was one of the most enjoyable times I ever had

We went to the House of Pies after the club closed and were joined by half Kindred Spirit’s clientele and staff.  I ran to the ladies room… drunk.  I started singing like some four year-old I ran to the ladies room.  I started singing like some four year-old.

When I came out of the stall there she was, there I was, okay there we were. 
You need me to be the executor of your friend’s estate,” Bootsie said as she moved towards the door to let me out“; I can make that happen soon”

to be continued...

As I write and remember that precious night, I am at once sad as two of these people, half of the main players (Debra, Anna, Bootsie and I) in this saga would be taken from us forever. 

Too young and too hopeful.  They will be missed.  But they will be remembered.  I will make certain.